Considering leaving my husband…who’s done nothing wrong

[cherrypenguin]

Will try to keep this brief. I’m 33 and my husband is 35, been married 1.5 years and together 10.

My husband is a lovely man, we are emotionally close, he is a good person, he calls me attractive and we regularly cuddle. He has NO IDEA how unhappy I am.

Over the past 3 months I have become increasingly unhappy with my marriage. I don’t want to bury the lede so - I can link these feelings to a specific trigger event which was a drunken ONS with a (different department) colleague (which I DEEPLY regret, haven’t spoken to OM since). Absolutely no one knows about this, OM is also married.

Before that my marriage issues existed, but I’d never really faced up to them, they didn’t make me unhappy. But now, they seem all consuming.

We rarely have sex. It’s not never but to give you an idea: The last time we had sex was 6 weeks ago, before that another 2 months. I’ve tried to address this multiple times and got nowhere. It is pretty much a taboo topic.

I’m increasingly feeling like I can’t see where our relationship/marriage is going. I want children but I can’t envision anymore how they would work in this relationship. He doesn’t view life that way, he very much lives in the moment. A while ago I wanted to start TTC and he was very much ‘let’s just not use contraception and see if it happens’ (unlikely, given how little we have sex…). I’ve now totally stopped talking about TTC, my head isn’t in right place, and he doesn’t seem to have even noticed - I don’t think his heart was ever really in it.

I did try to speak to him a few weeks ago about how unhappy I was but not sure the message really landed. I know I’m getting more and more distant, I can feel it.

But I love him, he’s my best friend, he’s done nothing wrong, and I don’t know if I’m just considering blowing up my entire life, because of my self hating feelings for what I did - and that maybe this isn’t even about our relationship, it’s just about me.

I’m a bit scared that if I leave him I’ll never have children and that I’ll grow to regret it. Leaving would also have huge life impacts - although we don’t have kids, we own a house, have dogs, are very entwined in each others family and friends etc. It’s difficult to imagine the alternative life.

I’ve talked to a friend and my mum a little bit about my feelings but (1) left out the OM part as I don’t want to give them that burden (2) haven’t said how bad it really is inside my head. I had a couple of one off therapy sessions straight after it happened (as my mental health absolutely fell off a cliff) but haven’t recently, I don’t know if this is what I need. My opinion of myself is absolutely rock bottom.

In general, I’m just deeply unhappy, and lost and don’t know where to turn.

Any thoughts welcome, particularly if non judgmental (I promise you - any bad things you are thinking about me - I also think them about myself).

I think you know the answer to this one. Time for a difficult conversation. You owe it to him to put him out of his misery.

Make sure you are using contraception, unless you are not planning to have any more sex with him, as it does just happen naturally.

Get more therapy and try to work out why you hate yourself so much, if you can.

If you could turn back time and rewrite the story of your life, where would you ideally be now?

You want different things. He wants cuddles on the sofa and thinking no further than the weekend, and you want sex and future plans, especially kids.

Even if you persuade him to have kids (he may well want them but in a vague way) you will never, ever fix the sex thing. Trust me.

You need to leave him. Even if he is lovely, there is something missing from your marriage. It happened to me. I married a ‘lovely man’ but the chemistry just wasn’t there. I was desperate for children and stayed with him. We only seemed to have sex around ovulation and, after the second one was born, I couldn’t go near him. The sexual chemistry wasn’t there. I knew it deep down but didn’t face up to it for many years.

Yes, another man made me wake up. And, my goodness, have I had regrets about not ending my marriage years ago. I became increasingly unhappy and started to realise what I was doing. He was nothing more than a friend.

You need to sit him down and talk to him. Don’t stay just to keep him happy. You’re young and hardly having any sex life or affection. You’ve already been with someone else. It’ll happen again. You need to take a charge of your own happiness and listen to what your gut instinct is telling you.

I don't understand why you think he has done nothing wrong?

He knows the lack of sex is an issue that he refuses to discuss. Surely you can see how wrong this is?

Leave now before you have children and the situation becomes infinitely worse.

And you're not a terrible person for having sex once with someone else. It was a mistake. It's finished. Don't say a word about it; it'll do no good for anyone.

He could be the most angelic man who never did anything wrong in his life. Doesn't mean he's the right man for you.
"No complaints" is really not the standard you should be aiming for in a relationship.

You can leave anyone for any reason.

I had a very similar situation, we were together ten years and married for 1.5 when I threw in the towel. I had been so miserable, I don't think I had fancied him for a while and it felt like we were just spinning our wheels, waiting for life to somehow 'start', except it never really did. We didn't communicate well, sex was boring and rare, I couldn't actually be bothered fixing things and neither could he. I think we only got married because it was the 'next' thing to do, and once we had we were like 'what now?' and the answer was... nothing. We also ttc'd but the sec was infrequent and he wouldn't commit to actually trying properly, so the whole thing was going nowhere.

I was 31 when we split up and 34 when I got married again to someone else. By 39 I had three children. I'm just saying this to show you that life can change very quickly if you actually do something about it!

I've never regretted leaving my first marriage for a single second, I'm so so lucky to have a lovely husband and my children and an actual life with someone who wants the same things as me. You may or may not have the same outcome, but do you want another 50 years of what you have now?

It's ok, I think you do just need to leave. You have a chance of happiness if you do. Stop beating yourself up and take the plunge - no need to waste any more time.

If you can’t talk to him, it’s not as close of a relationship as you’re telling yourself it is. If he’s an avoider, and you need to talk, and you’re not even sure it “landed” when you say something,
this is a fundamental disconnect. It sounds lonely.

do what you need to do. The affair was and is a problem, and shouldn’t be brushed under the rug, either. It’s time to really try to communicate , and let him have a day too. If he doesn’t want to talk at all, you may have to tell him this is his only chance, and if he absolutely won’t try to communicate and listen, I’m afraid you have your answer.

Before you cheated on him, how long were you unhappy for? I assume these feelings have been going back a while and than you've been burying them, hoping they would go away or things would improve.

I wasn’t really actively unhappy on a day to day basis at all before but the issues were very much still there so think I was a bit in denial.
Sex has been at this level for years (5+) and I’d raised it before at least 4-5 times, but I used to think of it more from the perspective of how would we ever TTC like this. I think the ONS made me realise that it was also really impacting my self esteem, but when I tried to point this issue to DH he would just say he still told me I looked good often (which - he does).
The lack of future planning has been an issue forever but I think the older I get the more it is bothering me.
However one of the things that scare me about leaving IS the fact that before this big event happened I wasn’t really having thoughts to myself about being unhappy so I don’t know if it’s just skewing everything….

The marriage is terminal. You are carrying all the burden of worrying about it, if he is not even prepared to discuss it. Personally, I’d bring the ONS secret to the grave with me. You’re clearly very unhappy, and it’s time to say ‘this is not working out.’

You weren't having thoughts about the negatives, or you weren't letting yourself have thoughts about the negatives?
Were you regularly thinking "I'm so glad I'm with X"?

I was very happy around our wedding (which obviously in the grand scheme of things wasn’t that long ago!) but again, looking back I wonder if I was caught up in the spectacle and excitement of it all. We have had lots of fun together this year (on holidays and stuff) but I think, if I’m honest, all year I was a little uneasy with one eye in the future/ when will we have kids/ why don’t we talk about this more openly… TTC has also always been a bit of a taboo topic which looking back now feels insane for a married couple in their 30s!

I feel like my age complicates everything!

Your age means you shouldn't hang around any more waiting to see whether he'll become actively keen on having children with you.
I had children with someone who basically just went along with my suggestion - he was marginally more enthusiastic than your guy sounds, but still turned around years later and said I'd "made" him have kids.
I wonder if this one wants to have children really. Does he tend to be a people pleaser? Tell little white lies to smooth things over?

Hi I hope you are ok you must be having a really tough time.

Ok so I think the main issue here is the lack of intimacy and his lack of communication around it.

My personal opinion is you should try sex therapy. You need to make him listen. I would if I were you give him an ultimatum ie I don't want the rest of my life to be sexless because that's what it is, less than once per month your way too young for this! Its his issue something like low tostesterone or psychological issue, but we women need to feel desired and wanted he's not meeting that need so he is doing something wrong. That's why you let your guard down and made the mistake because you have unmet needs.

If you love him you have to love him passionately for this to work, is it more like families love? My ex husband I loved him I was not in love with him. I have moved on it was so hard I have children with him I felt so guilty for so long but it was the right thing.

I'm now really happy married again to a man I'm crazy about. Life is too short to feel so unhappy. Seems to me you have felt this way for a while but never faced up to it until you've started questioning yourself to death about why the hell you would cheat. Don't do this to yourself your not a bad person I really believe if your husband was meeting your needs you wouldn't have cheated, not saying it's right but that's why it happened and in my opinion.

Do not have kids until all issues are resolved and he actively wants a family

But my advice is

A ) face it together admit it because if you don't you'll never move forward it will soil the marriage keeping such a secret and someone could tell him. if you really are in love with your husband and he agrees to work on his issues with intimacy and communication go to therapy and deal with the issues. If he can cope and loves you enough he will deal with the cheating and accept his part.

or

B walk away while your still young enough to start over and yes it's the hardest thing I've ever done but it's all been worthwhile.

Keep us posted xx

Hazard some caution. You could very easily find yourself in the dating merry go round in your mid 30s and no children. The grass might not be greener.

That sounds really difficult OP.

I will be honest I'm surprised at some people minimising the cheating. On that basis alone morally you should end the relationship in my opinion.

BUT. I get you. My circumstances are a bit different but, we have been together the same amount of time as you. The differences are we have 3 DC together and my partner has some chronic conditions which he is medicated for, so basically there are lots of mitigating circumstances rather than him "just" not putting in the effort and it's not just down to him (it's literally impossible to find the time with 3 DC and conflicting schedules). And yes. The lack of sex is frankly soul destroying and self esteem shattering.

We had a great sex life before DC and we have really good chemistry. But as time marches on the infrequency is growing. I remember being unhappy that it had gone down to once a week or so, which is now kind of laughable as the stretches keep growing and since we moved house in August, we've had sex about 3 times.

I love him so much, consider him my soul mate and the kids would be devastated so I can't see myself ever leaving but my god, sometimes the sheer panic that sets over me thinking I may go my entire existence on this earth only having sex a handful of times a year until it dwindles to nothing is just... overwhelming.

If you don't have DC, I would have one last try and making him really see how much the lack of intimacy is affecting you, and if he doesn't make efforts to change, and if it doesn't work I would leave.

It sounds superficial but I strongly believe that sex is the embodiment of romantic love, and intimacy is vital. Circumstances change but if it's been like this from the outset and you're so young, do you really want to commit to this forever?

you should tell your DH about your ONS.

At least give him the opportunity to decide if he wants to stay with you, he might take the decision out of your hands

Yep, totally get this - this is one of my huge fears! I’m not sure who exactly wants to date a woman in her mid 30s who wants children

Thank you for this, very kind and helpful.

If you love him you have to love him passionately for this to work, is it more like families love? My ex husband I loved him I was not in love with him

I’m not sure if maybe even this is the crux of it - I truly, truly love my husband, think he’s an amazing person and want him to be happy but I don’t know if over time this love has become more platonic

It can feel that way at times in any relationship it's like riding waves. You do have to take good with bad if it's been this way for a long time it's not good. But ask yourself do you fancy him. Do you want him etc you know the answer. Maybe seeing a therapist yourself will help. Me and my husband now have ups and downs but every time I look at him I think god he's gorgeous and I really do want and love him we just click. My ex husband is a nice guy I felt terrible divorcing him but I wasn't passionate and finally realised that wasn't fair to him or good enough to him either. X

This sounds very stressful OP, I'm sorry you're having so much pain over it all.

I also agree it sounds like the relationship is over. Yes there's no guarantee that you'll have kids if you leave but it doesn't sound like there's a guarantee if you stay either (and that's before the risk of any health issues etc)

I also think your DH deserves to know you slept with someone else. If the sexes were reversed here, you'd be seeing a lot more Messages saying the same. He may make a decision for you and he would be completely entitled to do so.

I hope things improve for you. Good luck

Agree I think unfortunately op you need to come clean and let fate take course here. Maybe that's why you did it subconsciously x