Advice from anyone who has been to Relate or similar

[wednesdaymorning]

I've recently found out that my dh has been having an affair. It might have been just an emotional affair which he admits to or I suspect it may have gone further. We have 3 dc and I am currently pregnant with dc4. He is full of remorse,says he can't believe he was so stupid and that he is scared that he is going to lose us. He has said that he is willing to go for counselling if that is what I want to do. I'm thinking about it but don't really know what happens and am somehow worried that one way or another I will end up being blamed for what has happened. Has anyone else been and if so what happened and was it helpful.

Go for counselling. You won't get over this and move forward if you don't.

It probably will be painful, but please stick it out - it will be worth it.

Poor you - what a nightmare. I'm so sorry youre dealing with this, especially while pregnant as well.

Yes, I went with now ex_DH some years ago although circumstances were bit different (he'd also admitted to an affair) in that I probably left it too late - I had already made my mind up that I wanted the marriage to end. In our case the affair was a symptom of our bad marriage, rather than the cause, IFSWIM.

Despite that, Relate really helped us both find some sort of closure and some years later (I'm now remarried) we're still the best of friends, see each other socially, speak on the phone several times a week etc. Without Relate there would have been a lot of bitterness. It is a very painful process, and our counsellor didn't do much talking - sat and watched us go through things - in a way I would have found it easier if she had led the sessions a bit more.

Ultimately, whatever happens to your marriage, you have to be sure in yourself that you gave it your best shot and tried everything you could so there are no regrets further down the line.

I don't think that I want us to split up. I'm very shocked and hurt because I had no idea what was going on and found out completely by accident. I knew our marriage was not as good as it could have been because we've both been under a lot of pressure for the last year from work and extended family problems. I can't see how I'm going to move on. I don't even want to look at him and freeze when he tried to kiss me goodbye. I had no idea he would do something like this.

We went to Relate last year, and it was the best thing we could've done.

There was no affair involved, but our marriage had been so bad during the previous 2 years and I felt an incredible amount of blame and animosity towards him.

I didn't think I'd be able to get past it. But as the sessions wore on, I found myself less angry at him. Nothing concrete happened, it just sort of lifted slowly, but surely.

It definitely taught us how to communicate better. Our councillor was briiliant, but if you're not happy with yours, be sure to ask for a different one.

Although my dh really was to blame for just about everything wrong in our marriage, there were things I did wrong. The way I spoke to him or the way I handled things, which the councilling helped us with.

We were also very good at leaving the problems in the councilling room and not dragging it out when we're not there. I think that helped, though your situation may be different.

Go for it. At least you can say you've tried everything if it doesn't work out in the end. And you're dh wants to go which is a good sign. Good luck xx

From what I've read elsewhere on MN and through friends etc this is definately something that can be recovered from, but it will take a long long time. He's broken your trust, and needs to earn it back; neither of you can expect things to be normal, physically or otherwise, for some time.
I really think Relate would help you to talk through your feelings, and for your H to start to understand how he's made you feel.

I know what you mean - I am just 4 months further on from you. My dh had been in a full affair for over 6 months when I found out and I was totally shocked - couldn't believe he would do such a thing.
It is the lack of trust that will now hit hard.
Please do go to counselling - If you dont there will be a lot of bitterness and things unsaid that should be said.
Relate can have a long waiting list though - we went for our assessment over 10 weeks ago and are still waiting for an appointment!
We couldn't wait so looked in yellow pages and found a private (and qualified) Relationship Counsellor living nearby that could see us immediately. She has been good so far but we still have a long way to go.
Good Luck and try to stay strong. Try and do some things just for you x

i am a counsellor and can assure you that you will not be blamed for anything. A counsellor really provides a space for you to talk and know you will not be judged. I would definitely give it a go. It may well be hard for both of you but could go a long way to saving your marriage.

Thank you all for getting back to me. The thing is that I don't think things were bad enough for us to just walk away, especially when this is going to have a tremendous effect on our dc and I don't want to put them through that. I'm very surprised that he did this at the first hurdle though. I do know that his father had at least one affair and possibly others because a family member let slip one day but I don't know that he's aware of the similarities in their behaviour.

Moopymoo, can you tell me a bit more about what happens at these kind of counselling sessions, how long they go on for and what they might cost.

Wendnesday, I think they asked us how much we could pay and we settled on £45 per session (usually once a week). It was a bit steep, but cheaper than a divorce.

And very worth it in the end.

Our councellor would ask us what the problem was and it would all just happen from there. Some sessions, she'd have something specific she wanted us to work through, that she had picked up from a previous session.

She did listen a lot, but also pointed things out that one or the other had missed.

So sorry you are going through this, I know exactly how tou feel.
DH had an 'emotional' affair when I was pg with DD3, we went to Relate.

TBH it was more useful for DH than for me but it helped us through what was a very difficult time. You are asked to make a contribution towards the cost of the session. The first session invovles getting some background information abpout you,DH, your marriage and why you want counselling.

We had quite a long wait in between this frist session and our actual counselling. We then had about 6 sessions.

Thanks pedilia, I've been looking at the Relate website and think we might go for this. I don't know what else to do and can't see any other way of improving things. In general the view seems to be that it would be helpful to go. I'll speak to him about it when he gets in tonight.

Wednesday, as wonky said, there is often a sliding scale of fees. The sessions generally last 50mins and can continue for as long as agree between you all. This may vary depending on the setting. Relate is a great organisation, but not the only one that offers couples counselling. It maybe that someone could offer sessions sooner if there is a big waiting list. look at BACP for registered organisations and counsellors. some charities offer free or cheap counselling in certain areas - i volunteer at a womans centre for eg.

We used Relate after I confessed my affair to my husband. It was about £35/session and that was in outer London, though it took 2 months to get the appointment time we needed.

Like so many, the affair was a sign the relationship was in trouble, rather than the cause of the trouble. I think Relate helped us at the time and we did decide to stay together. My husband finally took some responsibility for the emotional and physical neglect and admitted that I wasn't a 'nympho' just because I wanted to have sex more than once a month! (This in our first two years of marriage, no kids).

Even though now, 3 years later, we are divorcing, I'm not sorry we went. Before you divorce you should be really sure that the relationship can't be/isn't worth saving. I know I did everything I could, and he just wasn't the right person for me.

One thing I remember, at the first session she asked us if we were here to a) stay together/improve our marriage, b) explore whether we wanted to stay together, or c) learn how to split up amicably. I chose b and he chose a. We did other exercises like writing down what we admired about each other, etc. I found it a positive experience and I hope you will too.

Funnily enough I attended an initial Relate session today (with xp - don't ask).

It went quite well in fact the counsellor pointed out that he kept cutting across me and giving 'his' viewpoint on where we'd gone wrong as a couple and he should give me time to express myself. He also was shocked when the counsellor noted down that him destroying his mobile phone after a row with me, could be classified as domestic violence. He also picked up on the fact we've both got issues around our mothers!!

I actually feel quite vindicated to a certain extent now as most of what I've been saying and feeling for the past few months, was picked up by the counsellor even though I didn't say much unless addressed directly (I burst into tears when he asked me if I ever had suicidal thoughts ). I do have certain issues of my own to address which have bugged xp for months - it's not all one-sided. I may have initial euphoria, I do have some work to do myself but at the moment, I feel as though I'm on the right path .

Although I do hope that I don't have to wait long for the sessions proper to start if we go ahead.

my DP and i have been having problems for years, exacerbated by having a baby 18 months ago. we finally went to a relate counsellor a few months ago, which didn't work out particularly well and we didn't go back. Faced with having another go at it or breaking up, we (I) found someone else - not through relate - and we went for our first session last week. it was incredible - there has been no affair, but a creeping animosity between us, like sharing a house with someone you secretly hate. the therapist was great at helping DP see how 'unhelpful' his behaviour could be in (passive aggressive) - which he would never have accepted if it wasn't coming from a 'professional', and i was also surprised to hear point out some of my own failings (moi?). Basically, it's a good place to talk as there's someone there to keep the talking useful, and point out what's actually going on beneath the surface(ie a row over the supermarket shop is actually a struggle to be heard / loved / taken care of, or whatever).
The point is, you've got kids, so you need to feel that you've made every effort. Give counselling a go - either it will help you stay together or it will help you to feel more at ease with the knowledge that you're not meant to be - and hopefully make any separation less bitter.

either way, it's never going to be the wrong thing to do.