Leave or Stay - Marriage

[Lilacgazelle]

I (40F) have been married to DH (44M) for 8 years, together 10 with 1 DC under 5. I love my DH but am not “in love” with him, at least I don’t think I am anymore.
He’s a good man, but over the last 12-24months I have started to become more aware of our incompatibilities (perhaps due to spending more time with a male friend…nothing physical!).
To list a couple of things, my DH is a glass half empty person whereas I am the complete opposite, this negativity can rub off on all of us. He is lazy, he will do things when asked but lacks initiative to act on anything that need doing in our day to day lives. He lacks ambition. We are not in a sexless marriage, passionate yes. I don’t enjoy it but still engage because I’m a physical person, he is good looking, I’ve just lost my desire for him. Our arguments are increasing, at least 2 a week now.
I feel I should continue working hard at this, for our DC mostly. I know I should, but I can’t seem to act on it. Can you get over the lack of intimacy or reverse the build up in resentment? Would love to hear any stories from those that have left or stayed.

It doesn’t sound like you are working hard at it. If you want to make a decision like this then get some counselling individually or as a couple. Otherwise this will descend into more arguing and affairs.

Both of you owe you child something better than this. If he “won’t” then you should.

It sounds like you could be idealising this male friend you mention which is making you focus only on the negatives in your husband. Did your feelings for your husband start to change before or after you started spending more time with your male friend? It doesn’t have to be physical to damage your marriage. I have recently split up from my husband (my decision) and it’s shockingly hard and painful so be really careful before you make any major decisions.

Why should you continue to work hard at this when you are really flogging a dead horse here. Trying to revive what is really a dead marriage on your own (and supposedly for the children’s sake too) is an impossible task. Staying for the sake of the children is a statement that often does not stand up to scrutiny.

Is he willing to work on it too?

The problem I had in my marriage towards the end was that for all the work I was willing to do, he did fuck all and that just made the resentment snowball.

@Lilacgazelle
It does not sound as though either of you are making any effort on working towards improving the relationship. Perhaps, some woman at his employment site has talked to this attractive, gainfully employed man and envisions him in much the same way that you are envisioning your husband. All of this perfection likely exist in the eye of the beholder as opposed to the actual person.

Be honest with yourself. It sounds as though both of you may be willing to throw in the towel but need to blame the other .

It’s the “male friend” that is clouding your judgement. Your post is a lot of waffle around the fact that, actually, you’ve met someone else you find attractive. Frankly, you sound like a man! Trying to maximise the bad points of your “d”h to justify what you WANT to do, but know is wrong, moving forward. Give your head a wobble. If you don’t want to be with your husband then leave, you don’t need permission, if it’s not working, get out. But, really, don’t do it by getting involved with someone else. It’s seedy and shit and, at the end of the day, you will never feel good about yourself if you do. If you want out, do it respectfully and go. If you don’t want out but just fancy a bit of “cake eating” on the side? That’s shit too. Book therapy.