Men after breakup — how not to be rebound

[librarycards]

There’s someone — a man— I’ve long held a torch for who is just leaving a very long relationship (with kids). I must admit I’ve thought about maybe now will be our time. But how long should I leave this before asking him for a drink so as to not be a rebound? That isn’t what I want, I want the real deal. How long do you think it’ll honestly take for him to get back on solid ground?

How old are the children? I think the dynamic is vastly different for young children vs adult kids.

2 years I’d say. His head will be an absolute mess and he’ll be all over the place first 6 months for sure but probably longer if he loved her and the family

It totally depends upon the guy and the circumstances of his divorce.

Have you eve had reason to believe that in the right place and time that your feelings might be reciprocated?

Depends on the nature of the split I guess - my husband and I are just splitting, he has already moved on and I’m in bits so depends if he wants to be leaving or not!

It's a tricky one, @librarycards. Are you willing to wait for him to rebound from his rebound(s)? Vaguely eligible divorcés and widowers are usually snowed under by women being helpful, in blatant hope of filling the wife's vacated shoes. At least one of them is likely to get what she hoped for, at least temporarily.

Just like a woman, a man's ready when he's ready. Until then, he'll probably have a few relationships. One of them might last.

I don't see anything wrong with asking him out for a drink anyway. What I'm less sure about is: [a] whether it's healthy to carry a torch for someone like this; and [b] whether it's a good idea to tell him you carry his torch - I'd say yes, but it totally depends on how good you are at choosing your moment & words.

When I was younger my policy was 6 months. But it depends how much they have to entangle. Could be 2 years as PP said. It is hard but I think if you are honest with them.

Thanks. Yes the children are 6 and 9. He isn’t particularly eligible— well he is handsome but not the rest. Yes, he did love her.

I suppose my question is just about how long someone’s head is messed up in these situations. I am also divorced, but it was abusive and my head was messed up in a different way. So I’m not sure of more ‘normal’ situations.

How long is a piece of string really.

Some men move on fast, forget about their kids largely. The decent ones less so I think.

I have just started dating someone after splitting six months ago from my ex (have a toddler). But I would say we hadn't been 'in love' for a long time. He betrayed me, and it was a solid reason to end the marriage and not look back, so there weren't any what ifs or maybes.

Agree with the above. If it was amicable, then it will probably be a year or so before he's ready. If a spiteful breakup, he could start looking after five minutes.

I'd say wait until the dust settles then just check up on him. Even just an 'I heard...' or 'how are you doing' sort of thing.

As is well documented on here, men move on FAST

This.

I know a man whose wife died and he was eyeing up a replacement before her funeral.

My ex moved in with his new woman (who was probably the other woman, we'll never know!) after 12 weeks.

It's all well and good wanting the real deal. But as you probably know after your own breakup, the end of his marriage might change what he wants out of a relationship. I never want to share a home with a partner ever again. So I can't offer someone 'the real deal'.

Men move on fast! I believe because they can’t cope on their own after being used to being with a woman looking after them.

Thanks everyone

I tend to agree it depends on the circumstances. Men move on fast because it takes them time to start to process things. They don't initially. If the relationship was over for a while before the initial split he may be ready. If not, it could be a while.

Nothing to stop you offering support and checking in on him as a friend. When he's ready for a real relationship again he'll remember you.

There's no answer here. Everyone is different. Many men would be wanting to move on with haste and the estimates of a year etc seem ridiculous to me. Give it a few weeks and make a move. If you don't, someone else will.

I got together with my husband of ten years 3 months after he had left another relationship. (No i wasnt the reason why he left that relationship) tbf it was only a 2 year relationship and they never lived together, so a bit different... but I do think ending up as a rebound is not necessarily about how soon after the relationship you have ended up together. Its more about the psychological state he is in... for instance if its been a long protracted breakup or he has been unhappy for a long time.. it may be that he is very ready to move on seriously. But if it was a more sudden thing that may not be the case. Of course personality comes into it to. Some people come out of long relationships just wanting to be free and dont contemplate having serious relationships again for a long time. Everyone is different. I think you just need to talk to him as a friend and see where his head is at. And then do what feels natural.