How do you build your trust back up in men?

[sugarpops]

Every man that has been in my life has hurt me. My dad, and my 2 ex's. Especially my ex husband who was extremely abusive.

While I don't want a new relationship now or even in the near future, I want to get over this perception that I have of men. Even the thought of a man coming to do work on my house worries me. I don't want to live like that.

I am working on myself massively. I just wondered if there was anything anyone had done that had helped to get over their fear of men.

I had a male friend message me yesterday to see how I was. He is married, there is nothing in it. I think he has just been genuinely concerned for me lately. I was a nervous wreck replying to him.

I have 2 amazing sons, I don't want to feel like this. I'd just like to build my confidence up abit.

You don't learn to trust 'men', because some men aren't trustworthy. You're asking the wrong question.

You learn to trust yourself. You learn to trust that when you meet a man, you have enough awareness of your own needs, and enough ability and willingness to meet your needs, that, even if the man (or woman, or customer, or boss, or horse or anybody at all) turns out to be untrustworthy, you will be fine.

The untrustworthy men in your past have made you unhappy because you have stuck around when they treated you badly. If anybody treats you badly in the future, within the first few years of knowing you, make sure that you can leave, and that you do leave. You will never have an abusive relationship again, if you walk away at the first hint of poor treatment. If you're not comfortable, respect that. Currently, you are not comfortable with any men, and you are already trying to over-ride/get over/recover from your feeling. But feelings aren't pesky irritants, to be silenced and pushed aside. They are signposts: you don't want to be around men? Don't be around men. Your friend, if he's a real friend, will still be around at a later date, even if you go quiet for a while. Don't do anything that compromises you. You are the priority. Your feelings are all you have, so if you ignore them, what/who are you?

What work are you doing on yourself?

@Watchkeys yeah I probably have asked the wrong question. I mean more comfortable. I'm fully aware that not all men are trust worthy. I've got a list of red flags as long as my arm and I'm very aware of what is right and wrong.

I've done a lot.

Individual therapy - still continuing.
The freedom program
Courses on anxiety, self esteem, boundaries, positive thinking.
Worked with my local domestic abuse charity.
Currently doing a level 2 on domestic abuse.
Made new friends, have a good social life
Moved house and live completely independently
Got tattoos to remind me of who I am.

Quite a bit more.

It's just more about that nerve wracking feeling around them. And I can't avoid men. I've got work on my house that is in desperate need of doing. I don't want to live my life avoiding them when I do actually need them in some way for certain things!

How would you define a 'red flag'?

I think I'm the same as you op...