Silent treatment after works do

[Dachshundmamax]

Hi all. First time posting but really need some advice.
I’ve been with my bf for around 10 months now, he’s 15 years older than me, (in his 50s) but I thought a mature man could treat me better than men my age.

anyway, we spend most weekends in at his house even though I have my own place, but he always insist we stay at his. It’s a nice place, although sometimes he does have lodgers staying. I’m usually there 3 nights per week, leaving my own 18 year old son at home who I do miss when I’m away.

I haven’t seen much of my friends at the weekend since I met my bf, and felt like I needed some space and me time lately, so with my works Xmas do coming up at the weekend, I decided to stay at mine all weekend have time with my friends and family. I wasn’t funny with him at all, told him I’d see him next weekend and everything was fine.

on Saturday, I was enjoying being at home and getting ready for a night out. He was messaging me a few bizarre things. He sent me a photo of a bracelet that he found down the side of his couch when he was cleaning asking if it was mine. It wasn’t. He said it must have been someone else’s before me and binned it. Then he was insisting that he pick me up after my works do to take me back to his later on. I wouldn’t have my stuff at his house, plus I was looking forward to having a girly night and probably a late one since I hadn’t let me hair down in a while, so I politely told him no thanks.

he asked me to FaceTime him before I headed out, which I did, and he told me I was showing “too much breast” and was not happy that people could look at my cleavage. I’m not the most self confident person, and my boobs are probably the only thing about myself I’m happy with. He knows this.

I was messaging him while at the Xmas do, keeping him updated with my night and we didn’t speak much after 11pm as he usually goes to bed at that time anyway. I had a great night out with friends I hadn’t seen in a long time and really enjoyed myself.

I messaged him in the morning at 10:30 saying “morning”. He wrote “morning” back. I asked him if he was ok, no reply. Tried ringing him, didn’t answer. Text him again saying I don’t like the silent treatment, he didn’t reply.

He’s text me today at 2pm saying “i think I’ve got myself in a pickle, don’t know how to make things better” so I replied “i don’t understand?”. I’ve tried to ring him, he’s ignored me. He’s been online, and ghosted me again all day. I’ve told him maybe it’s best I get my things from his house this week (small belongings I’ve left there over the months). He’s read it and not replied.

is this punishment for me having a life/going out? This is the first night I’ve had out since being with him since March. Just want to add, we always stay in at his house and he has never taken me out for a meal and paid.

it feels like emotional abuse/controlling behaviour. What would you do?

Think what you would advise a friend in this situation. Block him. Please. think about alll the nice things in your future.

Another vote for blocking him. Why let him play on your emotions like that? You know that he's no good for you.

The fact that you can't bring yourself to block him shows that you are vulnerable to his machinations. So how about you block him for the next 3 hours. Just give it a try then extend the time until he's history.

Well his message is no surprise at all is it? He's following the Script to the letter. At least he's being nice and predictable. Read up on all the next moves he'll make so that you can stay one step ahead of him. There's some excellent threads on here about the script. But most of all stay strong through the next week or two, then you'll be absolutely fine and chump free! Hold your head high, you're not a tramp.

If you can’t block yet total radio silence do not reply at all.

Tears, apologies, soupy romantic clichés, presents, promises, I'll do better, we'll be better bla bla bla... Be wary, that's what's coming.

Pushing all the buttons, pulling all the strings - it's classic hoovering behaviour.

Because he's lost control, he'll run through all the stages of the performance to try to reel you back in under his control.

Because control's his goal.

It. Isn't. Real.

It's a slippy mask he's crammed back on for a bit.

This is stage 1 - he knows you'd love to feel like you might once have felt, so he's starting to recreate a facsimile of what was good in your relationship to get the stupid hormones surging again. Their sole purpose is to get you pregnant. Don't fall for any of it. Don't get back.

The trouble is so many women do - sometimes many times, in an endless destructive spin cycle.

It might help every time he does something to post here - because we can confirm that yep, that's what he's doing.

Remember you said it was weekends that you spent at his every time and when you said no this is what it's come to. It's come to Friday and he is missing you and as someone else said the love bombing is starting... I believe he probably does miss you but at the same time you really really do deserve more than that. I feel for you and hope you get through this xx

Your friend is correct. Block.

Not exactly much effort made by him is it? Play a track, record it, send it.

There would have to be 10x more effort before I’d reply. And only then with 🤣.

It will get easier.
💐

He doesn't even seem bothered. Lazily sending some recording to see if you'll bite. Waste of space!!

Well, he’s lost without his meal ticket….

I can also believe he's missing you. But he doesn't ask you what you're feeling as in his MO, it's for him to affect. His style is to press play |》Nostalgia (now).
Last week it was |》Guilt.
Whether it's a silent treatment or a song, he wants to control how you feel. @Dachshundmamax you've dodged a bullet. Reciprocal communication is not his style.

Please do block and I'm so pleased you got your stuff etc.

Stay strong!

Glad you got your stuff while he was still in sulk mode.

Your friend is right. Please block him.

His timing is interesting isn't it. Is he sad he won't have you there for cooking and company this weekend? And worried you'll have more fun without him? (You will btw).

Keep yourself busy and reread people's comments on this thread or reach out to your friend if you have a wobble.

Definitely block him.

Hi op, it's natural to miss him, you'd not be human if you didn't. But give it time and you'll see it'll end up being one of the best decisions you've ever made.

Your friend is right, you should block him. It's standard emotional blackmail tactics he's using. His normal silent treatment hasn't worked so he's gone for another tactic, ignore him and leave him to his abuse.

Stay strong OP and keep posting. You have an army of MNetters behind you.

Take your good friend out and treat them and yourself with the money you would have spent on his shopping this week. There is more joy and better things for you ahead. Believe in yourself and don't let him pull you down. You've got this.

Take care and stay strong. You’ve had a lucky escape.

I'm feeling for you too, the early days of a break up truly can be awful and sad and lonely. Just remember the bad bits unfortunately - do you want to go back to that? Sigh - those same old problems.

Exactly.

Having been through a few wall head banging situations myself, as in, no matter which way I look at it, its not working and cannot work - I have found that the best thing to do is to direct my attention elsewhere. Constantly going over and over it doesn't get a girl anywhere, when the clear message is that it just won't work. Accept it, and move forwards.

From what you've said of this guy, he's not that nice underneath because he wants you to subjugate yourself to him. I literally could not tolerate a man who expected me to stop going out, because I have no children and am a musician and I go out a LOT. It is a HUGE bugbear of mine, and I go out most weekends both nights, playing music with my friends. You can't enjoy life feeling guilty about wanting to go out; you will sit there knowing the atmosphere is being ruined by a deliberate kill joy, who doesn't get you and doesn't understand that, if he just left you alone to have your night, you'd probably end up sitting there thinking of him and how excellent he is. Instead you've got a guy who throws cold water on your good time. You can't live like that darling xx it is not healthy.

Keep busy and build better and take the advice from the women here, to ask yourself why your bar was so low that you accepted this, just to have him in your life, letting him cut bits of you off and thinking you would be happy x

You will get your happy ever after just not with him. He used you and you will see that in time good luck x

Classic emotional manipulation. Please don't fall for it, he's missing his slave of course.

Your friend is right - do you really want to receive this mawkish nonsense from a man who you can now see was controlling and manipulative?

Block him. Keep busy. Spend time with your DS and you family and friends. Move on.

So many people get reeled back in.

Option (1) get eaten up by him playing on your emotions, and pressing the right buttons.
Option (2) get drawn in by his tears, 'I will change, I'm so sorry.' 'You're my soulmate!'. Then you're writing the same thread 5 years later.
Option (3) block and move on with your life.

You have to pick one.

You're doing so well OP. Please listen to your friend and block him, otherwise you're giving him permission to mess with your life indefinitely. Take control of this now. Good luck

If you are tempted to text him, you will get back with him. Raise your bar.

Hey everyone just wanted to keep you posted as your messages have been keeping me going this week! Thanks so much.

You were right…the full blown hoovering has started. On Friday night obviously we had the Freya ridings clip. I didn’t reply. Then on Saturday he sent me a funny meme, and messaged me saying “hey” - as though nothing has happened.

Then he had the cheek to send another message saying “I’ve got a fillet steak here with your name on it”. Probably raw, wanting me to come round and cook it. then he said “you haven’t said no, so I will keep trying. I’m so sorry, is there any chance I can redeem myself? 😔”

later I got “i really miss you can I speak to you?”

then he sent me a photo of us saying “this was a good day please don’t give up on us. Look how beautiful we look, I’d say stunning. I’m so lost without you”.

I still didn’t reply.

This morning I was sending screenshots of the messages to my friend and I made a school boy error and accidentally sent the screenshots to him! He’s saved as “selfish prick” in my phone too. I unsent them quickly but not sure if he saw them or not, sometimes WhatsApp can automatically save photos to your phone. I then received a message saying “il leave you be”

im not tempted to go back there at all. I do have pangs of sadness at another failed relationship but I understand it’s normal