Silent treatment after works do

[Dachshundmamax]

Hi all. First time posting but really need some advice.
I’ve been with my bf for around 10 months now, he’s 15 years older than me, (in his 50s) but I thought a mature man could treat me better than men my age.

anyway, we spend most weekends in at his house even though I have my own place, but he always insist we stay at his. It’s a nice place, although sometimes he does have lodgers staying. I’m usually there 3 nights per week, leaving my own 18 year old son at home who I do miss when I’m away.

I haven’t seen much of my friends at the weekend since I met my bf, and felt like I needed some space and me time lately, so with my works Xmas do coming up at the weekend, I decided to stay at mine all weekend have time with my friends and family. I wasn’t funny with him at all, told him I’d see him next weekend and everything was fine.

on Saturday, I was enjoying being at home and getting ready for a night out. He was messaging me a few bizarre things. He sent me a photo of a bracelet that he found down the side of his couch when he was cleaning asking if it was mine. It wasn’t. He said it must have been someone else’s before me and binned it. Then he was insisting that he pick me up after my works do to take me back to his later on. I wouldn’t have my stuff at his house, plus I was looking forward to having a girly night and probably a late one since I hadn’t let me hair down in a while, so I politely told him no thanks.

he asked me to FaceTime him before I headed out, which I did, and he told me I was showing “too much breast” and was not happy that people could look at my cleavage. I’m not the most self confident person, and my boobs are probably the only thing about myself I’m happy with. He knows this.

I was messaging him while at the Xmas do, keeping him updated with my night and we didn’t speak much after 11pm as he usually goes to bed at that time anyway. I had a great night out with friends I hadn’t seen in a long time and really enjoyed myself.

I messaged him in the morning at 10:30 saying “morning”. He wrote “morning” back. I asked him if he was ok, no reply. Tried ringing him, didn’t answer. Text him again saying I don’t like the silent treatment, he didn’t reply.

He’s text me today at 2pm saying “i think I’ve got myself in a pickle, don’t know how to make things better” so I replied “i don’t understand?”. I’ve tried to ring him, he’s ignored me. He’s been online, and ghosted me again all day. I’ve told him maybe it’s best I get my things from his house this week (small belongings I’ve left there over the months). He’s read it and not replied.

is this punishment for me having a life/going out? This is the first night I’ve had out since being with him since March. Just want to add, we always stay in at his house and he has never taken me out for a meal and paid.

it feels like emotional abuse/controlling behaviour. What would you do?

This.
And then block him.

Although if you encounter any of his family I’d be inclined to tell them that you bought the bike and he made you lie so he didn’t look like such a tight-fisted arsehole. But I wouldn’t offer up the information unless you have no choice but to speak to them.

Your instincts are are trying to save you. Get him in the bin.

LTB!

Another vote for taking someone with you when you collect your stuff. Better to be on the safe side.

You'll be so much happier without him. Good luck 💐

Good god what am I reading, bin that off fast op, Christ you can’t be with someone who treats you like this.

I am sorry but my mind is truly boggling with wonder how he has managed to manipulate you into becoming his weekend cook, not only for no pay, but to get you to pay for the privilege as well!

He’s sulking and you should not pander to him. At 50 he should know better but his controlling behaviour is very likely the reason he has not remained in a relationship. He should most certainly not be telling you what to wear.

When I was 17 I had a boyfriend like this. It massively affected my enjoyment of things and I would spend nights out hunched over my phone, panicking that I'd upset him. In hindsight he was an insecure and controlling prick.

How would you feel if your 18 year old was being treated this way? You're a whole person and you're brilliant - I really think you should dump this loser.

OP this is well beyond first level

This man is controlling, manipulative and emotionally abusive - the games playing with the bracelet and telling you he’s in a pickle is extraordinary.

Never date someone who separates you from your friends and family, even without all this.

There are SO MANY red flags

Get rid immediately and block

This!!! The problem is they put on this facade of being a ‘boyfriend’. If he just went on a first date with op and said “oh I’m only looking for someone to spend a few nights with me so they can do all my cooking and pay for the food” op would have ran a mile. This is how jerks like him pull the wool over people’s eyes by disguising this sort of slavery and financial abuse as a ‘relationship’!

Oh bloody hell I just read your update. It’s like Stockholm syndrome! You are basically his weekend prisoner dash slave.

Get rid today.

In regards to my things at his house, it’s clothes mainly and a brand new bike, so I do really need to get them. Im planning on going tomorrow after work.

Go round with a couple of friends or your son and his mates. Say one of them is borrowing the bike so you need it back. Be bright and breezy, don't mention ending it. Leave, then block him on everything. He doesn't deserve an ending and it would be dangerous to try to end it face to face with him anyway. So get the main thing you want back and get out of there.

Good update op.

What a pathetic man he is

What an awful man. Hope you’re okay.

Just make sure to get everything of yours out of his house before you tell him.

I would take someone with you when you collect your things, please don't make yourself vulnerable. He's loosing a lot, you (and you're obviously great) all that you do for him like the cooking and a source of income.

Take a friend, brother, cousin or work colleague, get your stuff and block him on everything.

urggh what a loser he sounds

Agree with the others. He's trying to TRAIN you to do what you're told. And I agree, the bracelet down the back of the sofa? either he's deliberately trying to make you jealous which is manipulative and pathetic, or he's cheating. Either way, poor character. Get back to your home, your life, your son. Xx

I've been there. Things start off great and then .................. the only difference between women with great partners and women with asshole partners is that some women don't stick around to have these court case style dialogues in their heads. Eg ''did I interpret this correctly?'', ''do I deserve the silent treatment?''.
The women who have great partners or who are single are just like, nope, not for me buddy, see ya. I have got to that point now but I was like you, trying to figure it out as though that would make it go away.

My guess is he will turn on the charm. Do not fall for him. He sounds absolutely grim.

Run for the hills OP.
He’ll try to turn on the charm and when you don’t fall for it he’ll threaten suicide (my red flag monster followed the script).
Get your stuff then block him.

Good luck for today and getting your stuff back.

Don't let him charm you.

Take someone with you to collect your stuff.

This. @Dachshundmamax - Very first response says it all.

A controlling arseh0le is a controlling arseh0le, whether he's young or old.

Don't apologise, don't try to get him to "forgive" you, don't let him see you are bothered.

Just text back " 'k " and let him stew. (I think 'k is more passive-aggressive than OK and says "suit yourself, tw@t")

He is very likely to start bombarding you with messages of undying love when you don't respond. Ignore them. Find somebody who treats you with respect and is prepared to accept both you and your son into his life. Reconnect with your friends. Go out with your mates. Enjoy yourself - you are still a young woman. You can do without this sh!t.

On the other hand he may totally ignore you - this is also fine.

Either way, you win because you get rid of him.

Ditch him.

I would run away so fast from that controlling negging miser! Really creepy guy.

Seriously OP, what’s the point of a man like this? Relationships are supposed to make you happy.

but I thought a mature man could treat me better than men my age

This is flawed thinking. An older man usually has more entrenched behaviours and deeper sense of entitlement. However may have got better at hiding it during the early stages.

My advice don't leave your 18 year old f9r days, he may move out in a few years and I think you will regret the time you chose to spend away from him. Especially when it's wasted on a controlling sulking man.