Is this abuse ? Should I run for my life ?

[Sadtiming]

This is going to be a long story and I need a genuine help as I haven’t told anyone what has been happening in my marriage for the last few years. But I’m ready to speak up now

So I met my husband years ago and it was the most beautiful feeling ever, we were both sure that we wanted to get married and started a family. Everything happened very quickly.

However, things changed a lot since his dad died very soon after our wedding. His mum abounded him when he was a little boy so he really kept saying he is an orphan since his dad died.
His first outburst and aggression started when my family members will come over( which I’m very close) he literally yelled at me in front of everyone in a venue and in front of my family for literally not any particular reason whatsoever.
Then he hardly apologised obviously and continued to insult me like idiot, you re crazy, shutting doors etc all over the years.

I always had a lot of empathy towards him because he was grieving and I just felt sorry for him I wanted to support him.

And like this wasn’t stressful enough for both of us but my mum died recently too which just broke my heart into billion pieces and we just had a child …… our child is the most adorable thing ever …
but obviously it’s stressful with everything going on and on the top of all of these he keeps saying to me “you can’t grieve now you don’t have an option you have a child to look after, I’m telling you as I was there and it’s not a good place to be”.

we went to a restaurant yesterday and I can see that he is on the verge of abusing me again in public talking aggressively to me for not seeing he is putting his jacket on ……
Today he turned to me and said
“you fucking cunt”
you are a bitch
you are disgusting like in the most serious aggressive voice ever I genuinely got scared took my child and went in my bedroom where I’m staying all day now …. I don’t know what to do….

his trigger points are if you point something that he has done and instead of apologising he immediately turns to blame you

im lost …..
I don’t know what to ….. I’m in the uk ……

Yes it most certainly is abuse. If it was me, I'd leave him. You only have one life.

Yes and yes, but you already know the answers to those questions. What you also know is that reality isn’t as easy as realising he’s abusive and just up and leaving with the kids. What do you think you should do OP? How much support do you have from family and friends etc?

Stay away from anybody who upsets you. That's it, for a happy life. Even if they sometimes treat you well, or used to treat you well. You don't have to give them a label, like 'abusive', you don't have to work out what 'triggers' them.

You just stay away from them.

And if it's hard (as this may be, because you're married), then work out how to change things in order that you can stay away from them.

That's what to do. Try Women's Aid if you're stuck on practicalities. There's lots of help out there.

No matter what kind of upbringing he had, or through grief, or any mental health problems he may have, none of that gives him any excuse to treat you badly.

He is abusing you. I'm so sorry.

There are no excuses for him behaving like this. You need to split, your DC is also being exposed to an abusive relationship.

That’s the thing
I have his family here but none of my family
and he is well using that he knows I don’t want to go back to live with my dad which my dad abused us all at home when we were younger. He knows I have no where to go… I do have friends here but I’m just embarrassed to tell them that’s just me ….

He is a very clever man though
he always makes that it’s never his fault about anything and that is everyone else fault
for even silly things like petty things you can imagine like if I end up on a court with him ….
he will literally destroy me

Well, your decision isn't about 'who he is' or how clever he is. Your decision is to decide between staying in a shit relationship, or leaving it.

Do you want to leave? If you leave out all the ifs and buts? As a yes or no, would you like to say, in 5 years time 'I was miserable, so I left him, 5 years ago'?

Do you own the house? Can you tell him to go to his family as his becavioue is unacceptable? You can't bring up your child in this environment, and you need to get out before he swamps you and you can't get out

You saw abuse at home in your childhood and now you are being abused by your husband. Your relationship with him is over because the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Your boundaries, already messed with by what you saw from your abusive dad are also being further messed with by your husband. He is a bullying and otherwise inadequate man, not the boss of you. He wants you scared of him or think that he will destroy you so he can continue to have power and control over you.

Women’s Aid need to be contacted.
You are married to this man and have rights in law, exercise those now fully and look into starting divorce proceedings. Get legal advice, knowledge here is power. Women’s aid can and will help you leave your abuser. You are not powerless here and you indeed have options. Abuse also thrives on secrecy, time to bust this wide open by starting to open up to a couple of trusted friends. Some of them likely have their own private based suspicions about your husband anyway.

So he's a nasty bastard... you can't stay with someone because of that though.That's like shooting yourself in the foot every day for ever.

I'm sure he will be a prick when you leave him but so what? I'd rather live free with some asshole on the peripheries of my life than live trapped inside with the bastard.

Don't go back to your dad. Speak with women's aid. Tell your friends what us happening. Abuse thrives in the shadows.

It's heartbreaking that you were there for him when his dad died and when you experienced a similar loss, he told yoi you were not allowed to grieve. Textbook narcissist. Only their needs matter. And your pain is used to exploit you and hurt you further.

He's vile. If you don't want your daughter thinking its OK for men to treat get this way, run. I mean, run a either way though. He's nuts.

If he harasses you then that's what the police are for. Don't be slow to make use of them. It's always good to get abuse on record.

No he owns the house
he is supporting me financially as well as I left my job so I can look after my mum for two years which was obviously very generous of him as he was saying that no other man would do that for so long
he just came and told me that it’s his fault that makes me feel think of myself higher than I am… so I am provoking him and triggering me to talk to me like that and as I said earlier again he said it’s all my fault provoking him as I’m not this amazing person as well ….

… no comment

Yes which it was himself telling to my dad not to yell to my mum… I thought I’m gonna be finally protected by a man in my life as we shared same values , I was raised my amazing mum who will never insult me or hit me nor smack me she will
physically stand in front of my dad so he doesn’t hit me….. but he got bad words about her as well as for my sister and for his sister and for his mum which these days it makes me thing it’s something towards the “ woman” in general …

its all too much I can’t get my head around all of these

No he owns the house.
You are married with a joint child. It is owned by both of you.

You are being emotionally abused, look it up. So you need to leave as soon as possible. Contact Women's Aid and ask for their support.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

Giving you spaghetti head is par for the course with abusers.

The responsibility for his abuse of you is his and his alone. You did not drive him to abuse you and you are not responsible for his actions. Men like your husband and your dad hate women, ALL of them. You learnt a lot of damaging lessons about relationships when you were growing up.

You have a choice re this man, your child does not. Your only option here for both you and your child is to divorce your abusive H.

Honestly, @Sadtiming , if you think you have any power at all over his behaviour, then why not change it for the better? Why haven't you turned him into the man of your dreams? Why would your own power go towards making him abuse you?

Can you see how crazy it is, the idea that you're making him treat you that way?

absolutely this!! My XH used to tell me that it was my fault that he behaved in certain ways/got abusive. I remember saying to him that if I had such power over him/how he behaved, he'd be a polite, respectful and loving man (not an abusive drunk!!)....because who in their right mind would conjure up having a partner or husband that was abusive?!