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Original poster

Am I overthinking this?

13 replies

fightorflight30 · 21/11/2023 07:04

Hi all,
After many conversations over the last few months about things that need to change and what's driving me and my H apart the general conversation last night went as follows:

Me- think I need to get a counsellor, I'm so unhappy I feel trapped and like I can't breathe properly and I can't shake it and I'm not sure how to be happy again, maybe moving back to my hometown etc etc

H response - thinks a councillor is a good idea, I've never been satisfied, he's struggling and is tired and wants me to be happy but doesn't know why I'm not then said he was too tired to speak anymore about it and he's struggling to listen to me.

We then watched some TV in silence came to bed and I didn't even get a cuddle, nothing and am I overthinking it because of my state of mind that if your wife/husband tells you they are profoundly unhappy and all these feelings you would try make them feel ok ish and at least give them a cuddle, anything really rather than act as if they've just told you it's raining outside...

OP posts:
BelindaOkra · 21/11/2023 07:09

What you said will have had an impact on him as well. It sounds like you just told him you want to separate or take some time out. He will have been managing his own emotions and probably therefore not able to take on yours as well. It sounds as if this has been going on for a while.

HerMammy · 21/11/2023 07:10

Did you not hear him saying he's struggling?
You seem completely focused on you and your needs, did you think to hug him?

DNLove · 21/11/2023 07:16

Sounds to me like he's at the point where he doesn't know his to help you and it's worn down by your mood. Probably talked about this on numerous occasions over the months and you're only now thinking about a counsellor. Which he probably suggested you do ages ago.
Moods like yours bring a whole household down, create stress and anxiety for everyone around you.
Get yourself help and address the situation. When you figure out what you want then you can discuss with him.

Xmaspenguin · 21/11/2023 07:16

My own experience of a similar situation was that it was actually my relationship that was making me miserable, stressed and unhappy. Now I am alone, a lot of that feeling has miraculously lifted. When my relationship was at this stage, we were dead in the water TBH.

It is not easy to end it. I recommend start looking into the practicalities and considering if you would be happier alone.

Original poster
fightorflight30 · 21/11/2023 07:17

HerMammy · 21/11/2023 07:10

Did you not hear him saying he's struggling?
You seem completely focused on you and your needs, did you think to hug him?

Sorry, I think this was written wrong... he was struggling to take part in what I was saying because he was tired and then stopped the conversation, I'm not heartless and if someone told me they're struggling mentally I'm not one to even mention my own thoughts xx

OP posts:
Original poster
fightorflight30 · 21/11/2023 07:20

DNLove · 21/11/2023 07:16

Sounds to me like he's at the point where he doesn't know his to help you and it's worn down by your mood. Probably talked about this on numerous occasions over the months and you're only now thinking about a counsellor. Which he probably suggested you do ages ago.
Moods like yours bring a whole household down, create stress and anxiety for everyone around you.
Get yourself help and address the situation. When you figure out what you want then you can discuss with him.

It has been going on for a while and when I'm not around him I'm fine dancing around with the kids etc but the issues we have are generally dragging me down and I think me talking to him about counselling was a last resort at saving the marriage and it's like it was completely dismissed but tbh anything I've said over the last year has been dismissed so don't know why I thought any different this time x

OP posts:
Original poster
fightorflight30 · 21/11/2023 07:21

Xmaspenguin · 21/11/2023 07:16

My own experience of a similar situation was that it was actually my relationship that was making me miserable, stressed and unhappy. Now I am alone, a lot of that feeling has miraculously lifted. When my relationship was at this stage, we were dead in the water TBH.

It is not easy to end it. I recommend start looking into the practicalities and considering if you would be happier alone.

How did you go about ending it?
Do you have children etc?
Xx

OP posts:
PurpleBugz · 21/11/2023 07:27

I could have written this. The lack of care form my partner made me feel so much worse. Not even a hug i remember that. I left temporarily to move back to my support of friends and family and it became obvious the problem was him. He was a selfish lazy arsehole and emotionally dead and avoidant and had me thinking I was the problem the whole time

Original poster
fightorflight30 · 21/11/2023 07:32

PurpleBugz · 21/11/2023 07:27

I could have written this. The lack of care form my partner made me feel so much worse. Not even a hug i remember that. I left temporarily to move back to my support of friends and family and it became obvious the problem was him. He was a selfish lazy arsehole and emotionally dead and avoidant and had me thinking I was the problem the whole time

It's like he has emotionally checked out and the basic care for anything but himself and games (ps5 and his phone) has gone
How did you leave? How did you say it? Did you have children?

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 21/11/2023 07:51

BelindaOkra · 21/11/2023 07:09

What you said will have had an impact on him as well. It sounds like you just told him you want to separate or take some time out. He will have been managing his own emotions and probably therefore not able to take on yours as well. It sounds as if this has been going on for a while.

This.

If someone told me they were struggling and unhappy and I was part of that, I'm not sure my instinct would be to cuddle them either.

Ypu gave him a lot to process in one go and he needs time to do so.

If you're not happy in the relationship and want out then you need to be honest with yourself and him about that.

Xmaspenguin · 21/11/2023 07:58

fightorflight30 · 21/11/2023 07:21

How did you go about ending it?
Do you have children etc?
Xx

Show quote history

We do have two children primary aged and one is autistic. The kids were the reason we tried to stay together for so long.

We rent. He left the house and found somewhere else to live. I stayed with the kids in the family home. I suppose for me it was easy because he didn't want to squabble about stuff like who had the telly and the sofa etc. We both mutually agreed it was best for the kids that I kept most of our stuff.

I work full time and earned similar to ex. I could take on the house and bills myself, just. I also receive universal credit because we rent. DC is probably eligible for DLA/PIP but I haven't claimed. The first thing I did was look on 'entitled to' to work out finances. Ex pays just over the CSA recommended amount of maintenance although we don't go through CSA. He has the kids two days a week.

I appreciate that compared to some others, my split has been relatively straightforward. I haven't had to move the kids or move schools etc. And for all the bad things about my ex, he does always lit the kids needs above his own which has made it easier. But it was still the most terrifying thing I have ever done. The first six weeks were hard and I did really struggle. I am coming out of the other side now and can see all of the positives of the split.

PurpleBugz · 21/11/2023 08:01

@fightorflight30

There were a couple incidents that really highlighted to me I would get Jo support from him. I then had a family wedding and people I hadn't seen in months were saying what's wrong or just giving me a hug when I'd only said tired etc. Was a stark contrast to the support I got at home. I then went to stay with family for a few days to sort my head out and and he tried the whole gaslighting thing where he says it's hard for him too etc etc but expected me to put the effort into improving things while he kept on as he was essentially- basically if I could make him happy he would be supportive.

I had tenants in my house so have them notice and waited till they found something. Benefit of moving across county for his work was once I got home I just stepped back into my old life again. Not sure I could have managed it financially if I didn't have the job I have and already had the house. We also never got married so do t have that mess. He is a lazy selfish father, makes a bit of effort now and again then disappears for weeks won't even answer my messages. It is what it is. I still have more support now than I did with him

Xmaspenguin · 21/11/2023 08:02

Even if you decide not to leave, I recommend reading up on codependency. This has really helped me. My relationship would still have ended TBH but I wish I'd learned about it beforehand.

Women who love too much and Codependent no more are both really good.

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