Adult sibling with autism/Asperger’s cutting me off

[SmugglersHaunt]

Hi - just read an article on adults with Asperger’s/autism cutting off either their parents or siblings and just wondered if it rang true with anyone else.

My only sibling cut off all contact with me ten years ago - and has never explained why. It caused misery to my mum and dad (and me). We were only brought back together when my elderly dad was Ill and then died. But he was vile to me again, so it wasn’t a happy reunion.

He told me (drunk) after the funeral that he’d been diagnosed with Asperger’s (I had no idea), but had no explanation for why he’s been so vile (in many ways other than ignoring me) for many many years.

I’m now facing the prospect of having to deal with him more as and when when my mum needs more care and eventually goes. I’m dreading it. He clearly hates me (but won’t/can’t say why). I guess I’m just looking for anyone who has had a similar experience and how they’ve navigated it.

I’d try to have as little as possible to do with him as possible

This. You won’t be able to help or change someone with years/decades of such embedded thinking, and undoubtedly poor insight into their actions.

Just because you’re siblings doesn’t mean you need to be close. I hadn’t seen my (half) brother in years before my dad died. He turned up to the funeral, nosed about the house to see what he could take, and then beyond that, we only communicated through solicitors during probate. I haven’t heard from him again and that was about 25 years ago! He is not neurodivergent in any way. He’s just a bit of an asshole.

My mum’s partner (I should preface to say I’m NC with both of them as well) apparently has Asperger’s and according to them, because he ‘doesn’t understand social situations’ he accidentally sexually abused his daughters. 🙄 It’s not because he’s ND. It’s because he’s a creep.

Let him live his life. Deal with him as little as possible, go through third parties (solicitors, etc) as much as you can get away with. It’s isn’t a requirement to be close just because you’re related.

For the last two years, my life has been pretty awful as my adult son has become a serious drug addict and is now working in the sex industry.
The pain has been horrendous, and I admit that I am fragile and on antidepressants.
My problem is that my husband’s adult son, his mother, and my daughter-in-law are constantly picking on me. They are all on the autistic spectrum and are really quarrelsome and argumentative. They are totally unable to praise anything I do and always say something negative to any of my opinions.
This just seems to be their way and the rest of the family is not bothered by it.
However, for me, I am really sensitive and I feel ganged up on and bullied and like I have no support system. I have not experienced this previously with friends or other family and leaves me feeling really miserable and undermined.
Last time I had them all over to stay, they made me cry at breakfast by constantly criticising my opinions (just chatty ones about supermarkets and local pubs). It’s like a knee-jerk reaction. I’ll say something and they will immediately knock it down. After I spent time with them, I feel incredibly exhausted and drained and negative.
I know it isn’t me because when we have someone nice or reasonable here, and they observe it, they are horrified.
I don’t know if it’s because they’re on the spectrum or just not very nice people, but I literally don’t want anything to do with them any more.
My husband either doesn’t notice it (he’s probably on the spectrum too) or gets out of the way and avoids what they’re saying, e.g. by suddenly needing to wash up. He is very non-confrontational and would not defend me at the time, although he did phone them afterwards and tell them that upset me. Apparently they said they were sorry but they didn’t say it to me.
Is it unreasonable to keep them out of my life with Christmas coming up? I just don’t have the energy for toxic people at the moment.
I’m willing to tolerate my daughter-in-law for the sake of my son, but I see no reason to tolerate my mother-in-law.
My husband recognises his behaviour and is working on it, but I can’t see any changes.

My adult daughter diagnosed Asperger's when a child. She has many times cut me off...for months at a time. She does come back, usually when an emergency. I give her space she obviously needs...she knows my door is always open. With aspergers the more you badger, the more they push away. Just tell them you're always there when they need to (unless theyre abusive oc).

Asperger’s isn’t an excuse or even a reason for this. Several in my family with it.

I would take the decision yourself not to allow him back in. He’s ignored you for 10 years. Why would you chase a relationship with someone who has that much contempt for you?

in dealings, think of him as a random employee. Be polite. Arrangements only. No feelings.

I agree. If treated badly, you can only live your life, sadly , without sibling.
You have to self preserve.

My mum’s partner (I should preface to say I’m NC with both of them as well) apparently has Asperger’s and according to them, because he ‘doesn’t understand social situations’ he accidentally sexually abused his daughters.

Fucking hell. He didn’t ‘accidentally’ do anything, Asperger’s or not. I’m sorry your mum is such an utter dick as to believe this, and be around him. Completely understand the NC.

My adult son has Asperger’s and is a champion at holding on to grudges , even when they don’t serve him well any more. He has been no contact with me for six years and that does cause me grief. I reconciled with that as he lives the way that is best for him,and sadly I am not part of that. My family also pressure me to contact him, but I feel that I would be treading on his very clear boundaries if I did that.
I think the unpleasantness comes from his observing that his life hasn’t really ‘launched’ in any significant way, he’s not stupid, quite the opposite, but doesn’t have the capacity to hold down a job and communicate effectively. He’s very bitter. Life is unfair and he feels it deeply.
You ca have boundaries too, don’t have in your house.

My brother was undiagnosed and did the same. My eldest son is autistic and has afhd and he's incredibly brittle, manipulative and often just downright horrible to me. I do my best but it wouldn't surprise me if he cuts me off. His relationship with his siblings is awful too. It's heartbreaking.

I have name changed for this. I have autism. I'm not at all sure I'm going to be able to explain this helpfully, but I wanted to give my take on it anyway. I'm trying to understand and offer thoughts, not argue.

Autism is not something people can help having. I imagine your sibling has found things very difficult through life and I guess that might bring extra problems and issues like anger for them. I know neurotypical (nt) people have difficult things too. I do think the world is set up for nt people at the moment, probably understandably, but I hope and think there's becoming more understanding of differences.

I'm not surprised you felt hurt when you were cut off with no explanation, it must have felt baffling and cruel.

From what I understand, this can happen with autistic people, as Loubelle said, and I think it is different from the 'going no contact' thing we often read about where, for example, someone has to stop contact with an abusive relative, which is sometimes the right thing to do. In those cases, those people often say they feel relief, lighter, and much happier for stopping contact.

However, I've stopped contacting people I love, because I just couldn't deal with the pressure, interactions, layers of issues that had built up and that I felt unable to unpack or articulate. I've hated myself for it and missed them and felt miserable. Someone else would probably have been able to speak clearly and directly, have a bit or a row or a laugh at something, but I've felt overwhelming stress and inability to do this. I think that might be part of the autism. It might be they hate the struggle of being themself, not that they hate you.

However, I can totally understand your dread at future interactions and I'd understand you not wanting anything to do with him.

Please don't think of your sibling as a 'random employee' though, I think that's cruel. I read somewhere that it's not a problem with interactions autistic people have, it's a problem with inauthentic interactions. If you think of them as a random employee and then treat them as such I think that would make matters worse. (Also, I'd hope all employees would be treated well anyway, not dismissively.)

No idea if any of this makes sense, but good luck with it all.

Maybe just let him be. I have no idea whether his diagnosis is relevant, but none of us is under any obligation to keep in touch with family members. Sometimes people just don't get on, and being related doesn't change that.

You're not alone, OP. My sibling has aspergers and cut me off a long time ago. He was absolutely vile to me when we were growing up and I will certainly never bother to try and reconnect. I know he can't help it if he has a condition, but we have nothing to offer each other. I long since realised that I doubt I will know when he dies.

Also, you do not ever have to be responsible for your sibling in the future, get that out of your head right now. Accident of birth does not equal obligations.

Thanks all for your replies - all really helpful. Sorry so many of you are having similar situations. The vileness, cutting off contact and lack of any change are all horrible to deal with, and feel inexplicable, but it’s of comfort that it’s not uncommon. I hope you all get some resolution, or at least some peace with your situations x

My mum has now cut me off I suspect she has undiagnosed something , has never been kind and only said something nice to me twice (am over 50) to be honest it’s relief

This is a very insightful and clear explanation. I have an adult son on the spectrum. He had become extremely bitter and angry , holds grudges and really hardly sees anyone in the family anymore. He has fallen out with his sister and they don’t speak. He was such a loving child and loving son until the last few years. He’s 33 now. I think he hates himself and the way his life has turned out, and feels a lot of shame . After year and years of struggling to help him I have hit a wall. Being around him now is upsetting and stressful . I feel broken hearted about it.

Your brother doesn’t appear to have any redeeming features so I would keep away from him as much as you can. It’s very sad for you but he won’t change.

That’s probably won’t be a very popular thing to say. I have several people in my family with autism. They are invariably very selfish and self-centred. In some cases their behaviour comes across as narcissistic.

One has estranged himself from the family. The others are opinionated and outspoken and do not seem to care or notice when they upset people.
I have backed off from contact with many of them because they just make me unhappy.

Are you suggesting that autism makes people self-centred, selfish and narcissistic?

I can only speak for the four people I know well who have it (who are not all blood related or brought up in the same household). I also now several others but not as closely and they appear to be the same.
They all behave in an opinionated and arrogant way and are domineering and hurtful seemingly without being aware of it.
I think it is probable that the difference between narcissism and autism is that there is no malicious intent with autism. It is more a lack of knowing how to get on with people, and I genuinely believe some of them don’t actually notice other peoples feelings.

I have a sibling like this, I’ve been hurt by the blocking/reactions, they’ve held huge grudges about things that I had no idea about. It’s heartbreaking to be on the receiving end of. Currently low contact due to an ill parent but I could get blocked at anytime, minimal communication about parent.

my sibling rarely contacts anyone in the family and puts spin/manipulation on thing’s when they do, to the point where recently a relative that been in recent communication with sibling after a long period of no contact jokingly suggested that they we get sat at a table at the next family event and we talked about why I wasn’t talking to them?! When it’s always been the other way around.

Ditto on that one @Shortbread49 . Same here. I actually cant remember mother saying 1 nice thing about me. ♥️. The relief is immense...im NC