I think I’m not capable of being likeable/loveable.

[CutiePatooties]

Do you think some people just aren’t capable of being liked/loved no matter what they do?

All of my relationships have been shocking. Abusive, mistreatment, walked all over, cheated on, used for money or to fill time until the next best thing comes along. That’s just standard for me. I have come to accept this in a partnership with someone, so I’m not really bothered by the lack of a loving relationship with my husband day-to-day. It only really is a problem every now and then when I remind myself that I’ve never been loved in a romantic sense.

My mum has always had her favourites and I’ve never been one of them. The best way I’ve found for me to cope with this, was to cut off the favourites (a couple of my siblings) and this has really helped. My relationship with my mum is better but it means I don’t have a relationship with my only sister and this is hard sometimes. Plus I can’t always avoid having it thrown in my face that my mum will always love them more. For instance, when I had to go to hospital as I was bleeding whilst I was 20 weeks pregnant, my mum didn’t want to come with me despite me crying down the phone asking her, because my sister was having a party over the festive period and she didn’t want to miss it. It’s been a whole life of never feeling or being good enough and no matter what my problem, it’s never been as important as what’s going on with someone else.

At work people aren’t very receptive towards me. They’ll be helpful, welcoming, supportive with others, but it’s pretty much like I don’t exist. I’m just invisible at work really. Sometimes when I speak, I can see others are visibly annoyed by me talking and they then either make a dig or ignore me. When I sit in the staffroom, most will sit as far away from me as possible. There’s only one person who ever sits next to me if she sees me. I wish I didn’t pick up on these things, but I do and it hurts.

I have no friends, so I signed up to a meet up group on Facebook, for people in my area. I asked which pub was best to go to and said I’d be coming this week as I now have some money to come along and no one replied to me. In fact, a guy started up a whole different conversation, again, like I was invisible. I left the group.

I don’t know what to do, but I do know I’m the common denominator so I 100% need to change. I keep thinking it’s how I look - I’ve been observing the likeable people and they are pleasant to look at, have a sense of style and confidence about them. People who I know who have found love are good looking, successful people. Perhaps I should do a complete overhaul with my looks and see if that changes things?

I don’t know what the answer is, but it really gets me down. I wonder sometimes what’s the point in being here if I’m just in everyone’s way and no one really wants me around. Most of the time I keep myself to myself and I can manage without showing that it gets to me. On certain weeks I really focus on it and I go into a downward spiral, just questioning the point of my own existence. I’m waiting for my mood to lift again, but whilst I’m in this state, it is rough. The hardest part is not knowing when I will come back out of it, but I am feeling really low and all I want to do is eat or sleep the days away (I can’t, as I have an 18 month old and work 2 days a week). I would if I could, though. The days are long and pointless and I’m exhausted from existing at this point.

I was supposed to get a colonoscopy done, as I have blood in my stool and they found inflammation biomarkers meaning my bowel is inflamed. I cancelled it, as I don’t really care what happens to me any more and someone more worthy of being checked out should be checked over me. I do wish I wasn’t here, sometimes I even dream about not being here and then I wake up and realise I’ve got to go through this crap for another day.

Will it always be like this, or do you think you can go from being unlikeable to likeable/loveable? If so, I’d like some tips because I can’t keep going on like this.

You need to talk to a therapist who can help you get over the traumas which have shaped your thinking and are affecting how you see yourself - including your relationship with your mother, and the abusive relationships that has lead you to in your adult life. And first, see your GP, to help with the likely depression this has caused you, and the current lowness of your mood. Therapy will work better if you are in a better place to engage and be receptive to it.

It’s a cliche, but only because it’s true: you have to love yourself first. If you think so little of yourself, you are projecting that outwards and it’s colouring all your interactions with other people. None of what you describe is to do with how you look or what you do. You need to get comfortable with being the wonderful, unique, valuable person you are, and then suddenly you will find the world looks different to you.

Start today by showing yourself that you are valuable, and rebook that colonoscopy. You ARE worth it. Book a GP appointment - be honest about how low you are, and that you need their help. Then look at the BACP register and find yourself a therapist. Try several if you need to, until you find one you can connect with. But please do it.

I've felt like this for much of my life. I had cognitive analytical therapy (CAT) which looks at patterns of thinking stemming from childhood. After other therapies on and off for years it changed my life, I would highly recommend it.

Rebook that colonoscopy. I totally get the feelings of not wanting to be here and neglecting your health because of it, but my friend has stage 4 bowel cancer and it's not the way you want to go.

You aren't unlikable or unlovable, you had an emotionally abusive upbringing so have low self esteem as an adult so attract men who pray on the vulnerable because thats where they get their kicks.

The low self esteem will impact your experiences with friendships and work relations, possibly because you give off a standoffish vibe or you perceive slights where there were none

1. Go back to the Drs for your medical procedures and explore options for therapy

2. Accept the parents and family relationships you have - they aren't going to change their behaviour. Decide whether they benefit you having them in your life or cut them out of it

3. Possibly get a cat/dog if your life style allows they do wonders for feeling loved.

4. Enrol yourself in a hobby group to start helping you make friends - it doesn't necessarily come easily expect it to take at least 6 months of committed turning up to be accepted into the fold so it's clear you are going to stick around. Something like rambling or green gym and conservation work would be good as you'll be physically active and releasing endorphins at the same time which will improve your mood.

Yes, you need to prioritise yourself, and regard yourself as important, and other people will take the lead on that. Self-love starts good relationships.

THIS.
OP, sending you much love.

What area are you from? As well as taking on board the wonderful advice from PP, you may find some meet ups on here too.
It's hard, when you're in that place, everyone journey is different so I don't see there's any right direction, it can take trying different things to claw your way back to the surface.

I do know one person who loves you, who thinks your beautiful and the best person who ever existed - your child. Please keep going.

Thank you, everyone. Your replies are so lovely and mean a lot. I think it’s hard to grow up being rejected by your own mother and then all through adulthood I’ve just been constantly rejected by men in relationships, friends haven’t stuck around for long and then at work it really stands out - as I just stay indoors every other time and don’t socialise, so I only have the opportunity to get rejected at work and it happens constantly. Sometimes I wonder if I should just quit work and stay at home full time, as then I wouldn’t be opening myself up to rejection, but that wouldn’t be great for us financially and would probably make my mental health worse.
I might try another group or pick up a new hobby, but I am a bit scared about being ignored again. Sounds immature, I know!

After reading your messages, I booked in the blood tests I need to have before the colonoscopy. Hopefully I stick to my appointment and don’t cancel it. I keep thinking I’d be selfish if something happened to me that meant I had to leave my girls behind, but it is hard to take care of myself when deep down I don’t really want to be here. Thank you for your help. I do feel better having people to talk to, as I say, 99% of the time I’m invisible so it was nice to feel seen coming on here.

I really do understand that feeling of being rejected by everyone and/or invisible. There just isn’t this solid base that says ‘you’re ok, you’re fine, you’re loved’. So I think we go out into the world looking for that reassurance, hyper focusing on whether or not our interactions confirm or deny it to be the case. I’m pretty sure most people get rejected and ignored fairly regularly but for us the stakes are much higher.

I’m so glad you’ve booked the blood tests. I hope you’ll consider booking some therapy too to try to help you unpick this stuff.

Get professional help, counselling or psychotherapy. I’m the mean time treat yourself to a few small things you like, enjoy them in your living space.

Just from reading your thread title, I knew you would have a bad relationship with your mother 😞. There are some great ideas on this thread and I hope they help you.

In a way though the people here saying oh it's you projecting your lack of self-love, that's why people reject you - nonsense in my opinion a bit victim blaming. There are enough threads about queen bees and how some people are just charismatic and some just aren't. Thing is, you do need to find your tribe, one good friend, one good partner, then you would feel loved I think. I do think there are people out there who suit us all.

I wondered about your relationship with your sister. Is she a good person? I wondered why, if you miss her why you don't drop your mum and have your sister in your life instead?

What type of work environment do you work in?

The only time I have struggled with a colleague is when they haven't looked after their personal hygiene and I'm quite sensitive to smell so haven't wanted to sit near them. You mentioned several comments that suggest depression so are you taking care of yourself?

I also had a colleague who clearly had long standing struggles with their self esteem and from what she said she had a pretty toxic homelife, and everything that came out of her mouth was negative and whenever she spoke she completely pulled down the mood and completely changed the culture which was ordinarily very supportive but she was never willing to try things to improve the situation. I had my own challenges at the time and just ended up avoiding her.

Some really good things to take on board here, thank you.

@AntonFeckoff you’ve articulated how I live my life, so well! You’ve even enlightened me a bit, as I didn’t fully realise that this is what I was doing but I am 100% doing that and you’re right, I do need professional help to unpick it.

@Singleandproud I don’t bring the mood down at work, as I’m not close enough to anyone in order to share anything with them. I do wash before I go to work, brush my teeth and spray deodorant and perfume but that’s only on the days I’m working. I do usually look scruffy though, as I just run a brush through my hair but that’s in bad condition so knots easily and my clothes are rubbish and unflattering as I’ve gained a lot of weight but don’t have the money to buy new clothes and don’t see the point in trying to look nice anyway. So the scruffy image certainly will not help. I’m thinking I probably do give off a neediness vibe as well. As @AntonFeckoff stated, I do seek validation/confirmation from people and that can be quite tiring for people to have to deal with I suppose. It doesn’t explain why people ignored me in a group chat for a local meet up though. I only asked which pub was best to go to! I do feel like there’s just something that puts people off. Like I give off a bad vibe or something. Then again, they might have seen my profile pic and thought ‘no thank you!’

It doesn’t explain why people ignored me in a group chat for a local meet up though. I only asked which pub was best to go to!

Again I totally get this. I’m not sure of the context but is it possible that rather than it being about rejecting you, it was that no one wanted to be the one to say which pub? Or were on the fence about going so didn’t suggest anything? Correct me if I’m wrong but my understanding is that you hadn’t actually met these people or interacted with them much so it’s hard to imagine it could be about you.

Years ago I joined a running club. Everyone seemed to partner up, running in twos and chatting. No one ran with me and I felt awful. I went back a few more times but found it really difficult to get chatting to anyone, so I took it as evidence of me being unlikeable and invisible and quit. But the realty is that it was a close-knit established group where they all knew each other and just did what they’d always done, pair up with people they wanted to catch up with. If I’d stuck it out longer I probably could have forged some friendships out of it.

I’m in a number of WhatsApp groups for various things and whenever we get a new member, I go out of my way to make them feel welcome and include them in the conversation because I know what it’s like to be the newcomer and feel overlooked. Some people just don’t operate on that wavelength but it’s not personal.

Have you considered starting your own group?

Ok, well weight you can absolutely do something about, at home for free. Plenty of free fitness videos on line, even Zumba type ones will get you moving. You'll release some endorphins and that will help your mood too.

Hair - do you have anyone who will be buying you presents are can you save up for a hair cut, even if you just get a wet cut and style it at home and get something easier to manage. If you aren't comfortable at the hairdresser's many are becoming understanding of clients needs you can book a first or last appointment so there are less people there.

A silky pillow case will also reduce the knots and can be bought from Amazon for a couple of £.

I dont go for the full face of make up or posh hair styling, some moisturiser, mascara, vaseline for lips and run straighteners through my hair. I WFH so on days when I know I won't be leaving the house I don't bother and I definitely feel a bit scruffy and rubbish.

There are some very small things that might start building your self esteem, once you get going it becomes a new habit and becomes more effortless.

With the meet up, maybe join a pre-arranged meeting rather than trying to start your own when people don't know you yet. These things are rarely about you - people are just stuck in their own worlds or in their own habits and when you are new you really have to stick things out for at least 6 months - until you aren't the newest member and are more part of the furniture.

@AntonFeckoff I might start my own group actually! It’s worth trying something new and getting out of this rut I’m in.

I am exhausted by how I am with everything though. I’m in a WhatsApp group for work and they had people come in to observe them today but I’m off, so I wished them all good luck and told them how amazing they are and that they’ll do a smashing job and only my boss responded to it.

Then the boss has put the feedback on there and everyone has responded to it, so I know they’ve been on and my head goes straight to, ‘well they were happy to ignore me when I was complimenting them and wishing them well, so I won’t bother next time.’ I’m sure most wouldn’t even register it, yet here I am wondering again, why I’m invisible. Definitely need help, as I can’t constantly over analyse why people do what they do and equally, people shouldn’t have to think about how they act/react around me. I don’t want to be hard work. I’ve looked for professionals online but there are so many - how do I know they’re legit? I don’t want to pay something like £70 an hour for someone who isn’t qualified 😬

They might not have replied but I bet some of them really appreciated your message

I’ve looked for professionals online but there are so many - how do I know they’re legit? I don’t want to pay something like £70 an hour for someone who isn’t qualified 😬

You can use something like the BPS or BCAP directories. You can also look at the Psychology Today directory. When I had CAT it was with a psychologist.

Just a bit of an update - I’ve found a counsellor and will start weekly sessions from next week 😊 they’re £28 for 50 minutes and I’ve checked she’s registered/qualified so I’m very happy!

I’ve asked to go on medication to try and lift my mood to see if this helps.

I do think I’ll always be the odd one out and I’ll never really fit in. I went out to a Christmas work party last night and my colleagues were really going for it with the dance moves and half way through the song, when I got on the dance floor, two of my colleagues walked off. I definitely have to sort out why I’m irritating people and hopefully the counsellor can help me unpick that.

Cause and effect. You are constantly looking for evidence that people don't like you. You get on the dance floor and 2 people leave - it must be you. Someone else gets on the dance floor and 2 people leave, they carry on dancing with the rest still there and assume the other 2 wanted a rest.
Not sure how Facebook meetups goes, but you could try the meetup app and join a social or hobby group related to what you like doing. They already have leaders who have organised an event. It sounds like not knowing anyone on the group, you immediately thought that all you had to do is say to a bunch of strangers that you'd be in x pub at a certain time and lots of people would join in. That's not IME how meets go, its better to join one that someone else is doing as a newbie, until you get to know people from prior meets. Also possibly tmi to say "I can come out now as I have some money". It's stating the obvious as who would be out unless they had the money? It's also saying from the off 'I can't sometimes afford to go out', which is oversharing and comes acrossas an odd thing to say.
Perhaps your social awareness needs some work in conjunction with a counsellor.
There are things that people generally know what not to say and what not to say and when it's appropriate socially. If you've always struggled with that and feel you say the wrong things sometimes, it could be down to undiagnosed ASD, or ADHD? The counsellor might be able to unpick that too.

Hi,
I don't know why you're blaming yourself as if you have direct power to make people be silent and not respond to you or to walk off a dance floor.
People make choices for a myriad of reasons, a lot of them are nothing to do with others but whatever is going on in their own lives and minds at that particular time! As a pp said, there are many times we all face rejection, if you're in a good place mentally then you can brush it off better. I'm quite sensitive to this too so I do understand where you're coming from.

All you can do is work on loving yourself and taking care of yourself. Don't overthink about who replies to you and who doesn't. Work on cultivating relationships that are meaningful, I wonder if you think it would be a good idea to try and reconnect with your sister? Just an idea.

Well done on getting the counselling booked btw, it will really help you God willing! :)

Take care of yourself, you're important and valued. Boo to those who don't see it! Don't let yourself be one of those people!

@Opentooffers I always say the wrong thing and always overshare. It’s actually getting worse as I get older, as during my early twenties I was very much a social butterfly and don’t get me wrong, I still said the wrong thing and annoyed people at times, but generally I had a good social life and a handful of close friends. I went out with them often etc. I now have no social life and if I have to speak to someone about anything it always turns awkward. I asked for a referral for ASD and ADHD but I’m waiting to hear back from my GP. I’m not sure what would stop me from being socially inept? Will my counsellor help with that?

To be clear though, I didn’t create the group and just ask people to meet up with me. There’s already a group, a guy had been asking us all to meet him every Sunday he’d ask us to meet him at x pub at 12. He moaned and said only 2 people have turned up over the weeks, so I said I now have money so I can come this week (to let him know why I hadn’t been beforehand) and asked which pub was the best to go to (2 other people have met up with him, so was directed at those 3 really). I got no response, so came off.

OP, don't forget you are everything to that little 18 month old. Sending my love x

@ssunflowers ah thank you! I also have a 7 year old and I know I’m lucky ☺️ should be thinking about how much they love me and should stop trying to seek validation from others. Thank you for your kind words x

OP, thinking of your DDs (how you want them to act and let people treat them when they grow up) when you interact with people might help. Good luck with everything!

I agree with others that you are most likely "over noticing" negative interactions. A large proportion of social interactions fall flat for all sorts of reasons. Socially confident people will give themselves and others the benefit of the doubt and make light of that and push on past it. But they also cast their social net widely, and know when to step back a bit after a negative interaction and put their effort into something else.

Continuously making those assessments "this person's probably not replied because they're busy, they're a good friend" Vs "this person doesn't value me" is really nuanced and complex. If your own parent treated you badly, then it skews your judgement and makes it harder to do that instictively.

Is your workplace quite cliquey? It might be that you're stuck outside of the cliques there, sometimes you can just get in a cycle with a certain group of people where something doesn't fit, it doesn't mean that's anything wrong with you.

I'm interested that you choose to keep a relationship with the parent who shows favouritism, but cut out your sister. I might consider doing the opposite - your parent is the one trading you badly, they don't deserve a relationship with you.

@MMMarmite sorry I know you replied days ago, but I’ve been quite low recently.

I’ve been finding work increasingly difficult and you’re right there is a clique that I’m just not a part of. We were getting things ready for the day and my line manager was short and snappy with me - I tried to take advice on here and not take it personally, just assume she’s stressed or something similar. However, when others spoke to her directly after me, she was all smiles and offering help with things. Then later on, her line manager spoke down to me in front of other staff members and embarrassed/undermined me. I ended up crying to my line manager saying I think I should just leave my job (although I was quite upset at being spoken to like crap in front of colleagues).

I went home, tried to focus on getting extra bits done for work (3 hours sat at the computer) came in the next morning trying to be positive and she said to me, ‘good morning, have you given any more thought into leaving?’ So I said, ‘yeah, it’s probably for the best’ and she walked off. This really upset me. I know I read into everything negatively and I do appreciate your advice, but surely if I was welcomed/wanted/valued at work, she would have asked for a conversation and asked what’s wrong/can they offer any support/have I thought more about what I mentioned the day before etc, I don’t know… I think a conversation that’s supportive would have been what would have happened had they wanted to keep me there.

She didn’t care at all about me leaving and almost just wanted to doubly confirm that I still wanted to leave. This did effect me a lot so I walked out and got my DH to phone work to say I wasn’t going to be in and I’ll be looking towards being signed off and will most likely hand in my notice.

I did sign up for counselling but they took my money and never called me 🙄 so I tried someone else and she phoned me today for a free initial chat. She seems knowledgeable when it comes to my disorder and my first session with her will be on Wednesday. I’m going to need all the help I can get, now I have no job to go back to. I do feel like I should stay at home forever and just hide myself away, as I really just don’t seem to belong anywhere!

So, so sorry for all these ‘pity me’ posts! I just have to let it out somewhere I think. At least I’ll have a professional to speak to going forward, so that’s a positive.