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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Asked for divorce but husband devastated, not sure what to do

17 replies

Amyjoyjoy · 20/11/2023 09:37

We have been unhappy for years now. We've tried lots of different things, open communication, at home counselling, making an effort with dates etc. but I just feel so miserable within our relationship. I had a bit of a breakdown earlier in the year and overhauled my whole life, my health, my career, my social life but I've realised this is not what I want anymore. We don't have any fun, I dread when he comes home but am so happy alone at home with the kids. He is very low and is a people pleaser, constantly trying to make everyone else happy but diminishing himself and getting angry and resentful with everyone if it doesn't turn out how he'd like. When I told him I was unhappy and think it's the end of the road he was devastated and said he would die if he didn't have me and the kids. This is sensitive as my dad committed suicide a few years after my mom left him. I don't want the same for my kids.
I just don't know how to move forward protecting his mental health. I've agreed to counselling if only to help us through the separation and help him work through it. But already it's agony living alongside each other in this state. Any advice on others who've got through this and helped their husband through it would be great. I want above all else to do this together and understanding each other especially for our children. Thanks in advance

OP posts:
Moviemadnesss · 20/11/2023 09:43

Hi OP, I'm so sorry, this sounds so hard. I would say firstly that it's not your job to protect his mental health. That sounds harsh but is true. You can do your best to be kind etc but you can't stay just because you're worried about his reaction.

Sadly this may mean you can't do it 'together' - as you can't control his behaviour. But you can control yours. FWIW I think it's manipulative and ultimately cruel for him to say that to you, particularly considering what happened with your father.

If it's 'agony' living together that is no good for the kids as I'm sure you know - can you move out if he won't (making sure you are protecting yourself legally of course)? I haven't been through this exact situation but have left an unhappy marriage and would simply say it is very hard but worth it.

Goinoutalone · 20/11/2023 09:46

The first step is realising that you can only support him as much as you can support yourself. And if you aren’t doing well yourself then that’s not a lot. Also it might be worth asking him why his MH is more important than yours? One of you is unhappy either way…why does he get to trump you. But mostly you have to realise that YOU are NOT responsible for how he reacts to and deals with his feelings.

user1492757084 · 20/11/2023 09:55

Seek professional advice.
You both need to proceed with kindness.

Happiertobe · 20/11/2023 14:15

Hi I have filed for divorce and want some advice on who else is going through and how yr dealing with it. I was married to a narcissist and he’s being difficult!

Moviemadnesss · 20/11/2023 15:30

Hi @Happiertobe probably best to start your own thread

LimeOrangeLemon · 20/11/2023 15:37

OP, I can completely understand that what happened to your parents will make this harder for you. But remember that you are not responsible for his mental health.

Amyjoyjoy · 20/11/2023 15:53

Moviemadnesss · 20/11/2023 09:43

Hi OP, I'm so sorry, this sounds so hard. I would say firstly that it's not your job to protect his mental health. That sounds harsh but is true. You can do your best to be kind etc but you can't stay just because you're worried about his reaction.

Sadly this may mean you can't do it 'together' - as you can't control his behaviour. But you can control yours. FWIW I think it's manipulative and ultimately cruel for him to say that to you, particularly considering what happened with your father.

If it's 'agony' living together that is no good for the kids as I'm sure you know - can you move out if he won't (making sure you are protecting yourself legally of course)? I haven't been through this exact situation but have left an unhappy marriage and would simply say it is very hard but worth it.

Thank you so much for replying. It's not an option for me to move out. Unfortunately I am on a significantly lower wage and work part time whilst studying at college so no option to go full time either. I am confident I can survive financially once we sell our house as i have a lot of equity but was hoping to work together to get to that point.
I know what you are saying about not being responsible ultimately but having been through it in the past, it's very hard to live with if someone does do the worst.
It did cross my mind that it was inappropriate to say considering my history but I put it down to not thinking straight. Maybe I'm being too generous? I do tend to err on thinking the best of people.
Maybe it's just time? He'll start coming to terms with it.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 20/11/2023 15:54

Well that was a horribly emotionally manipulative thing for him to say. Which, I suspect, is why he said it. Did you know that it's a common abuse tactic to threaten suicide when partners want to break up?

I'm not sure if abuse has been present in other forms in your relationship but it's potentially threatening to be now.

You know you cannot stay with someone who is emotionally manipulating you in order to stay. Or to 'protect' them from themselves. Do not let them think this will wash even for a second or he will use that as a tactic in future.

He's a grown adult and it's up to him how he moves forwards as a result of a divorce. It is unlikely that will involve suicide. However, there is support available to help prevent that (gp, helplines, other family and friends).

'I hope you have had time to think now and know that that was a completely unacceptable thing to say to me...? It also doesn't change that we need to call things a day. I am really sorry that you feel this way though and think it would be wise for you you speak to your gp about your mental health moving forwards because it's obviously going to be a stressful few months'.

Amyjoyjoy · 20/11/2023 15:54

LimeOrangeLemon · 20/11/2023 15:37

OP, I can completely understand that what happened to your parents will make this harder for you. But remember that you are not responsible for his mental health.

Thank you

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 20/11/2023 15:58

I'd suggest pushing the divorce through ASAP, that way the house can be sold as part of the proceedings.

Speak with a divorce solicitor alone first and get advice on how to move forwards. Also, see if you can get proof of his earnings/savings to show them so that he can't hide assets on you.

Amyjoyjoy · 20/11/2023 16:08

Pinkbonbon · 20/11/2023 15:54

Well that was a horribly emotionally manipulative thing for him to say. Which, I suspect, is why he said it. Did you know that it's a common abuse tactic to threaten suicide when partners want to break up?

I'm not sure if abuse has been present in other forms in your relationship but it's potentially threatening to be now.

You know you cannot stay with someone who is emotionally manipulating you in order to stay. Or to 'protect' them from themselves. Do not let them think this will wash even for a second or he will use that as a tactic in future.

He's a grown adult and it's up to him how he moves forwards as a result of a divorce. It is unlikely that will involve suicide. However, there is support available to help prevent that (gp, helplines, other family and friends).

'I hope you have had time to think now and know that that was a completely unacceptable thing to say to me...? It also doesn't change that we need to call things a day. I am really sorry that you feel this way though and think it would be wise for you you speak to your gp about your mental health moving forwards because it's obviously going to be a stressful few months'.

Thanks for your reply. There have been some things but I'm not sure he's aware he's doing it. Gaslighting mainly. Saying things didn't happen when they did. Saying do you think something more is going on here, as in, I am mentally ill. Rewriting history, a lot. It's hard because I am aware these behaviours are seen as abuse but when you're in it and have loved someone it's not always obvious.

Everyone thinks he adores me and is a wonderful husband but they are not there when we argue. It's horrible and has took a toll on me.

I feel very strong now and in a good place mentally. I feel like I know who I am and I am ready to live. He admitted he has diminished as I've got stronger. I don't know why. I don't think he knows why either. It's very sad.

OP posts:
Bobbotgegrinch · 20/11/2023 16:09

Start pushing it through as fast as you can. The quicker he comes to terms with what's happening the better, and he'll take any slowness as a sign your reconsidering.

Given your history with your parents my cynical opinion would be that he knows exactly what button to push to keep you around, and he'll hammer it for all its worth.

TravellingT · 20/11/2023 16:13

Divorce, and your ability to protect your wellbeing is a right. He sounds manipulative, he may be mentally unwell but so are you by being with him.

FloweryWowery · 20/11/2023 16:25

'He admitted he has diminished as I've got stronger'... A loving partner is supposed to support you and your achievements. He is not that person.

You don't have to agree together to divorce. Use your energy to plan how to leave. There's no need to discuss until you're ready.

The world is littered with men who threatened suicide but are very much alive.

Fourhorses · 20/11/2023 22:44

I am going through this right now, it is agony and when we are home I feel completed dead and depleted. He also said to me that he won't be able to cope if I leave in the same way, in ways I used it to build my strength. I have just bought a house and will move in a few months, the alte native is nothing will ever move it progress. I have felt terrible for years.

Amyjoyjoy · 21/11/2023 07:07

Fourhorses · 20/11/2023 22:44

I am going through this right now, it is agony and when we are home I feel completed dead and depleted. He also said to me that he won't be able to cope if I leave in the same way, in ways I used it to build my strength. I have just bought a house and will move in a few months, the alte native is nothing will ever move it progress. I have felt terrible for years.

I am sorry you are also going through this. It is a horrible burden, but when I was at college yesterday and with the kids on my own I felt so happy. I knew I had done the right thing. He keeps trying to hug and kiss me but I had to be firm this morning and say this is making me so uncomfortable and I'd rather you stopped it. He got very upset again. It's all these conversations that are hard. The angst. It's hard to hurt someone even when you know it's the right thing. I'm here with you. Congratulations on buying your own home.

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 21/11/2023 12:37

he is not going to kill himself - let's get the out of the way

he does not have positive feelings towards you - he is resentful, angry and negative. However, divorce is a hassle and, unlike you, he won't gain anything from it. He will remain his miserable self, so he is trying to maintain status quo.

So just leave, whatever you do it wont male difference to him long term

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