How do you know you definitely need to separate?

[PatButchersEarring]

..just that really.

I think I might be at the end of the road with my partner..but we've been here before and come back from the brink.

He doesn't want to separate, but is currently accepting that it's probably going to happen. He's currently saying he'll get counselling for anger management, drinking too much etc.

Thing is for me, it's too little too late. I feel anxious around him. No violence, or 'abuse' as such, but low level tetchiness for extended periods and an inability to deal with anyone else's emotions...resulting in big overreactions to kids less than great behaviour, lack of joining in silliness and recently he told me I was being 'aggressive' because I was telling him (animatedly) that I had been upset by something that our daughter had done. That evening he shouted at me to 'fuck off to bed.'

He has periods of being great. But they don't last and I'm haunted by previous times that he's been..frankly horrible (imo).

I'm regularly upset by him...but maybe it's me? Perhaps I'm too easily upset? And I'm scared. Scared of managing on my own. Scared of being lonely. Scared of screwing up the kid's childhoods. But I'm also scared of what I'm modelling to them..that said, on the surface at least, we are cordial and function ok mostly.

Scared and confused.

I didnt read past you saying he's looking get counselling for anger management and drinking.

Reason enough. Whether he gets the counselling or not doesn't matter. Don't waste your life waiting about for things to possibly get better. He's stalling you.

You've endured enough. Good luck x

Of course he does not want to separate as he is now seeing the gravy train he’s been on with you come to an end. You likely as well carry most if not all the mental load in and around this household.

Look at actions, not words. He’s likely telling you what you want to hear re he seeking anger management (that is no answer to domestic violence which is really what you are describing) and counselling for drinking etc but I would think that as of today he’s done nothing. He will continue to do nothing also because you carry and otherwise enable him.

He is abusive towards you and you’ve likely become inured to his abuses of you and in turn your kids who are hearing their dad shout at you, sound travels and they cannot get away from this crap that happening in their home, it’s certainly not the sanctuary it should be for them.

You have a choice re this man, they do not. Find the courage within you now to make the break permanent. Your kids will thank you for doing so, use all resources like Women’s Aid available to you.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Your children certainly need to learn this.

You’re lonely now within this relationship as he provides you with no love or comfort at all. Better to be on your own with your kids than to remain this badly accompanied. He may well have led you to believe that you’re nothing without him but you will go on thrive without him. At least you won’t have him shooting at you, “ fuck off to bed “ at you any longer. Btw your kids likely heard him shout this at you as well.

I knew I was done when I felt absolutely indifferent. Like I'd built a wall around myself and whatever he did had no impact on me.

If a policeman had knocked on the door and said he'd been found dead I wouldn't have cared, I would have been relieved. If I found out he was having an affair (wouldn't have been the first time) I wouldn't care.

And then I realised I'd built the wall for myself but our DD was still being exposed to his drunken outbursts and rants at me and that was it. Game over.

Of course the begging for "one last chance" came as usual, but that last time I was just done, it was like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders.

6 years on I am the happiest I've ever been. I live life on my terms. I don't ever walk on eggshells, my money is my own and I don't have to consider and overgrown man child. I've been in another relationship for 3 years but I'll never live with another man. I'm the Queen of my castle.

For me, it was when my 13 year old DD came and asked me why I was still married to him. I realised that although I thought we'd kept things away from the kids they were absolutely aware of our arguing and it was affecting them.

2 weeks after asking DH to move out he went back to his birth country. He visits a couple of times a year, and provides no financial support. The kids and I are the happiest we have been in a long time.

It's not easy being a single parent but it's easier than trying to parent with someone who undermines your every decision.

You haven't come back from the brink in the past though have you, because you're back there now.

Personally I'm of the opinion that if you're thinking about separating, then you're probably at the point where you should separate. I've been with DP for 17 years and we've been through some really rough patches, but I've never thought to myself "My life would be better without this person in it". I think once you get to that point, you're probably going to be right about it.