How do your rows go?

[VenusOfTheKitchen]

Inspired by a newsthump article, and to make me feel better about my sad life, if you have regular or even occasional rows in your relationship, how do they go?

I was married to ex H for 13 years (21 year relationship).

”Low level” arguments would include H stonewalling/ignoring me, sneering, rolling his eyes,

I would react angrily. It would then go one of two ways:
(1) more stonewalling/“you’re crazy” - H would walk out, subject of conflict never resolved.
(2) H would massively escalate (“justified” by my anger) - name calling, screaming, smashing things, physical intimidation (throwing things at me, getting in my face), physical assault (grabbing me, pushing me, a couple of times hitting me). I would shout back but ultimately be cowed by whatever tactics he pulled out to “win”.

This cycle would happen 4-6 times a year but in the last year of our marriage more like every few weeks, and would be preceded by a period of simmering tension where I knew it was coming … it was almost a relief when it happened.

So so so extremely fucked up.

I’m now in a relationship with a lovely man - it’s in its first year and we don’t live together so honeymoon phase. However I can’t imagine ever fighting with him like that. He is more likely to grow wings and fly to the moon than ever call me names or make me feel emotionally or physically unsafe (ironically he has a v macho job and is about a foot taller than Napoleon syndrome ex H). The most we’ve had is minor tiffs where we might bicker a bit and get mildly annoyed and then one of us makes a joke and it’s behind us. We love each other and the thought of intentionally hurting him to “win” an argument is anathema to me.

Last week I tried to discuss a couple of news stories I had seen. DH told me that he didnt want to hear depressing stories and I had to tell him three good things..I said that he was being ridiculous and I should feel I can discuss current affairs with him, depressing or otherwise. Escalated from there.
Row ended with him calling me a stupid bitch and a fucking cow. Our 3 year old was sitting beside me.
I havent told anyone yet. How do I tell someone that

We don't argue often and when we do it's usually over something absolutely irrelevant. We are both autistic and as such can be highly strung in general and quite sensitive. We both have expectations of the other and strong dislikes of changes to routine it extra external pressures. We also own our own business and work very hard at that, which is also incredibly high pressure.

So usually one of us will have been over burdened outside the home, having to deal with business admin, work events, social events etc and will hit critical mass. This usually looks like having an emotional outburst over something seemingly unrelated and bickering for 30 minutes. Then both having suitably offended the other we will go and sit in different rooms for a while. If it's a bad arguement when we try to apologise or bump into eachother we end up rengaging the argument and so skulk off after another bout if bickering. If it's a small argument we make up.
We don't name call, nobody is violent, my partner can be quite catty but that's their nature and I don't really let it get to me as I know they don't mean it.

We both feel very shaken by an argument usually for a day or two afterwards. Even small arguments can feel quite big because we are very close, so we both generally feel dreadful after.

As I said, it doesn't happen too often and we try to take steps to remove the external pressures that neither of us particulalry enjoy. We both tend to be quite quick to calm down and forgive so we have never stone walled or had an argument that has lasted days.

@Alasar you’ve told us, that’s a start.

I am so sorry - I have lived exactly that experience and it’s soul destroying. I left when my children were 4.5 & 8.

Do you have anyone you could tell? Close family or friends? Trust me, it’s not okay and it’s not “normal” regardless of what your H might think or tell you. When I started telling people I was genuinely surprised that most people’s husbands didn’t call them names in fights - in fact most people didn’t have fights in the same way ex and I did. I knew the physical stuff was abuse but I didn’t realise that the emotional/verbal stuff was abuse and abnormal too. Life can be so much better.

@Alasar Sorry that sounds horrible, I hope there is someone you can tell now you've told us here.

My relationship rows start with me asking him to do something householdy or trying to discuss something important that we disagree on, he will then find something anything to find fault with me about and go on and on louder and louder until I leave the room or sometimes the house.

We don't row a lot but when we do it's only ever over something minor, I can count on one hand the number of big fall outs we've had in ten years.

Slightly raised voices but no shouting, defintely never any physical violence. Usually ends us giving each other the silent treatment until we've calmed down.

It's usually pretty obvious who's being unreasonable once we've calmed down.

If he's in the wrong then he'll come up and say 'just waiting for my apology' with a silly grin, and I'll laugh at him 'oh really' and he'll apologise properly. I'll always apologise if I know I'm in the wrong, and he will usually say something along the lines 'it's okay, I shouldn't have said/done X either'. Sometimes neither of us think we're in the wrong but we'll both apologise to each other for our part in the argument.

We never let an argument go without addressing or acknowledging it.

If DH is upset with me, he will very gently explain his feelings while validating mine. Something like "I understand why you would feel this way about xyz, this is how I feel".

If I get upset with him, I think the world has ended and I struggle to articulate. I absolutely need to do better in disagreements and if I feel I've overreacted, I'll admit it once I've calmed down and apologise.