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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Not worth marrying

26 replies

Cluedup81 · 19/11/2023 15:35

Having a tough time with my partner and I’ve been withdrawn recently in our relationship. My reasons are many and it’s a build up of problems we’ve had between us over the years. He has struggled to hold down a job and tends to lose his cool and walk out, leaving me to pick up the pieces and support us both. I can feel myself drifting away from him; I’m just really tired in the relationship and I don’t think my feelings are coming back.
We had an argument the other day as I tried to explain to him my feelings and that I think our relationship has come to an end. He reacted angrily and out of no where said ‘I’m so glad I’m not married to you, I remember thinking, this girl is so flaky it’s not worth it!’ I know it’s him trying to protect his ego, but it hurt me and he’s not apologised, although he’s going around trying to be very nice to me now. He’s since asked me for favours (lifts to work and fetching him things) and is trying to act like it’s all normal and wanting to plan for Christmas and stuff. I’m just numb 😐

OP posts:

Daffyaboutdaffs · 19/11/2023 15:38

Why are you still there? You’ve told him you want out. What’s your next move?

Pthalo · 19/11/2023 15:41

What’s stopping you leaving? Kids, money, accommodation, fear?

It’s clear that you’re done with this. Don’t try to have a conversation with him about it, he’ll just drain your energy. Instead plan your exit. What needs to happen before you can simply walk out and never come back? Make a mental list of what yoh need to do and stert working on your list. Avoid him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/11/2023 15:44

Plan your exit from this dysfunctional relationship with due care and attention. What is the situation re the finances and property?.

He can also make his own way to work and you do not have to fetch things for him, You're not a dog or his emotional support human not that he's ever given you any level of support here.

Mari9999 · 19/11/2023 15:49

@Daffyaboutdaffs
You are there by choice. Feeling as you do, what is stopping you from leaving? As unpleasant as he may be, he is not holding you hostage.

When you place enough value on your feelings, you will be capable of acting in your own interest.

Opentooffers · 19/11/2023 15:50

Be glad you didn't marry him as it sounds like he has put a lot less in and been less of support and more of a drain on you.
Stop doing him 'favours', you are giving mixed signals and letting him drain you further.It's high time he got responsible for himself rather than leaning on you.
In particle terms, do you share a mortgage or rent? Would he be willing to leave? You should stay put if you can, especially if have DC's.

RantyAnty · 19/11/2023 16:00

Remember this lazy, work shy, cocklodger is the one not worth marrying.

What is your living situation so you can end this situation with him once and for all?

Aquamarine1029 · 19/11/2023 16:03

The only thing keeping you there is you. Why do you continue to waste your life on this horrible relationship?

Original poster

Cluedup81 · 19/11/2023 16:14

Thanks for the replies everyone! You’ve all made valid points and these are questions I ask myself daily. I’ve no children and have a very good job so I’m not at all dependent on him. I’ve grown professionally since our relationship started, but he’s peddled backwards. Seems I’ve become to feel very responsible for him. I have loved him dearly and he appeared to be having severe mental health problems so I did what I believed was right at the time, which is to support him as much as I could. Fast forward a few years and those responsibilities seem to have grown. Looking back I feel manipulated but also guilty for wanting to leave as he starts to become either angry or fragile at the suggestion of a split and I dread it. I lost my Mum just before the pandemic and since losing her I don’t feel like I’ve been the same person. I do have a plan to leave; I wanted to give myself a few more months to save money before walking away. We have a joint mortgage so would likely sell the house. I suppose I’m just dreading trying to start again and keep kicking the can down the road. I never had this problem when younger, although I went through a divorce and I think that affected me more than I cared to admit. I think that’s why the marriage comment stung so much, I worry there’s some truth to it and I’m just not enough. Silly really.

OP posts:

cheezncrackers · 19/11/2023 16:18

It sounds very much like actually he's not the one worth marrying - you sound like you've got your shit completely together and he's moving backwards. OP, don't waste any more time than you need to getting your ducks in a row to leave. I don't anyone who's left a relationship who wishes they'd stayed longer - in fact every single one says they wish they'd left months/years before they finally did. Set a date when you'll have enough money saved to be able to start again (or maybe you already do?) and then get the ball rolling. You can do it 💪

sixteenfurryfeet · 19/11/2023 16:41

You've supported him & made allowances for years and he has kicked you in the teeth.

Time to pull the plug on this one, isn't it?

NutellaNut · 19/11/2023 16:45

He was clearly just lashing out to protect his ego, so don’t take it to heart. There’s obviously no truth to it, he just knows you well enough to say what will hurt you - which makes him a nasty piece of work. You’re the one who’s dodged a bullet here by not being married to him. It will save a lot of trouble when you split. I’d stop doing any favours for him and start the ball rolling to sell the house and separate.

BCBird · 19/11/2023 16:51

I would say you are enough, but he is too much in the worst possible way. Walk away. Get some peace. Good luck OP

Rosequartz7 · 19/11/2023 16:58

Classic projection from him. Sounds like it's more than time to move on.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/11/2023 17:00

I’ve no children and have a very good job so I’m not at all dependent on him.

Give yourself a lovely Christmas present of dumping him. Yes the house but honestly, he's a drain on you.

CheekyHobson · 19/11/2023 17:14

He reacted angrily and out of no where said ‘I’m so glad I’m not married to you, I remember thinking, this girl is so flaky it’s not worth it!’ I know it’s him trying to protect his ego, but it hurt me and he’s not apologised, although he’s going around trying to be very nice to me now. He’s since asked me for favours (lifts to work and fetching him things) and is trying to act like it’s all normal and wanting to plan for Christmas and stuff. I’m just numb 😐

When you've done a lot and sacrificed for someone who isn't able to stay on top of their own life for a long time, you can feel very hurt and bitter when they show what you've done for them isn't appreciated.

You're clear-sighted enough to know that his words are hollow - that he's just lashing out against you as a way of defending against his own feelings of inadequacy. His ego is also too fragile to actually apologise, so he tries to 'make up' by acting nice for a bit so that you'll keep providing the relationship services that he both needs and feels ashamed of needing.

People like this are just endless pits of need and negativity. You won't get what you want from him, even when it's as simple as an apology showing some true reflection on his behaviour. He's just not capable of giving it. He's a taker and he'll always be that way unless he recognises what he's like and decides to do a lot of work to change it - therapy, working on his issues, making different choices, maybe medication - there can be a lot involved.

But as long as he's lashing out at you and blaming you for feeling worn out and fed up of catering to him, he's not ready to make that change. The only other person who can change the dynamic is you, by relinquishing the sense of responsibility you feel to care for someone who doesn't care for you in return.

Bananalanacake · 19/11/2023 18:50

Women are not rehab centres for men with mh problems, he is an adult, he can look after himself.

Original poster

Cluedup81 · 19/11/2023 22:07

CheekyHobson you’ve summed it up perfectly. He maintains he’s the one that has sacrificed everything as he moved to be with me, but at first it was a major joint effort to get everything in place from both sides and it very quickly the rot set in and I started to be on the receiving end of endless mood swings.
We just aren’t on the same page with priorities either, I’m starting to feel really at odds with him in lots of ways, but it’s taken me a long time to realise. We were very much in love once, so it’s very sad it’s come to this, but I know it has happened because the negatives have outweighed the positives. There’s too much there for me to deal with and keep my sanity.

OP posts:

Pumpkinpie1 · 19/11/2023 22:22

Start the new year as you mean to go on without him.
Your house needs to be sold and you need to go your separate ways.
Delaying the inevitable will hurt more in the long run

Firnie · 19/11/2023 22:37

OP: I think this relationship is over

Cocklodger: Yeah... well... I didn't want to marry you anyway! Because reasons! So there! But also you need to carry on washing my socks and giving me lifts to places, so that I can pretend we still have a relationship. LA LA LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU

Pinkbonbon · 19/11/2023 22:47

He wants to trick you back onto the merry go round of 'Prove your worth'. Becayse if you're stuck looking inwards it distracts you from him being the problem.

Tell him to get out and never let him darken your door again. He's a dusty. A Cocklodger.

ILikeMyMenLikeMyCoffeeWhiteAndWeak · 20/11/2023 02:59

He is King Flake and definitely projecting. If he were nice and respectful to you i would get financially supporting him but he is such a leech and rude with it. Deffo leave you are worth so much more. Sorry about your mum, i bet she'd want you to be happy with someone kind to you xx

daisychain01 · 20/11/2023 03:04

Set yourself a deadline of when you're going to leave and carry through with it.

make it reality - he's a millstone round your neck.

Beaverbridge · 20/11/2023 03:07

He's dragging you down, get shot of him.

Original poster

Cluedup81 · 20/11/2023 10:42

Thanks again everyone. I’m not at all surprised by the advice and feedback. Time to get the wheels in motion 👍🏻

OP posts:

DeeCeeCherry · 20/11/2023 10:51

struggled to hold down a job and tends to lose his cool and walk out, leaving me to pick up the pieces and support us

This is the loser you're losing sleep over? Sorry, I wouldnt let a man like this even sit on my sofa. He screams 'stressful life/generational poverty for future children/broke as fuck due to lack of control so my woman WILL financially support me as her burden in life'.

You should be smiling that he doesn't see you as worth marrying. Work on your self-esteem, because men like this know exactly who they go for. Its not an assured woman who has herself together; they know they'd not be given the time of day

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