Aibu to be stressing about dating new guy/body issues

[Namechangeforareason23]

I'm dating a really nice guy after a very long time being single (almost 4yrs since I left my marriage of 15yrs).

I want to take things to the next level but I am feeling really nervous about my body, specifically my boobs. Now i know he will have his own insecurity, I have lost weight recently so am feeling good in my clothes. I'm not too bothered about my belly, stretch mark's etc I am 43 and gave had children so am not too hung up on that...its my boobs.
They really are awful! Fine in a bra, but really saggy when naked. I had a boob job in my 20s due to shape (tubular) which helped at the time....but after 3 pregnancies & breastfeed they are just as bad again
Also the right breast is slightly deformed (incapsulated) they really are ugly.

I pratice self compassion, try not to talk badly of myself, protray body confidence but there is just no denying they are ugly.
I have got some nice underwear but am scared what will happen when that comes off!!!
Surgery is not an option....I'm.not doing that to myself again. How can I come to terms with this?

Bumping....

I’m sad you haven’t had more replies to this post @Namechangeforareason23 because I’m sure this type of issue affects so many people.
Ive not been in your situation as I’ve been with the same DH for a very long time now, but I had liposuction 15 years ago and the result was not great. I’d be really self conscious too if I had to get naked with a new man.

Have you tried talking to him about your insecurities? Seems to me that this is the place to start. Let him know you want to move the relationship forward but this is holding you back. Hopefully he’ll respond in a positive reassuring way and you can take it slowly from there.

:)

I don't have experience of this but I have a friend with low confidence in the same way and she keeps her bra on when having sex.

Personally when I'm feeling a bit like this (I sometimes do about other parts of my body, not often but it happens for sure) I dim the lights right down.

You could get a soft lacy lounge bra that is comfy to keep wearing overnight - it wouldn't be forever, just till you feel confident when you've got to know him better?

I have voted YABU. No because your boobs are sagy or your think they are saggy. I have voted YABU because off all you have been through in this life you seems to focus on that tiny little thing to make yourself insecure. that is a big no, no.
Go for it girl, and do not think more about it. You are much more that a single feature of your body.

Maybe keep your bra on or wear a cami (or something pretty/sexy according to your tastes) until you feel more comfortable with him.

I had the same issue after kids and bf and divorce. I was adamant he wasn't seeing them but when the time came it just felt okay I had spoken to him before about it he had asked if it was okay to try remove bra one time if it felt okay and tbh I was getting ill with the anxiety at the thought but tbf the first time it just felt right and okay and never looked back since. All the stress was in the lead up

Failing it feeling 'okay to let them free ' I would mirror everyone else wear something that makes you feel sexy and comfy

I've got the opposite problem, I've got no boobs. What I've found is that as long as guys are getting some action, they really don't give a shit. You'll care WAY more than they do. After being single a while I've realised it's a non issue. Be brave, give it a go, and I'll bet his reaction isn't anything like what you think.

Just here to offer sympathy as I’m in a similar boat though no new man yet, but similar age and so afraid a man will be put off. I keep looking at surgery, not for the theoretical future man, but so that I feel
confide myself and can enjoy a potential future man! but it feels so drastic.
So I don’t know. I keep trying to tell myself it will be ok but I know objectively they aren’t attractive.
@thatwassociopathic your post is v reassuring as that’s my problem, only add stupid stretched out nipples from bf my children.

I think wearing something you feel sexy in is a fantastic idea.

Also, sex is so much more than bodies, you know? Your connection and who you are is the real turn on. 💝

I agree with this, take your time and don't rush.

If he loves you he will stay arround till you feel safe, cherished and desirable.

Keep your bra on and tell him you feel more comfortable if he doesnt touch them and that you would want to keep them covered as your surgery has caused issues and deformity. Tell him you will relax and enjoy sex better if your bra stays on and hope he understands and respect your feelings. If he pushes against this dump him.

I've always been body confident in the bedroom (and not because my body is like a supermodel's far from it) BUT due to age my boobs no longer stay where I might wish them to when sleeping or having sex and it can be annoying and uncomfortable. So I wear a soft sleep bra - sometimes I take it off or partially off depending what we're up to, sometimes not. Maybe frame it this way in your head, that this is normal and it's up to you what works for you? Agree with all the other helpful suggestions on the thread too.

There are some really supportive non-wired size-specific bralettes now. I found one in Bravissimo, couldn't believe it, perfec fit. I keep it for special occasions ;) But a new matching set (just by colour doesn't need to be an actual set) of soft sleep bra and pants in bright white or black can be as sexy as something fancier, or so I'm told 😌

He honestly won't care, and if he does then he's not a nice guy. I felt so paranoid after I left my ex because I've had 3 kids and have a mum tum. I've never had a man not want to sleep with me over it though. Real men understand women's bodies aren't perfect, their bodies aren't perfect either. I've slept with body builders and even they have their flaws. Let loose and enjoy yourself.

I don't think you need to worry. Most men are decent human beings and won't bat an eyelid at your less than perfect (in your eyes) boobs. He may be equally concerned about some aspects of his own body. Treat yourself to some gorgeous nightwear and relax.

Just came back because I've remembered something- dh's best mate, who is a man, actually keeps his t shirt on during intimacy because he's embarrassed about being overweight (I know this because I used to be good friends with his ex before they broke up and she confided in me for advice... nb I've never told anyone about it inc dh).

He's not particularly overweight either, I guess he's just got a bee in his bonnet about it as people do sometimes.

So, just to make you feel better, it's not just women who can feel this way. Your new bf might have his own hangups, as you said in the op

Try something like this and say you’d prefer to keep it on.

https://www.bluebella.com/products/thalia-open-bra-black?fo_c=293&fo_k=ccdaecc5e7e7c5d38b4878d5c8bb8116&fo_s=awin&awc=6756_1694307904_57a9f40bac29766b7bfb3671c2c1ea5b&utm_source=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.stylight.com&utmmedium=affiliates&utmcontent=awin&utmcampaign=aw&styProdUuid=f6a49aa4-f0aa-54c4-b66b-ad441311ccb7&styCampaignId=17120&stySource=7&gadsource=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI46LYyKVggMVTOTtCh0wrwaXEAQYASABEgKo6vDBwE

I also agree with others men who are good at satisfying you sexually are the ones that are completely intimate with you in the moment I don’t like my boobs so I always wear stuff like this.

Agree with others about trying not to let it bother you. If he cares about you, he will accept you as you are. If he doesn't accept it, he doesn't care and you should bin him off.

I've ended my 20+ year relationship this year. I'm also 43 and feeling very overwhelmed at the thought of sex with someone new. But I'm not going to rush into it until I'm happy with someone.

Thank you all for the replies I read each & every one.
Just wanted to come back with an update...did the deed Friday night and I decided to be confident....bra off, on top absolutely no issues! They are not my best asset sure....but I'm giving up worrying/talking badly to myself about them. (Well.im trying!) I am more than my boobs.

Anyway if anybody was reading in a similar situation I just wanted to say we dtd 3 times so I don't think he was put off in the slightest!

Glad you had fun 😁

Yay well done OP!