Relationship advice

[Flannel18]

I’ve been in a relationship for 10 years. It’s been an … eventful relationship to say the least & too much history to go into. But basics are when we first got together he lied and said he was divorced , he was only separated. The relationship ( with his now ex wife , which took 5 years after being together ) was odd at best. He would literally jump through hoops for her. I left him 4 years in as the relationship was unbearable - his drinking , his obsession with work , his relationship with his ex wife and the lack of time for me / us as a couple. The fact he went away for a weekend and didn’t even tell me .. along with numerous other issues.
we got back together 5 months later - in this time I had a very casual relationship with Someone - this was twisted around and made out HE was left for another guy - NOT the case. We got back together and everything was lovely. Effort made on his and my part , divorce proceedings started , drinking stopped , time made for each other etc. then again started to turn sour with him working more and more. Always too busy. And the drinking starting up again. He then “broke up with me “ for one week , in which time he dated and slept with another woman for “pay back “ , I didn’t actually find out til months later - we stayed together ( eventually I also found out he’d been texting behind my back and slept with a prostitute) I stupidly stayed & we ended up pregnant , and our DD is beautiful. I’m so very blessed by her - I moved into HIS owned home ( which is forever thrown back in my face ) I work for his business (unpaid though all bills etc are covered by his wages which was what HE wanted when we found out I was pregnant ) , we planned to get married , deposits paid , wedding dress bought , 8 weeks prior he cancels the wedding due to lack of money ( his reasons ) even though my family had paid for all the wedding so far and was going to gift us the rest of the money as a gift - we lost all their money and I have an unused wedding dress hanging in my bedroom constantly. I was absolutely gutted to say the least - hotel rooms had been booked by friends and relatives , clothes had been bought , everything arranged. I had to call and tell everyone and cancel everything. It was humiliating actually. He made no phones calls and gave me no reason for 6 WEEKS. We had just been on a £4000 holiday with his family - money didn’t seem to be an issue then. His drinking has become constant with some nights so drunk he can’t get up in the morning , he messages other women on FB and forever is watching p*rn. We aren’t intimate in anyway. He wouldn’t come on holiday with me to my parents holiday home stating too much work - but sat at home for 3 days getting drunk. I do everything for our DD. And have since day one. Every night feed. He sees her for a few hours a week if that - I have made so many sacrifices for this relationship with giving up my rented secure home , my job etc to work for him , raise our child , and keep and make a home - which forever goes unnoticed and unappreciated. I forever say thank you , for everything , For our home , our bills paid , how grateful i am he works so hard - but I’m actually starting to feel like a mug. He’s obsessed with money and working to the point we NEVER have any familY time , he criticises me in nearly every sentence , shouts at me that this is HIS house and he should be respected as man of the house , he’s cruel to my 18 year old daughter & lets his son get away with the same things he moans at her about, he runs down every single person in my life in some way , he comes home drunk every single night , he can just flip to nasty or kicking of about something when he’s had a drink. I’ve begged and begged him to stop drinking and he doesn’t. He never kisses me or touches me. Never thanks me. Never holds my hand. Never compliments me. Oh and just to add- 5 days after I gave birth I found out he’d been having an affair with a girl for six weeks - who he’d bought into our home , our bed , decorated our Christmas tree with and continued to text for months and months after to the point I had a nervous breakdown and tried to kill myself - all again with him drinking , working and giving me no support. Am I crazy to be staying to keep my family together ? Should I cut and run ? Although typing this I feel the answer is quite clear …

Is this the sort of relationship you want to model for your DD?

This isn’t family. This is abuse.

Quite frankly you're abusing yourself at this point.

Stop being a martyr to someone who, blatantly, hates you.

He hates you.
I'm sorry but look at his actions and it's all exceedingly aparent.

Why would you think seeing a parental relationship like this is of benefit to your children?
Do you want thrm to grow up and stay with people who hate them too?

Of course you leave.
The time is now. Run.

Wow. He's quite a catch. Lol.

OP, seriously - if this is real....? Read your own post over and over.

You must leave. How could you think staying in this environment could be good for you or your children? He is cruel to your older daughter. He is abusive to you. And he is non-existent at best to your younger DD, who is growing up in a trauma raised household with a mother driven to consider suicide.

What would you advise a friend who told you this story?

What is stopping you from leaving right now?

Am I crazy to be staying to keep my family together ?

I mean...yes. It's almost unbelievable how bad things are in your life and yet you're asking this question...

You and your daughter are worth so much more than this.

Yes after re-reading I can see. I would tell friends the same advice you guys are replying to me. But please don’t be so harsh ? What’s stopping me leaving ? I don’t know anymore , I have nothing no money of my own etc I’m scared

No it’s not your right

Of course you're scared. This abuse is all you've known for so long that stepping away from it, permanently, feels unsafe

But now you have a child to advocate for and to keep properly safe and secure

You HAVE to put your own historical comfort zone aside and make a life for both you and your child

Talk to women's aid and citizens advice to work out where you both can live and what money you're entitled to

Apply for child maintenance

Ring the Police if he kicks off. He won't like you stepping into your power

Don't allow him to dim your light any longer

You can’t live like this! If you can’t find the strength for yourself then do it for your girls. The whole time you stay with him you teach them that this behaviour is ok and they will end up in relationships just like yours! He’s a dirty lying, cheating alcoholic who doesn’t deserve you. Apply for new jobs, do it asap! Then talk to the council about rent and if they can house you! Tell them how bad it is! Or move in with family or friends! You can’t waste anymore time on this man! You make a plan to get out and take what you can financially before he ruins you!

Crikey! Keeping what family together? This is no way to live… You need to make a plan to leave in the new year and give you and your DCs a better life. Can you find work asap?

OP, I'm sorry if my post or others sound harsh.... we are not trying to be harsh with you and we really want to support you.

I think what you are hearing is anger on your behalf.

I can understand you feeling really scared. I can understand how keep holding in waiting for things to get better. I can also understand you worrying about your DC's stability (better the devil you know... and all that).

But the problem you're in won't get better and it's like a life sentence. Leaving will be hard but it will be short term. You will then have the ingredients you need - free of the misery caused by your ex- to build a happier, healthier life for you and your DC.

Loads of people here have amazing experience and resources to help you with that journey.

You've taken a great, courageous step posting here. Even if it's hard to read, I would keep reading and ousting so you can start thinking about having a better life and what that could feel like. Xxx

Just to update on the situation, he’s now started taking drugs - I’ve put myself on the council list , applied for benefits and applied for jobs ,been doing some cash in hand cleaning work to save some money to get out. My 18 year old is moving out the end of this week to stay with her boyfriend and his family until we get a place of our own. To make matters worse, social care got involved over Christmas , because I opened up to DD playgroup manager and she made a call - tbh that has helped me massively and they’ve been great. I’ve had help from GDASS and social and housing … everything going in the right direction for me and DD. But I’m so scared. I’m so anxious about my future and our life, money , working and starting over. It fills me with panic. But I look at DD and I know why I’m doing this. . I’m worried about his behaviour when I leave. When his ex wife left he stalked her and put petrol through her door ,annd got drunk annd did drugs , slashed her tyres. The thought he might do those things makes me feel sick. everything feels uncertain and messy. Social care have requested supervised visits and GDASS have offered lots of different avenues of support and help for when we get housed- he has absolutely no clue that any of this is going on , my plan to leave and the secrets I’m keeping. I’m not a dishonest person. So this feels unnatural to me. Im so depressed and anxious, ive stopped going out on my own , ive lost weight , i sit in my bedroom every night with our little one. He sleeps in the spare room. There’s been nights where his drinking has been awful and the drug taking and when confronted he walked out for two nights and stayed in premier inn , drinking & taking cocaine. He’s been sending messages to women , I’ve not touched his money or asked him for anything except if DD needs shoes etc. he buries his head in the sand and pretends we are a normal happy family. I don’t understand how someone can be so much in denial. His ex wife has been a lovely support to me , as are my friends. But I just feel so empty and hollow and scared.

Wow OP !
You will never have any happiness or peace of mind whilst you are tied to this drunken abusive addict.
Take all the help you are offered and don’t look back

Wow OP, its embarrassing that you are still there. Can you look your parents in the eye after all he's done. You've reached a new level of doormat here. Hard to believe really.

Maybe you could try to turn some of the worries about the future into excitement.

Think of it, you don't know what the future holds but it's yours to make. Maybe this time next year you'll be on an adventure weekend. Maybe 10 years from now you'll be a painter living in Spain.

There will likely be times where money is tight, times when you're lonely, times where you don't know what to do or what comes next. But thats all part of life. At least you'll be free. Free to succeed or fail and get back up again because you have the strength to do so now because it's no longer wasted on surviving him.

Just to update - partner assaulted me, I called the police. He stayed away for three days; I packed up all our things thick we’re ours put them into storage and left. Stayed with my dad for 13 weeks and finally got a beautiful home of our own. I bought my daughter two pet bunnies I’d been promising her for ages , we’ve got a beautiful little garden where I’ve planted lots of beautiful flowers and plants. I’ve made the house exactly what I wanted ( with ALOT of help from my parents , of which I wouldn’t of been able to do anything ) ex partner wouldn’t help in anyway , even took my car from me. But everything I have now is mine. I started a little cleaning company with my friend. It wasn’t easy. It’s still not easy. I struggle desperately with my mental health and sharing contact ( which is limited ) but the peace. I sleep at night. I wake up and sit in my lovely little kitchen with my daughter having breakfast and feel blessed and grateful. I realise after re reading how awful everything was. When you’re in it , it’s different and I was scared. I struggle with a lot of trauma from everything that has happened . And there’s been times where I’ve been in a really dark place , but we are out - me, my older daughter and my youngest. Plus I’ve continued a relationship with his son and his mother , and made a close friend in her. He’s in AA & believes all the treatment is down to drinking , I have other options of this.
some of the comments reading back on my post were quite harsh - until you’ve been in an abusive relationship you don’t realise how are it is to leave. Especially when you have nothing and feel like a burden or no where to turn too. Turns out im
not a burden … and I did have places to turn to and help. I just needed to ask. Thank you to everyone whi commented … even the harsh ones lol.