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Original poster

Overnight stays with new born baby

24 replies

Tayla92 · 20/11/2023 20:51

Me and my partner have split up and I am pregnant. I have a while to go yet but the conversation arose about having overnight stays when the baby is born. Personally I will not be comfortable with this and would prefer to wait until the baby is a little older before agreeing to overnight stays. I am planning to breastfeed so not sure how that would work, I am going to express but have been told to ensure baby is fully to grips with the breast first and this can take weeks. I would also like to make sure they are in an established sleep routine.
I have said to my ex partner that once this is all in motion then I would be happy to agree to overnight stays. He also lives a couple of hours away and the thought of my baby being so far away upsets me just thinking about it! I also don't think it's healthy for a baby to go on such long car journeys at such a young age?
He is quite angry and upset and thinks I’m putting boundaries in place for no reason and I can’t stress enough that this is not the case. I want my baby to have a proper bond with their dad and have even agreed that he can come round every day when the baby is born so he can form a bond with them too! For context, his mom lives round the corner so he will be stopping with her for the first couple of weeks whilst on paternity leave.
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Lovemusic82 · 20/11/2023 21:02

I’m pretty sure a court would not grant him over night access to a newborn especially if the baby is breast fed. You are totally right in not wanting him to have the baby overnight. Hopefully you can work something out so he can have access by visiting the baby at your house. If he doesn’t agree he can take it to court and is unlikely to get anywhere with it until the child is older.

Your not being unreasonable at all.

DisquietintheRanks · 20/11/2023 21:08

Of course you're not. The father will have many years for overnight stays, but not in the first 12 months. Stand firm.

With such a distance it will be difficult for him to build a relationship with the baby though - does he have friends or family near to where you live? It might be worth thinking about how you'd like things to work.

Zanatdy · 20/11/2023 21:12

Not at all. No court will grant overnights with a baby so I’d tell him overnights won’t be happening until you and baby are ready and you can’t tell him when that will be

Grendell · 20/11/2023 21:22

In my jurisdiction there are no overnights with dad until child is 3 years old.

gamerchick · 20/11/2023 21:26

Let him whinge. It's not going to happen, even if he took you to court.

espresso14 · 20/11/2023 21:34

You absolutely will not want to be that far from your baby, and neither will baby want to be far from you. He could stay nearby and visit, but he shouldn't even have a newborn for a couple of hours alone. Not because he is a danger, but newborns need to be with Mum, end of.

category12 · 20/11/2023 21:39

Don't agree to anything of the kind - agree reasonable access and be flexible if you can - but him taking the baby for overnights early on is a no go.

You're right that being in a car-seat for that length of journey is a risk for a young baby as well.

If his mum lives round the corner, then it's fairly simple for him to visit.

Omma23 · 20/11/2023 21:44

What everyone else has said. It’s not a reasonable or practicable request. He can stomp his feet all he wants. Stand firm and don’t let anyone try to guilt you. You are the mum and where this is concerned you know best. Your baby needs YOU in those early days.

haribosmarties · 20/11/2023 21:44

If he went to court he will not get overnight stays with a breastfed newborn baby. It is not in a newborns best interests to be away from its mother unless really necessary.
He needs to have the baby for short periods of time during the first couple of months. Overnight stays need to be worked up to.
He can be as angry as he likes he is absolutely in the wrong here. He needs to think about the welfare of the baby. Its not a doll to be carted about.

OverseeingThePuddingMaker · 20/11/2023 21:45

For young babies it is meant to be contact little and often and usually when you are present too, ie he comes over for a coffee and sees the baby. Absolutely no overnights at all for a couple of years so he can get that out of his head now. A baby remains with their primary carer which is you. So don't agree to any overnights and in all honesty once the baby is here you will feel very strongly about this, it is usually incredibly hard for a Mother to leave her baby with people, for me, even my Mum who I trusted completely and that was literally so I could pop to the shops for 10 minutes and that was my second child!

If he wants a relationship with his child why is he hours away? Why is he not local any more?

Original poster
Tayla92 · 20/11/2023 22:48

DisquietintheRanks · 20/11/2023 21:08

Of course you're not. The father will have many years for overnight stays, but not in the first 12 months. Stand firm.

With such a distance it will be difficult for him to build a relationship with the baby though - does he have friends or family near to where you live? It might be worth thinking about how you'd like things to work.

Thank you, he has family in the same town as me. He moved away for uni and then stayed living away. We met when he came to visit family so it's difficult. He also has a child where he lives now which adds to it all!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tayla92 · 20/11/2023 22:51

OverseeingThePuddingMaker · 20/11/2023 21:45

For young babies it is meant to be contact little and often and usually when you are present too, ie he comes over for a coffee and sees the baby. Absolutely no overnights at all for a couple of years so he can get that out of his head now. A baby remains with their primary carer which is you. So don't agree to any overnights and in all honesty once the baby is here you will feel very strongly about this, it is usually incredibly hard for a Mother to leave her baby with people, for me, even my Mum who I trusted completely and that was literally so I could pop to the shops for 10 minutes and that was my second child!

If he wants a relationship with his child why is he hours away? Why is he not local any more?

I agree, I won't even want to leave them overnight with my mom if I'm not there. She's very kindly offered to stay over in the early days so she can help me with getting up etc but I nor she would feel comfortable leaving them on their own without me for a good while.

He moved away for uni and stayed living away. We met when he came to visit family. He has a child where he lives now which adds to the complications, so he has a lot of work to do!!

OP posts:
Channellingsophistication · 20/11/2023 23:19

Agree with others no overnight stays for baby! You are not being unreasonable at all

Pipa42 · 20/11/2023 23:22

What a horrid situation for you, no I would agree to overnight until baby a bit older

Maxiedog123 · 20/11/2023 23:24

He can't be putting a newborn in a car for 2 hour cartrips regularly either.

Vinrouge4 · 20/11/2023 23:38

Absolutely no way. Tell him he can visit for a short while when he is staying with his family once the baby is a bit older.

crumblingschools · 20/11/2023 23:43

Hope he will be paying CMS

fearfuloffluff · 20/11/2023 23:44

It's not about what he wants, it's about what is best for the baby.

Are you on terms where he could sleep on your sofa and help settle the baby in the night? You might be glad of it if it's not too stressful.

Taking baby two hours away - no chance.

OverseeingThePuddingMaker · 21/11/2023 06:14

@Tayla92 that makes sense about coming home to visit his family and how you met.

One piece of advice, absolutely give this child your last name. As you are unmarried he cannot register the baby without you being there. I would suggest you consider taking a friend or parent with you instead to register the baby. Long term there are massive ramifications if you choose to give your child his last name, you can never remove the father's name, no court would allow that.

Going forward apply for child maintenance and be prepared that further down the line he might want more regular contact with his child and as your child gets older then the both of you will have to facilitate this somehow. I would get legal advice on this.

And definitely yes to your Mum coming to stay if she is the sort of person who would help you. It is hard going so the more hands the better.

jelly79 · 21/11/2023 06:19

My DS didn't have an overnight stay until 18 months old with ex. This was then once a fortnight

GreyCarpet · 21/11/2023 07:01

You've had good advice from everyone else. I would also like to reinforce the advice to give the baby your last name.

A lot of women feel pressure to give the baby the fathers last name as a goodwill gesture to show they recognise their role as the dad. Do not do this. Your child will spend the majority of its time with you and there is no guarantee he won't just disappear never to be seen again.

MintJulia · 21/11/2023 07:09

Yanbu. Your ex is either showing his inexperience with new borns, or he's a spectacularly selfish man who thinks what he wants comes before the baby's health and well being.
Tell him no until 12 months old, and let him take you to court if he wishes. They will tell him the same.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/05/2024 23:15

Grendell · 20/11/2023 21:22

In my jurisdiction there are no overnights with dad until child is 3 years old.

Where is this?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/05/2024 23:17

jelly79 · 21/11/2023 06:19

My DS didn't have an overnight stay until 18 months old with ex. This was then once a fortnight

Did he want more or sooner?

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