Handling negativity

[OnlyLove321]

Does anybody have any tips on dealing with negative people? Typically I’d stay away from these but as they are ILs I can’t :) each time we see them they complain about literally everything- politics, broken Britain, all their other family members (even babies!), work, how much they envy our generation (millennials).

DH is supportive of me and we limit the amount of time we spend with them but we can’t/don’t want to cut them out of our lives. He says this is just how they have always been and won’t change this late in life, and I agree.

So basically please post your tips on dealing with negative people- currently I’m pretty quiet around them, offer a few “mmms” and try to change the subject (though this doesn’t always work as they then start to complain about the new subject).

Jolly them along and be relentlessly sunny in return?

Them: Oh Britain today ...
You: Yeah, it's all doom and gloom but hopefully change soon. Isn't this cup of tea good? Looks like the weather is going to be better at the weekend.."

re your comments in quotemarks:
"Does anybody have any tips on dealing with negative people? Typically I’d stay away from these but as they are ILs I can’t"

May I ask why?. Of course you can stay away from them. You are an adult herre with agency. Is this also because you perhaps fear your H's reaction if you told him?. There is no law to state that you have to spend any amount of time with negative people, even if they happen to be your inlaws. Cultural mores or norms do not apply either. Also if you have children they will in time pick up on their grandparents negative views. You would also in turn be showing them their grandparents views are acceptable to you on some level.

"DH is supportive of me and we limit the amount of time we spend with them but we can’t/don’t want to cut them out of our lives".

Again why?. Keep lowering the amount of time you at all spend with them.

"He says this is just how they have always been and won’t change this late in life, and I agree."

Your H is key here. He is correct but his inertia when it comes to his parents hurts him as much as you. Does he never call them out on their behaviour either?. It sounds like he is in the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) re them as much as you.

Let's face it, it's pretty hard to be positive in this world nowadays. Maybe try not to be so dismissive and understand that a lot of people are really struggling now with day to day living costs, a crumbling health service that isn't helping the sick as it should, an incompetent government and nations at war. If you want to be in denial about these things then good luck to you, but it's not easy for many of us.

Truly negative people are I think fairly rare - but IME an absolute killer!

I spent a short holiday with one such person. It was hideous and every minute felt like torture. It’s not just moaning though, it’s something visceral that actually feels blood-sucking or parasitic

I think a negative person somehow sucks the joy and lifeblood out of you. I think this is different from people who just complain sometimes etc which is normal!! (though there is some cross over, I think the negative person’s complaining is much more passive and covert).

All I could think of the whole holiday was how can I get away from this person. I’ve never experienced anything like it.

Being superficial and relentlessly sunny and upbeat, sounds a possible response, as another poster suggests. Seeing them as little as possible for a shorter time as possible is another. Letting your DH see them most, and keep your appearances to a minimum also seems fair. After all they are his parents not yours.

My parents are like this. I call them quarterly and have seen them twice in a decade. It's the only way,

OP- take a look at the book emotional vampires by Albert J Bernstein- it gives lots of great advice on how to deal with people like this who drain you dry.

Noone is saying people cant express worries or concerns- thats totally normal. However, there is a huge difference between people simply expressing concerns and people who literally thrive on negativity and everything that comes out of their mouths is critical, negative and designed to drag everyone and everything down. Those people are utterly exhausting and they really do affect your mental health. If you cant limit your time with them then read up on strategies on how to respond to them.

Your h can conduct a relationship with them without your input. They are his parents and you're not joined at the hip. He can see them on his own can't he?
You can go along if you feel it's appropriate but duck out with your own plans when you simply cba. Even if your own plans are simply self-care by not going.
There's no obligation for you to see them on the regular.

We find that DH's parent's (who can be similar - main MO is badmouthing other people) are almost fine for the first 30 minutes or so (as long as we don't see them too often) and we can keep things good for that long by sharing positive things in the community or our lives/making tea. It is all very superficial - we never tell them anything of substance. I guess we shiny grey rock them.

After 45 minutes though - wow - it is like a floodgate is opened and out comes the shit-stirring and nasty comments. We try to leave or usher then out before this point. DH tolerates them much less than I do so he directs this (he will openly says he doesn't like them).

Don't rise to the bait.

Enjoy the freedom to sit back and watch them rage and BP through the roof.

if they invite an opinion, don't get sucked in. It's not worth the effort. Just think "this too shall pass".

every minute felt like torture. It’s not just moaning though, it’s something visceral that actually feels blood-sucking or parasitic

Its absolutely this. This isnt normal complaining about life being hard (everyone does that from time to time and its fine). Such people criticise and moan about every tiny thing, everything is awful and unfair to them, they criticise anyone who tries to make something of their lives, everything is negative comparisons and weirdly, its always them that are the "victims". Its absolutely soul sucking and I cannot bear to be around people who do this- they're thoroughly unpleasant. I agree with a PP that its your husband who should be spending time with them- they're his parents, not yours, and I would be unavailable most of the time and only spend very limited time in their company when I absolutely had to. No more than that. If he wants to see them, he can. It doesnt mean you have to go along with him every single time!

This.

My family can be a bit like this too OP. The whinging and moaning and negativity. If I'm asked an opinion I usually say "it's awful but ranting about it doesn't change anything".

And now I'm menopausal I just say "I really don't want to get dragged down into all this negativity, I feel depressed just listening to you". That usually goes down like a lead balloon but they do perk up a bit for a while. So I wonder if it's just habit, something to talk about and get their teeth into. Makes them feel alive, or something 🙄

I was watching a youtube video the other day and this topic came up and she said "whenever someone is being negative, plan your outfits in your mind" which I thought was brilliant. It doesnt have to be outfit planning but literally anything you've got going on and need to think about, use that time when they are blathering on to think about that. Let them ramble on and in your mind be somewhere completely different and thinking about something entirely different. Typically, people who are that self absorbed dont even listen to your responses anyway as they are talking at you, not with you, so they wont even notice you arent responding or paying attention to them anyway.

Thanks all! Will give these a go!

Start comparing them to Ted Striker , the mood hoovering character from the movie airplane, they’ll soon get the message..