My mother

[WMSL]

I am approaching 50. My mother is approaching 70. She is a very strong woman who unfortunately has a tendency to scold people or in fact bully them into seeing things from her POV. Even if you don’t agree, you end up having to say you do because she’s quite vocal or it is obvious in her demeanour.
She can be absolutely lovely and is very kind and generous, she’s a laugh and lots of people love her. She’s had some friends back off over the years though because of her no nonsense take no crap nature.

As her daughter I’ve had a life time of criticisms. Many times I’ve wished someone else was my mother. I love her but sometimes I fantasise about not having to deal with her. How I could move away and have much less contact.
She’s always right. If you’re unwell she’s had it worse. If you do something she’s done it better or knows more about it. If you’re upset by something she’s done, you’re being unreasonable. If you go up against her then you are being out of order or unkind. I’m thinking I need therapy. I’m a very low confidence person and I feel some of this is years of being under her rule. I don’t feel like an adult when she’s around.

The few times I’ve stood up to her it’s gone nuclear. I don’t want to see her most of the time but do so out of duty. I don’t know what I want from posting here, just thought it may help to write it down.

She is a very strong woman

You say “strong”

I say profoundly unpleasant and rather cruel

do you have any children?

My DF is older but very similar, but add in sexist/racist. I just don’t agree with what he’s saying and move the conversation on.

Why not move away then? Do the thing you have been dreaming of.

You ought to listen to her and consider if she is right, if you do not think she is, say you prefer not to and if she does not like it, tough.

Tell her straight and then ignore that subject.

Wow , sounds like you're writing about my mum. She passed away 2 years ago but I just simply changed the way I reacted to her , when my mum didn't get the attention she wanted she backed off. I found it was a lot to do with people putting up with it .

I fantasise about not having to deal with her. How I could move away and have much less contact.

Treat yourself, do it.

Do consider reading "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward. Such inadequate parents do cause long term emotional harm to their now adult children.

Deal with your FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) that your mother has caused you through therapy. Its not your fault she is like this nor did you make her that way.
You have a choice re your mother and she will never give you the approval you perhaps still seek from her even now.

You cannot change her but you can change how you react to her.

How I could move away and have much less contact.

This OP,

Boundaries is one of the most boring words in the universe. But physical and psychological distance really does help.

She is 70. She could well live into her 90s. Help future proof your sanity and independence and start now?!

If you can get some counselling.
My MIL is exactly like this, she is now my ex MIL.
I can now go out to dinner with other people without waiting for her to find something wrong with her meal, the food, the service, the restaurant.
First time I went for dinner with my current partner I cried as it was so relaxing after 20 years of being tense.
Your mother is not strong, she is a b*tch; but you are stronger than you think and counselling will help you see that.

I am here feeling bad for writing about her this way. Feeling like I’ve made her look bad when she isnt…….however none of what I’ve said is untrue. My grandparents made her this way, they were nice grandparents mostly but when I hear about her childhood I can see how she became the way she is. My DF puts up with a lot but he loves her dearly and enables her behaviour as otherwise it ends up in an argument. Her DM was much the same however the roles were reversed as my DGM got elderly. I can’t see my DM ever allowing me to have any say over her life whatsoever. She’s going to be a very awkward old lady I can already tell.

I hope counselling may help with this. I’ve such low self esteem and suffer with anxiety.

am here feeling bad for writing about her this way. Feeling like I’ve made her look bad when she isnt

oh Op. you haven’t made her look bad

if what you say is fact - then she seems more than “bad”. she seems cruel and nasty

“a lifetime of criticism” from your mother op.

op

do you have children?

Hopefully it will help you.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles. Your father appears to be the bystander in all this and he cannot be relied upon either. He is a weak man who has acted here out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. Toxic crap often goes down the generations and its stopped with and at you.

Again it is not yuor fault she is like this and you did not make her that way; in this instance her grandparents who raised her did that.

OP I expect your DM is the reason for your poor self esteem.

As a pp has rightly said, you can't change her but you can change how you react to her.

Get that therapy and break the cycle