Silent treatment after works do

[Dachshundmamax]

Hi all. First time posting but really need some advice.
I’ve been with my bf for around 10 months now, he’s 15 years older than me, (in his 50s) but I thought a mature man could treat me better than men my age.

anyway, we spend most weekends in at his house even though I have my own place, but he always insist we stay at his. It’s a nice place, although sometimes he does have lodgers staying. I’m usually there 3 nights per week, leaving my own 18 year old son at home who I do miss when I’m away.

I haven’t seen much of my friends at the weekend since I met my bf, and felt like I needed some space and me time lately, so with my works Xmas do coming up at the weekend, I decided to stay at mine all weekend have time with my friends and family. I wasn’t funny with him at all, told him I’d see him next weekend and everything was fine.

on Saturday, I was enjoying being at home and getting ready for a night out. He was messaging me a few bizarre things. He sent me a photo of a bracelet that he found down the side of his couch when he was cleaning asking if it was mine. It wasn’t. He said it must have been someone else’s before me and binned it. Then he was insisting that he pick me up after my works do to take me back to his later on. I wouldn’t have my stuff at his house, plus I was looking forward to having a girly night and probably a late one since I hadn’t let me hair down in a while, so I politely told him no thanks.

he asked me to FaceTime him before I headed out, which I did, and he told me I was showing “too much breast” and was not happy that people could look at my cleavage. I’m not the most self confident person, and my boobs are probably the only thing about myself I’m happy with. He knows this.

I was messaging him while at the Xmas do, keeping him updated with my night and we didn’t speak much after 11pm as he usually goes to bed at that time anyway. I had a great night out with friends I hadn’t seen in a long time and really enjoyed myself.

I messaged him in the morning at 10:30 saying “morning”. He wrote “morning” back. I asked him if he was ok, no reply. Tried ringing him, didn’t answer. Text him again saying I don’t like the silent treatment, he didn’t reply.

He’s text me today at 2pm saying “i think I’ve got myself in a pickle, don’t know how to make things better” so I replied “i don’t understand?”. I’ve tried to ring him, he’s ignored me. He’s been online, and ghosted me again all day. I’ve told him maybe it’s best I get my things from his house this week (small belongings I’ve left there over the months). He’s read it and not replied.

is this punishment for me having a life/going out? This is the first night I’ve had out since being with him since March. Just want to add, we always stay in at his house and he has never taken me out for a meal and paid.

it feels like emotional abuse/controlling behaviour. What would you do?

be ready for the love bombing and him realising what a fool he has been........... you could write the script!

Hi in my 50's and put up with so many times I have been treated like this and expected to apologise . Don't put up with it - I have been walked over ALOT and wish I could go back . I think you need to talk to him and tell him this is not what you want or how you wish to be treated . Biggest loves

Red flags!!

Trying to control you into submission. When it doesn't work and you end it be prepared for the love bombing or him pleading insecurities and he just loves you so much he could not help him.

Run away

I feel really stupid for putting up with it all year

It's great that your eyes are fully open to him now OP. What a great time to close this awful chapter in your life! Get your stuff back, dump him, block him and let 2024 be the year you put yourself first. Onwards and upwards!

He has shown who he is. Leave now and don't be fooled by apologies etc. You could do so much better and don't set the bar low next time. Also start early on in the relationship ship testing him for things like this ie- going out, running late, making a mistake to see his reaction.

Absolutely dump him OP. He's controlling and horrible and you deserve So much better.
As an aside- I cannot believe you're really talking about a man in his fifties - it sounds like an eighteen year old!! Do they just never grow up?! The bracelet thing- trying to make you feel like there might be another girl interested in him! - is so transparent and pathetic it would be absolutely hilarious if the bigger picture wasn't so disturbing

He sounded bad enough before the update but now

Good luck with getting your stuff back. Walk away with no apology or regrets.

Run run run.

This guy is the human embodiment of a neon-flashing, 5-alarm red flag extravaganza. He makes the attached pic look modest and pleasant. Take your largest male friends with you to collect your stuff. He's attempting to bully, undermine, isolate and demean you. Ask yourself: would such a man be worthy of consideration by your best pal? Why would you even think this idiot is worthy of another iota of your brain-space? You have taken a brave first step by confronting this acceptance. Drop the bum.

Personally I would let him explain what he means by getting himself in a pickle first.
However it is a massive red flag and I would be preparing to leave. He doesn’t sound great.

Sorry I missed the update. No, too many red flags. Leave him.

is this punishment for me having a life/going out?

Yes.

it feels like emotional abuse/controlling behaviour

Yes it is.

What would you do?

Dump him immediately and run for the hills. He's a complete cunt.

Dump and jump.

@Ionlylikedityesterday I know what you're saying here but I think it's a mistake to engage with him. He'll do everything he can to reel OP back in. The pleading, the whinging, the reproaching and the it's-for-your-own-gooding would be a nauseating spectacle. We all know he can pickle himself without anyone's help. Good!

Run
he’s super controlling and not even nice! Why would you lie to people about stuff?? This is a massive no! The only reply to I’m going out with my friends is…. have a nice time anything else is controlling behaviour! And you’ve got nice tits why would he say something mean to try and get you to change?? You shouldn’t leave your son to see this guy so often! He should stay at yours and he should pay to feed you at his house!! Stop paying for stuff when you’re a single mum. I offer to pay my half for stuff but not for food shopping at someone’s house!

Oh OP, this actually makes me really sad. Your standards are so low - you've been paying half his weekly shopping, doing all the cooking and cleaning, and you don't even live with him?

I am so glad you've realised how shit this is and are going to end it.

PS - his "I've got myself in a pickle" is supposed to make you worried that he's suicidal or something so you rush round there apologising for upsetting him. I'm glad you haven't fallen for that shit.

Bloody hell OP - Run like the wind.
Controlling, nasty, trying to damage your self confidence. Awful. Get away, stay away, and don't respond to his cryptic messages - he wants you worried about him so you never do anything without him, and do nothing with your life but wait on him hand and foot.

Once he realises you're serious, beware Act 1 of The Script;

Mr Nice - tears, apologies, I'll do better, presents, dates, nice nice nice to reel you back in.

Do not fall for it.

If you do, the whole cycle will start again because that mask has very flimsy strings and will soon drop off again.

And sadly once he realises that's failed, enter Mr Nasty - Act 2: threats, insults, attempts to make you think it was all your fault, you're crazy, I'll harm myself ...

That's when you need your team, your family and friends around you.

It's so hard but there are countless women here who've been through this script.

”it feels like emotional abuse/controlling behaviour.”

Trust your feelings, it IS controlling. Glad to see you’re ending things. What you describe in the first post would be enough justification, but the behaviour you describe in your follow up… 😬

Unless you can take a friend with you (preferably male), let go of your things. He sounds quite scary!

This is massively unhealthy and controlling and you know it. Get out now before your lives become any more emneshed

He doesn't like you spending time with your friends
He tried to control what you wear.
Everything has to be his own way.

Run. now. This will never get any better.

I thought this as well.

Also, I think he's trying to say he doesn't bother paying enough attention to you to recognise your jewellery... and making a feature of the fact that its not important to him to do so, and therefore he doesn't recognise whether its something you'd probably wear and it could be any random woman's,

There's something v odd and calculated about that message - especially on a day when he's already demonstrated that he's pissed off with you. Why was it so urgent and important to send you photos of it when you could have just checked it as and when. He's def playing mind games.

The fact is you had a weekend without him, having fun, seeing friends and being yourself and it was a blessed relief to you. Also that his demands and insistence on staying at his means that you leave your 18 year old son alone and you miss him. That's precious time with your son as he moves into the next stage of his life and you are missing out on it because of this demanding controlling man. He is not interested in the things that are important to you, only what's important to himself, which includes all your household duties in his house. Not your own house!

Just seen your update about him instructing you to tell your friends HE bought you the bike you bought yourself and how you are paying for all his food and meals out.

So he knows that it makes him look better if he sometimes is generous towards you, and wants to wallow in a good reputation in the eyes of your friends, but he doesn't actually want to be generous towards you. So he's hit on the perfect solution - get you to lie to your friends that he treats you better than he actually does! What a wonderful and convenient mental maneuver for him. Reputation saved at no effort on his part !!! Class!

Ending relationships is difficult because one can be plagued with doubts about whether you are overreacting or whether it's the right decision, but I think in this case, Your enjoyable weekend and his sulky, resentful and selfish reaction to it tells you all you need to know about how you could be enjoying your life a lot more without this miserable millstone around your neck.
Time to put yourself first again OP.

ps. Id get a friend to come with you to get your clothes and bike. This guy sounds like he won't be happy and could turn nasty about being thwarted, but he does care what others think of him,

OP, this guy is really very bad. Can you break it off immediately? I understand why you want your bike and clothes. But unless you are willing to bring a friend, it would be safer to forget them.

Then please go easy with yourself. You will have done something brave and important.

I would leave the little things at his assuming nothing of value .Text him to say I don't tolerate this treatment and good bye. You're worth so much more. luckily you still have own place and your friends moving forward.

I wouldn’t. He wants her to be concerned so I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction.