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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So confused, any advice welcomed

15 replies

optimistmumm · 18/11/2023 18:57

I've been casually seeing my fwb/bf/situationship for a year. He spends every night with me. He hasn't told anyone we're seeing each other, my family/friends know.

He will spoon and touch me affectionately in bed with or without sex but does not kiss me. We have kissed during sex before but not for months. He hugs me goodbye, doesn't really touch me unless we are in bed.

The sex can be good, he isn't selfish in that regard, but I'm often left feeling empty afterwards. The lack of affection and avoiding kissing is becoming an issue for me. tmi, he prefers to finish in my mouth every time. I have birth control and he's not worried he'll get me pregnant. I think he prefers to have sex in positions where he can't see my face or be close enough to kiss and it's shit.

I asked him if he likes other positions and he said yeah he does, do I want to write down exactly how I want it and we'll do that? What sort of answer is that??

If you made it this far, thanks for reading!

OP posts:
Redrose23 · 18/11/2023 18:59

I’m not really sure what you’re expecting from a “friend with benefits”, isn’t the whole point that you’re using each other for sex?

Mari9999 · 18/11/2023 19:08

@optimistmumm
Perhaps the 2 of you have a different definition of FWBs.
Affection generally is not a necessary part of that arrangement. Maybe he is setting up a barrier to a certain level of intimacy because he is concerned that you are expecting things that are not on the table.

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 18/11/2023 19:13

You say he spends every night with you....is it possible he's needing somewhere to live? Where is his home when he's not with you?

optimistmumm · 18/11/2023 19:14

We never said we were fwb and over time he's started to do things that partners do.

OP posts:
optimistmumm · 18/11/2023 19:15

This makes sense

OP posts:
optimistmumm · 18/11/2023 19:16

He does have a place he was living with family and still goes there but stays with me. He says I can ask for a night off if I do t want him around

OP posts:
Redrose23 · 18/11/2023 19:17

You said he is you Fwb/bf/ situationship

so it sounds like it began in a very casual way, and he obviously believes you were on the same page with that? Doing things that partners do doesn’t mean he feels that romantic affection for you, as your relationship was based on no strings sex and friendship. Maybe it’s time to share how you feel and see where his head is at with it?

GentlemanJay · 18/11/2023 19:19

I've had friends with benefits. They didn't stop every night.

Do you have bad breath? Plausible answer. Ask him. Straight out.

Other than that he's not emotionally into you but enjoys the sex and your company.

swimsong · 18/11/2023 19:20

fwb/bf/situationships are not every night. They are less than once week.

Mari9999 · 18/11/2023 19:21

@optimistmumm
If he has not introduced you to anyone in his family or friends orbit and no one knows about you, that is pretty much what partners do not do. Why is he hiding you and from whom in particular.

It sounds as though he is using your home as a shelter and paying the fee in sexual compensation.

DNLove · 18/11/2023 19:26

Sorry, what?? Every time he comes he does so in your mouth? No kissing or non sexual intimacy but he stays with you every night. So many f'ed up bits in this situation. End this BS now. You could be missing out on the love of your life while being this weirdos cum bucket. Apologies for the straight (blunt/crude) talking but this is all so wrong.

spookehtooth · 18/11/2023 20:02

Tell him what you want, if he won't provide then bin it. Or perhaps, if you want it to be FWB then decide on your terms for that arrangement. Frequency etc.

Honestly, though, I see his response to your different positions for sex and just see a waste of space. That's the response of someone who wants everything on his terms, and your description of where he cums indicates that too. I don't see any examples, of anything, happening on your terms

optimistmumm · 18/11/2023 20:05

Thanks for all the responses everyone, definitely taking it on board

OP posts:
dragonfly19 · 18/11/2023 20:12

OP, it sounds very much like he's using you for sex and accommodation. Anyone deserves better. 🤗

Hibiscrubbed · 18/11/2023 22:00

You are the physical embodiment of board and lodgings. He’s totally using you. I’m sorry.

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