Not looking for sympathy

[londongal29]

I had an emotional affair which I ended as I wanted to work on the problems in my marriage that had led to this point of me being interested at all, since then the OM wife found out and messaged me asking for information which she stated she needed to "move on" and didn't want to ruin my family....
She didn't believe anything and thinks more happened and tells me to tell the truth or (enter some type of threat)
However, I really don't want to be with my H anymore anyway, we have 4 DC 2 are from a previous partner of mine and am struggling on how to end it. I am also planning on coming clean on the EA but the OM wife is messaging me with threats to tell my H do I need to respond to her? I already want to end it but this is pressuring me more to do it all now. Any advice welcome please on divorce, how to end it, how to even word it and what to do about the woman threatening me

I guess tell your husband that you want to end the relationship, you're sorry but you had an emotional affair that made you realise you needed to end the marriage. Tell him the whole thing. He may or may not believe you on the details, but just do the thing.

You can also tell him the wife found out and is threatening to tell him, so he's prepared if she does contact him.

Then you tell the woman you've already told him and block her.

Report the woman who's threatening you. Tell the truth to all parties.

It is hard to know as we don't know what the specific issues are in your marriage that are making you want to end it, but I guess just be as honest as you can while also being kind? As you have kids with him it is best to try and stay as amicable as possible to build a good co-parenting relationship going forwards.

I am not sure whether or not you need to mention the emotional affair, given you are leaving anyway. It may just rub salt into the wound OR may help him move on - depends what kind of man he is - you know him best. You can't be certain how he will respond, but go with your best guess. Try to do what is likely to hurt him the least, I guess.

Regarding the wife of your AP, I would apologise to her but say you don't feel any good can come out of further comms with her, as you have told her everything you can, then block her if she is persisting. Her quarrel in my opinion is with her husband not you - he is the one who made her promises. (I know this is an unpopular view on this site tho, and others may be along to tell you she has every right to hate your guts.....)

Regarding her telling your husband, I guess it doesn't matter THAT much, now you are leaving anyway? If you mention that to her in your final message she may desist anyway. How easy would it be for her to tell him - does she have access to his contact details for example?

Hopefully if she knows you are leaving him anyway she won't just hurt him for no reason.

Tell your husband the truth. Report the OW if necessary.

Did you tell her you’d had a one night stand with him? This rings a bell.

No I've never said anything like that

What do you mean by report?

I just don't know how to tell him it's over I'm struggling with getting it out and now feel I have no option even if my mind swayed even a little to try and make it work again

She doesn't have contact details as far as I'm aware, social media I guess? I'd just rather be the one to tell him if it was going to come out I just need to do it when I'm ready too I think is what I mean rather than because of a threat or her telling him xx

@londongal29 to the police if necessary. She seems to be in a kind of denial, looking for reasons and answers that doesn't exist and her behaviour may vary between a nuisance to harassment.

When people discover their partners had had an affair it is like a Pandora Box opening, you don't know how they are going to react and to who they are going to blame.
If the affair is in full and recognised they may fell at least that the affair is completed. If is just emotional, like you are saying, some, as she is, may not believe it that the affair just stopped there and they will be asking for when, how, why, looking for a closure of the act.
They will be demanding information that doesn't exist because they are reluctant to believe that the affair was emotional and it didn't cross the physical barrier.

She seems to be looking for closure and to move on. She is demanding you to take full acontability of the affair. You are the baddy, her husband is a victim and she is a martyr kind of thing.
Looks to me that is the place she is stuck ATM.
If this escalate, report her and block her.

Tell your husband while you still have some control over the situation. No matter what eventually happens with your marriage, your husband finding out about your emotional affair through someone else will only serve to detonate a grenade in the middle of your life.

You've been caught, now deal with the consequences.

I agree with @Aquamarine1029 You need to step up and tell your husband before she does. Far better to be honest and tell him the truth now. Hearing it from from her, and finding it's true, will be so much worse for him, and most likely for both of you in the long run.

Honestly, the advice on here saying report a hurt wife in trauma to the police for threatening to tell her husband - jeez! As if the police don’t have enough to do!

Tell your husband, own your deceit and deception, you’re not the victim here. Tell him and get out of your unhappy marriage. If I was her, I’d have done it already!

I agree, don't report the poor wife to the police. Finding out that your husband has betrayed you sends you into an awful emotional spiral and can make you behave in an irrational way. This is your doing and the only way to make this stop is to come clean.

@Lovemychair absolutely!

It’s also the sheer stupidity of thinking the police should deal with ‘she says she’ll tell my husband’ it’s the equivalent of going to A&E for a cold. They’re understaffed and under resourced.

OP needs to block her communications, that will force this traumatised woman to address the issue with the man who is the source of the problem and then tell her own husband, especially as she wants out of the marriage anyway. It’s not that complicated.

Finding out that your husband has betrayed you sends you into an awful emotional spiral and can make you behave in an irrational way. This is your doing and the only way to make this stop is to come clean

Hurt people are not 'above the law'. If she is harassing, she needs to be reported. She's not exempt.

Is she harassing though? Block her. If she’s still finding a way then you might have a point. But really you’d honestly go to the police over this?!?

Explains why the larger problems aren’t dealt with!!!

If OP tells her husband which is what she plans to do anyway, she takes this whole issue away. Really can’t see why this one is so complicated?

@londongal29

Is she harassing you? Have you asked her to stop, and take this up with her husband, and she still keeps messaging?

I have blocked her number and she comes with another one.
I have apologised to her and explained everything as clear as I could to her from how we even began talking anyway to the ending that I felt uncomfortable and stopped it before anything got any deeper or further.
Any questions she's had I've answered throughly and every message was the "last one" and then it's like I get a week of nothing then threats to be at my door because I'm lying or she thinks I'm still in contact with her H (which I'm not and haven't been for a long time, blocked and number deleted) and then if I don't respond threats get worse and then I hear nothing for a couple of days and then it comes again with something else...

She's harassing you. You have 2 options: speak to the police or put up with it. You are not her problem, her husband is. She's unhinged. There's no point talking to her.