How do I approach her again?

Hayleybloomer · 2023-11-20T11:43:54+00:00

Just need some advice on something that's been on my mind for a while. About 2.5 years ago my DD (3.5 at the time) became friends with another girl of similar age. I got to talk to her mum and we became friends and had loads of playdates over a few months, usually meeting at playgrounds. After a few months I asked her to come over to our house with her DH and to meet my DH. They stayed for about 3 hours and my DH (stbx) had no interest in chatting to my friend's DH, all he did was creeping at her (it wasn't the first time he was doing it, but I thought he'd have some decency in front of my friend - his behaviour is the reason our relationship broke). She obviously saw it, I saw it too, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt once again. I invited them again a few weeks later and I could see it again and after this time she never contacted me again. I stop contacting her out of embarrassment so we've never seen each other for 2 years now (she used to text me all the time). DD asks occasionally why we never met her friend again and I always say we are too busy. My relationship with DH completely fell apart as I realised he'll never change. Of course he never admitted to doing anything wrong, of course I'm insane and all the rest. I'd like to meet this friend again and tell her I know why she's not been in touch. I'd like to tell her he's doing it with everyone and I'm fully aware of his behaviour. And I'd like her to know we can be friends again and this creep is leaving my life. How do I get in touch with her after 2 years of not talking or seeing each other?

Namechange666 · 20/11/2023 11:47

There is a saying that sometimes let sleeping dogs lie....

I think this is one of those moments.

It's not your fault your husband was a massive letch but I don't think I would have invited her around for a second time after what happened the first. But it sounds like your boundaries are stronger now you're getting rid of him.

It might be too uncomfortable for her if you bring it up again and remind her of it all. After all, it has been 2 years.

Original poster

Hayleybloomer · 20/11/2023 11:52

Namechange666 · 20/11/2023 11:47

There is a saying that sometimes let sleeping dogs lie....

I think this is one of those moments.

It's not your fault your husband was a massive letch but I don't think I would have invited her around for a second time after what happened the first. But it sounds like your boundaries are stronger now you're getting rid of him.

It might be too uncomfortable for her if you bring it up again and remind her of it all. After all, it has been 2 years.

I agree with what you are saying and I never thought I'd want to get in touch with her again.

But it's been bugging me for the last 3, 4 months, not sure why.

My weekends and holidays have been quite lonely tbh as I haven't invited anyone round for all these years and not accepted invitations due to his behaviour so I've lost lots of friends/potential friends.

OP posts:

Whataretheodds · 20/11/2023 11:59

I think you can definitely get in touch to apologise for his behaviour and let her know that you have split up as a result of the type of behaviour that she witnessed/had to put up with. (have you? Not quite clear).

However you can't expect that she will want to meet up again (certainly not if you're still with him). She might, she might not.

If you're lonely there are lots of steps to address that but this woman isn't the answer to your loneliness.
Have you joined any local mum groups? Any hobbies you do by yourself?
Aim should be to get out and about with other people while doing something you enjoy/find interesting or satisfying, and not expect solid friendships to form immediately.

Thewondererhasreturned · 20/11/2023 12:15

I would just say something like hi ... I know it has been a while sorry to have lost contact but so much has happened I have separated from my husband and it took me a while to come to terms with things but im much better now. Anyway dd has been asking to see ... it would be lovely to have a catch up I hope your keeping well.
Mainly you need to emphasize that you've separated from your husband so she feels comfortable meeting you. I feel like id in the first message you say sorry about this behabiour she will feel awkward knowing you seen it too. This could be discussed later on like I even thought I seen him looking at you im so sorry if this was the case it has been hard for me to accept. She will understand OP. Lastly well done for having the strength to trust your gut and leave that man who showed you no respect. I hope things are looking up for you x

Original poster

Hayleybloomer · 20/11/2023 12:17

Thewondererhasreturned · 20/11/2023 12:15

I would just say something like hi ... I know it has been a while sorry to have lost contact but so much has happened I have separated from my husband and it took me a while to come to terms with things but im much better now. Anyway dd has been asking to see ... it would be lovely to have a catch up I hope your keeping well.
Mainly you need to emphasize that you've separated from your husband so she feels comfortable meeting you. I feel like id in the first message you say sorry about this behabiour she will feel awkward knowing you seen it too. This could be discussed later on like I even thought I seen him looking at you im so sorry if this was the case it has been hard for me to accept. She will understand OP. Lastly well done for having the strength to trust your gut and leave that man who showed you no respect. I hope things are looking up for you x

Thank you for your advice, I was thinking to say something along those lines too.
Last thing I was it to make her feel uncomfortable.

OP posts:

NotLactoseFree · 20/11/2023 12:17

@Thewondererhasreturned has a good suggestion I think. It sounds like she didn't completely blank you - you were mortified so stopped reaching out too.

I think a honest, albeit short, summary of the fact that you've been quiet, dealing with breaking up with a dickehad of an ex and would love to reconnect is just fine.

Original poster

Hayleybloomer · 20/11/2023 12:31

Whataretheodds · 20/11/2023 11:59

I think you can definitely get in touch to apologise for his behaviour and let her know that you have split up as a result of the type of behaviour that she witnessed/had to put up with. (have you? Not quite clear).

However you can't expect that she will want to meet up again (certainly not if you're still with him). She might, she might not.

If you're lonely there are lots of steps to address that but this woman isn't the answer to your loneliness.
Have you joined any local mum groups? Any hobbies you do by yourself?
Aim should be to get out and about with other people while doing something you enjoy/find interesting or satisfying, and not expect solid friendships to form immediately.

Thank you.

No, this woman is not the answer to my loneliness, totally aware of that. But I thought it would be a step forward in terms of starting to open up to people about my situation and perhaps, why not, gain a friend.

Not quite sure how I'll feel seeing her again.

OP posts:

Thisisworsethananticpated · 20/11/2023 12:41

Yeah I think a simple and apologetic update is appropriate

also she might have unfairly taken some flak from her husband for this

rebuilding takes time xx but it does happen and I agree that wider circle and hobbies and things is needed overall

longtompot · 20/11/2023 13:37

Thewondererhasreturned · 20/11/2023 12:15

I would just say something like hi ... I know it has been a while sorry to have lost contact but so much has happened I have separated from my husband and it took me a while to come to terms with things but im much better now. Anyway dd has been asking to see ... it would be lovely to have a catch up I hope your keeping well.
Mainly you need to emphasize that you've separated from your husband so she feels comfortable meeting you. I feel like id in the first message you say sorry about this behabiour she will feel awkward knowing you seen it too. This could be discussed later on like I even thought I seen him looking at you im so sorry if this was the case it has been hard for me to accept. She will understand OP. Lastly well done for having the strength to trust your gut and leave that man who showed you no respect. I hope things are looking up for you x

I think this is the best way to reopen the friendship is this way, and I wouldn't apologise for his behaviour. If she asks you about it then I'd talk about it, but it's all on him and not you.

Original poster

Hayleybloomer · 21/11/2023 12:23

Thank you everyone. I'm glad to hear it's not completely crazy of me to open the communication again.

No, she didn't blank me completely as I didn't reach out to her either. It's just that before this she'd contact me a lot more than I did and then suddenly stopped.

I remember posting on MN about 2 years ago, under a different username, asking for advice re the first time she came to our house and how I noticed something but couldn't put my finger on it. A lot of people advised I should invite her again and see how things go, which I did and then she disappeared. So obviously I wasn't overreacting.

OP posts:

Catandsquirrel · 21/11/2023 18:49

Once you've had chance to process the breakup I would suggest getting in touch with her as others have said, making clear that you've split up with your ex. She may not be receptive, so make sure you're robust enough to take that on the chin if it happens but why not put yourself back out there if he has isolated you with his behaviour?

If she does pick things up I would maybe briefly acknowledge his actions to her plus your embarrassment to draw a line under that episode and any discomfort caused.

OceanicBoundlessness · 21/11/2023 19:46

I think I'd just do a chatty been thinking about you, can't believe it's been nearly two years, so much as changed for me in that time including my relationship ending. Dd had been asking about her dd and it would be lovely to catch up if she fancies it.