Help please :(

[LydiaRebecca14]

I’m 31. 3 children (mum since I was 16)
Ages 13,12,5
The two eldest are from a previous young relationship whose dad I am best friends with.
My 5 year old… I left his dad 2 years ago due to domestic violence. (Narcissist) I cried for 6 years, pregnancy with my son was awful. Anyway, I finally left him when my boy was 3. Women’s Aid moved me and the kids an hour out the city for safety we left our friends, family everything. Moved all the schools. It was so hard. Our house didn’t even have flooring. It was an old shell. Really started from ground zero.
We have a court order now for our son so that’s resolved.

So here I am, domestic abuse survivor, I HAD to leave a man I deeply loved. For my kids.
New house, new area, no family or friends. Just us.
6 months ago… I met a new man. Totally on the off chance. After telling myself I was totally done with males forever. We bumped into each other multiple times in my new area and we just laughed so much & really hit it off.
He’s everything my son’s dad wasn’t.
Kind, bubbly, pro active, generous.
He is 46, great job, NO kids, his own home. He’s a dream to most.

I’m about 6 weeks that’s all but all I’ve done is cry. I lay in bed as much as I can and sob into my sheets. I’ve not told the kids they don’t need to know. I’ve kept it to myself. My new man is over the moon and would love to be a dad but says he’ll support whatever I chose…

I just feel:
Stupid. I’ve ruined our fresh start.
Guilty on my 5 year old boy. He is my baby and I have this awful guilt that the new baby is with someone new? Weird I know. And I don’t want him to think he’s not my baby anymore.
I’ve felt so poorly the last two weeks. Extreme sick & tired which is making me so miserable.
I’ve been horrible to the new man and pushed him away (hormones) yet he still makes sure I’m ok.

Or…. Has the universe sent me a fairytale and everything my heart wishes for when I was in an awful relationship. I use to pray and ask for my husband to come etc. now look I’m a mess!
Am I taking a beautiful opartunity for granted???

What makes it worse is….
I’ve always tried to be close to my mum but she’s never been interested. She’s not a bad person but she’s never made the effort. I’ve always dreamed of sitting with her with a tea and having a woman chat. I’ve asked her and she just doesn’t. I’ve asked her why she doesn’t want be in Floods of tears and she says I should have been a nicer child? I’ve accepted she doesn’t want me and just loves me from a distance but times like this you need a strong woman that loves you & I don’t have one which is why I’m here!!
Any thoughts & advice welcome xxx

Don't look to people who cause you pain to heal your pain.

It's not going to happen.
I'm sorry.

She cannot be what you want her to be.
Infact...she doesn't even seem like a nice person.
Perhaps if she had never been in your life, you'd have picked a nicer partner.

It's nice that the new guy seems nice but...bare in mind, many abusers do in the beginning. Not saying he is one but considering it's very common to leave one abusive relationship and end up in another, I want to ask you, what work you've done since leaving the last guy before dating again that would help keep you safe from meeting a similar man?

Spent lots of time reading up on how to spot abuse? Done the freedom program? Has therapy? Promised yourself never to rush into anything in future? (Never trust a 'whirlwind').

You're not trapped...but I would see about aborting. You hardly know this man. Don't have a baby with him. Take control of your life back again and handle it. Otherwise you are taking a mad unnecessary risk. And more importantly, inflicting this risk on your other kids.

Mistakes happen. But you have agency to fix them.

Six weeks is not a child. It's not even a pea.

And no, I'm not saying she should judge him based on her ex. I'm pointing out that statistically, abuse victims often end up with other abusers if they haven't taken the time single and done the self work and learning.

It happens time and time again.

And what sort of life would a child have woth parents who barely knew eachother when they were conceived? Potentially a difficult one. Potentially even an abusive one.

Op has children already. Actual live children. It's them she needs to consider. Having another baby with someone she barely knows puts them at risk.

There are often threads on here by women who met a man, fell in love, became pregnant within a few months...

They're not posting because they're living the fairytale. They're posting because they barely knew him and, before the baby is even born, cracks are beginning to show. His true self is presenting.

The fact that this man is seemingly so happy after such a short time is actually a big red flag to me. He doesn't seem to grasp the enormity of it. The commitment. The impact on you; on him; on your new relationship.

With three children already and the history you've had, I would not be considering bringing another child into the world until I was much further down the line and the new man had proven his worth and himself to be a good man, a good partner and a good father figure to the children you already have.

In your shoes, I wouldn't consider continuing with the pregnancy. And I can say that becaise I had a similar doffocupt decision too make many years ago. And I made it. Never once have I regretted it. Regretted that it was necessary, yes, but never once doubtted myself or the decision I made.

As I read someome post on a very similar thread to this earlier in the year, just becaise you are pregnant does not mean you have to have a baby.

Absolutely agree with pp about it being a red flag he is happy to continue with the pregnancy.

That's not normal from a new partner. I'd be stressed as fuck if I got someone pregnant a few months in. Yes I'd make it clear it was their decision but I'd also make it clear I didn't want to have a baby with someone I'd not known long.
(No one sane would).

He's either as pp suggested, someone who thinks he won't have to be very involved (probably a mysoginist who thinks babies are women's work) OR...controlling, so, happy you're pregnant as a baby would make you easier to control.

Out of interest...who supplied the condoms in this new relationship? I'd even be wondering if some tampering had gone on.
Because something is absolutely 'off' with anyone who is totally cool with getting a new partner pregnant.

Look, I came out of a very abusive 12 year relationship, and into one that I was unsure of with a guy I only had friend feelings for deep down. I soon realised it was the wrong move and broke up with him. I then discovered I was pregnant. I had nothing, my previous relationship left me in a place where I was young and had invested my whole life in that guy, I left with my few possessions and this was a horrendous situation for me to have gotten into. I had all kinds of thoughts. Ultimately I will be forever grateful that I made a pact to chose my baby, not matter what the future held. She is 9 years old now and the absolute light of my life. I rebuilt my life in a pretty amazing way, and I often think about what would have been if she wasn’t in this world. My previous comment was deleted because it didn’t align with others perspectives on the decision put before this lady, but she’s asked for advice on what should be a place of free speech and varying perspectives. Think carefully about the decision you make, it IS early days with this guy. So far you have no concerns, of course you can’t be sure if the future, in fact none of us can whether we’ve been with someone 3 months or 30 years. You have pregnancy hormones at the moment and don’t feel particularly secure, but I hope you find the inner strength to make the decision for you, not for the Mumsnet crowd.

As for those who consider him weird/ a misogynist etc, pffffft, they don’t even know him. He could be delighted because he loves kids and didn’t think he’d ever be a father at his age- that’s very likely. Secondly he could really feel you have what it takes to go the distance. My child’s father is an amazing father and even though we aren’t together we coparenting brilliantly. He was similar in that he didn’t think he’d get to be a father and just adores his daughter so much.

Thanks for replies..

Red rose you are right. He has no family left and been quite alone in the world. So the thought of having a child if his own, which would give him a family again was amazing to him x

It's too soon. Too soon for a baby with him, for this man to be in your children's lives and for him to be a permanent fixture in yours. This is especially so given your history.

I'm concerned you hardly know him, just randomly met him.

Have you checked him out? Some social media research, police disclosures, asked around the area?

This guy could be genuinely great but you don't know yet. This is the honeymoon period and not reality.

If you want absolute honesty then I would terminate and go to therapy if you haven't already because this is not a good choice to make at this point in yours and your children's lives.

Your post was likely deleted because you referred to abortion as k*lling.

Your situation is also different from the op. She already has children. And, an abusive ex to deal with.

Plus...this new guy might not be the sort of person anyone should tie herself to with a child.

It's s great that it worked out for you. But it would be a huge risk for op. Ultimately the decision is hers but I think it foolhardy to advise people to take dangerous risks just because you did and things worked out.

“It's too soon. Too soon for a baby with him, for this man to be in your children's lives and for him to be a permanent fixture in yours. This is especially so given your history.

I'm concerned you hardly know him, just randomly met him.

Have you checked him out? Some social media research, police disclosures, asked around the area?

This guy could be genuinely great but you don't know yet. This is the honeymoon period and not reality.

If you want absolute honesty then I would terminate and go to therapy if you haven't already because this is not a good choice to make at this point in yours and your children's lives.”

This. Painful as it is - it would have been irresponsible to choose to have a baby with this man at this point and I think it would be irresponsible to have this baby now. Your children don’t need the upheaval. They also don’t need you tied to a man who is still a relative stranger and who might be problematic. The fact that you’ve got unexpectedly pregnant at such an early stage of the relationship suggests to me that you’re quite vulnerable and easily taken advantage of. It’s okay to decide that this is not the right thing for you or your children (who are most important here).

@LydiaRebecca14
You haven't known this man long enough to know what kind of man that he is, and he hasn't know you long enough to know what kind of person that you are.Bringing a child into the world is a big responsibility and should involve some serious discussing and planning.

It is your decision, but please base it upon something more than he seems like a nice man.

Yes I referred to it as a child, I thought Mumsnet was a place for free speech, not a liberal vent centre. Everyone on here basing her decision to abort the child based on how well she knows this man, what he may potentially be like, with zero evidence he is anything like her ex anyway, but really that’s besides the point. She’s pregnant now, to abort is a huge and life changing decision and that decision shouldn’t be made based on her relationship with this man anyway!!! To delete is often easier for people who find it difficult to face the way others think about the situations or to face the actual fact that to abort means ending a life. You should be sturdier than that, if you don’t like it scroll on by, you don’t need to engage in censorship just because you don’t like the way somebody expresses something that is factual. For the poster above, I was also in an abusive relationship. Yes it did work out, although I couldn’t see ahead at the time and had physical injuries and emotional ones to contend with, I didn’t know whether I’d be able to even be a mother. You don’t know somebody’s situation when faced with this decision, I’m speaking from a place of understanding, and sharing that I will never ever regret my child, in fact my life would be very different without her. Let people share before OP makes a decision. It’s not a light decision

If you keep your pregnancy you’re not just involving this new man, whom you barely know, in a baby’s life you’re involving him in your other children’s lives too. Am I right your older two are girls? A man you barely know being invited into your family with two teen/tween girls? And he doesn’t seem bothered you’re pregnant? I see a lot of red flags. You do know that some men target vulnerable women because they are interested in their children? And you are a very vulnerable woman.
Please contact Women's Aid again, about the freedom programme, counselling, and some research on this man ‘s background as I think you could be putting your other kids at risk.

I agree with this @LydiaRebecca14 just because someone sounds too good to be true does NOT mean they’re not genuine. My husband (when we met) sounds similar in age and status to your man and he honestly was and is THE most lovely, decent and genuine man ever. We didn’t think I would be able to conceive but he was reassuring that he was delighted with the ones we’d have as he felt it a privilege to help support and parent my two- without overstepping. We have two of our own and he honestly is just so grateful every day for them as he didn’t think his life was going to include having a family and although he’d kind of made peace with that I think he just feels “wow” about it all still.
That said, you DO need some support and guidance @LydiaRebecca14 - and sadly your mum is not the person for it. Could you have a google and see if anywhere runs a Freedom course locally? Or perhaps get back in touch with woman’s aid and ask if the have a counselling or befriending service just so you have someone neutral to help you get a chance to chat and reflect? You mention feeling guilty for your five year old, but many children are siblings before then and I wonder why it is so important to you that they are your “baby”? Could your ex ex (the girls dad) be of help to chat to? Sending you some 💐 and a ☕️ as it sounds like you’re struggling a bit right now. Deep breaths, you have come so far and overcome so much- you can do this next step whatever direction it goes. Get some support and try to listen to and be kind to yourself.

Am I taking a beautiful opartunity for granted???

Definitely not this. You've got three kids to prioritise and need to start taking responsibility for your choices. You didn't want a relationship or another baby, yet here you are. The tears say everything - you don't want this and you've got choices, much more straightforward at only weeks. Personally (and others will disagree) I wouldn't have told the guy I was pregnant and just dealt with it. He's 46 with no DC for a reason, and very strong likelihood he's not prime dad/stepdad material, not least having zoned in on a significantly younger mum of three with more than enough on her plate.

I second the PP about doing the Freedom Programme, and urge you to listen to those gut instincts that have you crying about this prospect rather than the fantasy you're grasping at. You've been through enough to know life is not a fairytale. If this guy is a good one, he'll understand what's best for you and your kids and he'll still be around in a few years time when you'd still be able to have another DC, if that was your choice. But get yourself and your existing DC settled first and on a much more stable footing all round. Your beautiful opportunity is to make a go of this new home and have some control over your future, not surrender to fate again then deal with the fallout.

The difference for the OP is that she has three existing children already who've recently had to flee abuse and now need time to settle.

If she didn't have those children my response would likely gave been different.

Her situation is in no way comparable to yours.

Again, this is not the positive you see it as.

Again, this is not the positive you see it as.

Exactly. You're not here to give this gift to him. No man is a dream. It's extremely early days and I can already see huge issues if he had this 'child of his own' which would be treated very differently to your three existing DC. That alone is off-putting, without all the other considerations. Please stay clear-eyed and not get swept up in the romantic fantasies, that won't end well.

I've heard enough now. Thanks everyone. Came here for understanding. Not lectures. I feel like a small stupid child now rather than a woman in difficulty. I can assure you all, I am not vulnerable. I'm very smart due to life experiences. My abortion pills come Tuesday. Thanx.

”He’s 46 with no DC for a reason” - what a thing to say! Wow! Assuming loads there without knowing someone aren’t you?

Well, indeed there will be a reason, whatever it is. But OP has heard enough and made her decision so let's leave it be.