Why is it so difficult to call it a day ?

[gillys]

My almost 17 year marriage has been on shaky ground for a long time. We have separated briefly twice in the last couple of years (just a few weeks) but end up getting back together because we miss each other. We had counselling about 3 years ago, it improved things for a while but it soon wore off.
I think he has some narcissistic traits, but he has mild epilepsy so I’ve often put his behaviour down to that.
He is a Jekyll & Hyde character. He can be fun, loving,funny & very “in” to me or he is quite cold & can make nasty, bullying comments. He is the same with our grown up daughter, she is actually not his by birth but he has been in her life since she was 5 & he says he considers her as his own.

I can’t believe that someone who says he loves me so much can speak to me & her in such vile ways sometimes.
The latest behaviour has been almost a last straw for me, but I feel stuck.
I don’t work anymore after he encouraged me to give up some years ago. He earns well & gives me a good amount to spend & we agree on all our savings & expenditure , except for the extortionate amount of money he has given his parents of the years. The are always claiming they have no money but they have 2 cars, animals, an expensive hobby & go on holiday. He pays for anything new they want around the home.
This weekend involved another row & both of us saying we’ve had enough.
He says he will pay off the mortgage for me, so I can keep the house, but without a job, or my own car( we share one) I don’t know how I’ll survive. I don’t have many skills for work, can’t go back to my old job, I’ve been out of the game too long would need to re train, my Dad recently died & my Mum has become reliant on me for company. She doesn’t have many friends & I have no siblings.
As I write this I’m imagining how much my life is going to change & it scares me a lot. I’m wondering whether we can get through this, but then it would happen again a bit down the line.
why am I finding it so hard to make this final ?

Can your daughter help by working too, if she still lives at home.

Tbh my biggest concern is that she has grown up with a man who has interchanged 'love' with abuse. That she will likely go on to find herself in similarly abusive relationships. It's a worrying likelihood.

I think the first step once you've ended it with him, needs to be for you and her to do the freedom programme. It's online and it's cheap. It will hopefully prevent her from getting into abusive relationships and also, wise you up more to the abuse you have experienced yourself, reaffirming your decision to leave him as the correct one.

Secondly, speak with a solicitor before saying anything to him about divorcing. Find out what you need to show them to prove his income ect...

You will be entitled to a share in the divorce. Ideally the house will be sold and you will use your share to downsize to a place you can afford. And tide you over whilst you find a job/take a course that'll help you find a career.

Thirdly, consider looking into your entitlements and if there is anything you no longer use but can sell in order to save up extra money to have on hand whilst the divorce goes through. And look for easy to get jobs such as cleaning or restaurant work atm as there are worker shortages. Consider voluntary positions in charities for a few hours per week too perhaps as these will help get you references for a new job.

I know it's scary bit you only get one life. And really, shouldn't it be an adventure? Shouldn't we do things that scare us sometimes because they get us to new, better places?

You can do it op. Believe in yourself.

@Pinkbonbon , my daughter is in her twenties & has been in a solid relationship for 4 years, they are saving up to buy there own place.
There will be no problems re the house. DH has already said he doesn’t want it, most of it was bought with my money anyway, so he is happy to pay the mortgage off & walk away. He will find somewhere to rent.
I already do some voluntary roles.

it’s not the practical stuff so much, more the emotional side. I still love him & I know he loves me still. But it is a toxic relationship, it’s the final letting go that I’m struggling with.
he’s been my best friend as well all these years, , it’s the day to day company & contact which will be hard.
The good times have been very good but just mixed in with some horrible times too.
now the horrible seems too often.

Bit confused why epilepsy would cause this behaviour

Why not look for a job now as chances are the relationship is over, whether now or next month, next year and you’re going to need to support yourself. You can support your mum on evenings / day off. Obviously things will change but to stay because you don’t want to work isn’t fair

I'm going to be brutal.
It's only hard because you don't want to go back to work, you need to though otherwise this is your life.

Get a job ASAP and get anything he says about you having the house nailed down as he could change his mind. Especially if he meets someone else who has other ideas about that.

17 years is a long time and it will be difficult, strange and painful. It's not a reason to stay though.

It’s because they train you to be dependent on them. My XH was the same. Took over doing a lot, encouraged me to stop working (I didn’t). I described myself as having a ‘learned dependency’. Once you’ve left, over time, you will become independent again. It’s not easy but it can be done.
If you think he’s narcissistic, I highly recommend looking at Caroline Strawson’s social media pages and website. She’s an expert on narcissism and toxic relationships. She’s been very helpful for me in recovering.

Presumably you don't have much of a pension, however what he has is a marital asset and could well be worth more than the house. If you are older I wld think carefully about whether you're better off sharing that rather than keeping the house. Get a proper valuation. Also depending on how old you are going back to work might not be optional. Retraining into a new career could be the fresh start you need anyway.

I dunno if I'd trust him to keep his word regarding the mortgage and house. You've said yourself that he's very changeable.

If you've voluntary work under your belt, getting a job should be pretty straightforward. Get a cv together and maybe have your daughter read it.

Once you've worked a month or two and see you can do it, you might feel more belief in yourself and strength to leave him.

Ps: even more useful for your daughter to do the freedom program if she's saving up to buy a place with her partner. Hopefully he's lovely if they've been together 4 years...but you've been with your far longer and clearly that doesn't necessarily mean he's the nicest person. I'd try talk her into doing it alongside you.