Different sex drive

[BlairS1996]

Hello!
I am so desperate and don know where to start. Me and my partner have been together 3 years and we have a 6 month old baby. We are young, in our twenties. Our sex is amazing, but it happened as often as I would like only in the beginning...My sex drive is definitely higher, I would easily do it everyday, but for my partner, a good week is 2-3 times. It is basically the only thing that drives us apart and makes us argue. I also have found him visiting pornography websites, when we were not doing it that often (when I was pregnant too). He never wants to discuss watching porn and calms me down, that I overreact. I am very open about it and would enjoy trying different things or watching it together. Still, it drives me nuts that all I hear and read about is that women want less sex and cannot definitely please mens needs after baby...How can we compromise? I have thought about theraphy since I even considered cheating when I was pregnant, although I would like to do it only with my partner and we have the best sex I've had. Also, we only do it, when he starts the activity. All this time he has turned me down, when I try to initiate (even if I've spent hours for makeup, hair, sex laundrey etc). Also I have been working out a lot and in the best shape since maybe high school, I also make myself pretty at home every day. What else :( I am so sad, because he is a wonderful father, but I turn into total psycho, when our sex life is once a week mostly, 2-3 times when trying for a baby or when he has a good week (rarely)....

Honestly, one, twice or three times a week is not as bad as you think.
A lot of healthy, happy couples are having sex even less than that.
I'm not trying to undermind your feelings. You seem to have a very high sex drive, which is perfectly okay. It's just unrealistic to expect your husband to want it as much as you.
You can't force him to want more sex. Imagine if this was the other way around and a man was posting his here about his wife. He would be torn to the ground for expecting more than this and saying he's considered cheating over what appears to be a healthy sex life.
Also, masturbating and having sex with a partner are not the same and do not meet the same needs.
Sex with a partner is intimate, but also requires attention for the other one's needs. Masturbation is all about you. it's a bit of me-time and self care. So just because he's watching porn and masturbating, doesn't mean he wants to have more sex with another person. It may just be his way to unwind.

Maybe you need to look at yourself for now. How are your hormone levels? Are you maybe susciptible for addiction and maybe slightly addicted to sex?
How can you meet your own sexual needs, without expecting him to step up and do that for you?

Firstly, sex 2-3 times a week isn’t particularly low when you have a baby.

it’s the watching porn INSTEAD of having sex which is an issue.

if he wasn’t watching porn and you were having sex 2-3 times a week I’d say that’s pretty normal, even high.

if he was watching porn and you had sex more than 2-3 times a week and it wasn’t impacting your sexual needs then I don’t think that’s an issue either.

but, he is watching porn, when instead he could be satisfying you more frequently - this is where the problem lies IMO

That whole thing about men always being up for it and always having higher sex drives is sexist tosh. Pretty damaging tosh at that, making men with lower libidos think they're defective.

Anyhow, that aside, if you're not having as much sex as you want, you need to take care of yourself and not put pressure on your partner if their libido doesn't match yours.

Mismatches of libido are difficult to deal with and it may be that it's an incompatibility you can't resolve, but in the scale of things a couple of times a week is pretty decent. So it's worth weighing up if you want to accept this level (but be aware that it might drop further in future years, as it doesn't tend to go the other way).

It's also a bit concerning that he never lets you initiate. What's going on with that?

However, turning into a "total psycho" if you're not getting as much sex as you'd like is abusive - and you need to seek help or potentially leave the relationship for the sake of your partner if you can't control yourself.

Is it libido or just that sex with the same person ultimately get boring?

Agreed! So right now I don't have an answer to that, because I understand it was wrong in the first place to see his phone and computer, but... I used to control him when we weren't having sex for a longer period (week or two for me :D) and I always found porn sites so yeah, he preferred it instead.. So I started to think that maybe when we had good weeks such as when we started to have sex again after child birth.. he just didn't have privacy to watch porn that often? It is hard to discuss it, because he is open and wants to get things better, but won't open up about this porn thing.

Thank you, many good thoughts! We always use sex toys so I have tried masturbating in every way, but it never takes away sex drive sadly! It rather makes me mad, that I have to do it myself and not with my partner. But thanks for ideas.

"Psycho" for me means that lets say we haven't had sex for a week and I get really emotional and I am not in a good mood then :/ We have talked about initiating and he also doesn't have an answer to that. 2 years ago he told me that it would be nice if I initiate more! So I tried a few times, waited him at home in laundrey and so on, but first thing when he saw me "dressed up" he said "Oufff not today, I am tired" or something like that! It really hurt me a lot, when i put hours of effort to look good. So tried a few times more and years after that it is always him who starts because it is the only time he wants to have sex! He is never in a mood when I start, some psychological thing - anyone knows how to deal with that?

When there is a mismatch of libidos, initiation always becomes an issue.

Think about how and when he initiates when he does it. Time of day, does it start with eye contact, a kiss, a particular kind of touch?

In general, don't do stuff that makes you feel bad or angry. Spending ages on your hair and makeup has literally zero to do with sex and if it makes you feel resentful when he sees you afterwards and turns you down, don't do it. Does he even like makeup? An awful lot of men don't, or at least don't care about it, though I have certainly come across a few who like lipstick or particular things like that. I'd find it quite pressuring if a partner got all dressed up and stood there expecting me to melt with desire - that's not initiation to me. Initiation is looking intently at me, touching me in a way that I like, saying sexy things to me above all. Sound is really important. What does he like?

It's hard when you have small children and your sex life sounds really good - twice a week is pretty great in the scheme of things, especially when it's good once you get to it. Cheating on someone in those circumstances would be unbelievably bad. You have to find another way.

100% agree with @PermanentTemporary , I know everyone likes to look and feel good about themselves, but the hair and makeup almost sounds like you are trying to almost force him into sex that he doesn’t want at that moment, unfortunately with mismatched sex drives it’s normally at the schedule of the person with the lower drive, as others say 2/3 times a week sounds pretty good to me really.

I think you might have to be careful not to become the sex pest in the relationship

There is really no magical solution to mismatched sex drives of the type you describe. And as you age - it’ll likely get worse.
If he were willing to try something - it’ll be having a medical check-up. Because if you are saying his usual drive of 1/week or less (when not trying for a baby) - is pretty low for a mid-20s male.

At this rate - it’ll be 1/month by the 40s if that.

But if he is medically OK - and this is the drive he has - than you will have years of frustration and end up leaving or having other partners on the side.
You could discuss and open up your marriage as this is really the only way to meet both of your needs.

Or you cut your losses now and leave.

It sounds like you treat him as just another sex toy to be honest.

He’s not there just to be used to fulfil your need for daily sex, he’s a person too with his own limits and feelings.

You need to back off and stop trying to make him feel that he has to have sex with you. There’s no bigger passion killer than feeling like you are just being used for sex and are expected to perform.

You get mad because he won’t sleep with you when you feel like he should? That is not normal and not fair or appropriate at all.

You clearly aren’t happy with your situation and that’s fair enough, but you’re probably making him feel like shit so perhaps you need to question whether leaving him, rather than cheating on him, would be better for both your sakes.

This pressure you put on him is only going to back fire on you.

@SheIsStuck23 Great post.

The posts above basically say - how dares OP want her H to have sex with her….
more often than once a week!!!!!

Wanting to have intimacy with your partner is completely normal. And sex this infrequently in your 20s is definitely below average - so it’s normal to wonder what is going on and hope for a change.
It’s also normal to initiate - it’s not treating your partner as a sex toy.
Sex is a normal and natural part of human relationships.

When hes saying he wants you to initiate op I dont think this necessarily means meeting him at the front door in your smalls with hair and make up done. He's just walking through the door from work for god's sake I don't think I'd be ready to get down to it straight away 😂 why don't you try initiating in a less 'forced' way?? And make it seem spontaneous? So if you're sitting together watching a film just start kissing him or something. That can be a lot more of a turn on than dressing up and presenting yourself when it's unexpected and the guy is shattered from work/hasn't had a chance to relax.

Thanks for advice! My partner definitely isn't a sex toy and I don't think my sex drive is abnormally high...Exactly like said - when you are in your twenties and most of the time once a week is maximum, then it doesn't seem normal to me, sorry! in addition, there have been a lot of periods when we have gone without sex for 1-2 weeks. I understand now, that probably waiting for him all dressed up really could kill the mood, when he is tired and so on! But often when I have tried to start touching him, let's say when it's weekend, we are well rested and kid is asleep, he almost always turns me down as well. So I am not confident at all in starting this stuff anymore. But in other way, I don't care and I am willing to try everything.

There is only one solution to this immediate problem which is:

1. You outrightly (but gently) ask him why he doesn’t want to have sex with you (because that’s ultimately the case)

2. He gives you the honest answer.

Unless both of those points are achieved then nothing will change no matter what you try.

You sound like a sex pest OP and that's enough to give anyone the ick.

He doesn't want to have sex more that a couple of times a week. If you can't handle that then you need to split up and find someone with a higher sex drive. You can't make his sex drive magically become higher so stop trying to make him have sex he doesn't want. You are the problem here.

Errr 2-3 x a week?!!! Try 2-3 times a quarter!!

Had exact same thing. So when I see he was watching porn I was fine with that as I do most days. The most common porn he liked watching was ironically woman masterbating using toys and specifically using realistic ones.

Sooooo onto love honey I went and ordered a realistic 8 inch dildo. I didn’t try asking for sex for a few days then one evening when he returned home from work I was on the sofa using said toy whilst watching porn……

I’ve never seen him get undressed and hard so quick in all my life and now we regularly watch prom together etc .

Same here, only porn he watches is woman masturbating and he was the one to introduce different toys to me and we always use them. That's a great idea and I have thought about it myself as well, guess I haven't been brave enough to just do it in front of him yet, but maybe that's the key how I could initiate more.

Well you’ve answered your own question . If that’s the porn he also watches then to see you lying there masterbating would get him in the mood straight away. On the odd occasion when I ask and he doesn’t want it I say ok and I go get the toy and lie next to him doing it and he hasn’t not then joined in once lol.

Can I ask if he is on the bigger side of the scale in the trouser department ? As I have some recommendations for an amazing toy you would both love.

Yes he is and would love recommendations!

I PM you

I'm the same as you in the sense that I could quite easily have it everyday, however my partner is happy with 2x a week and I can settle for that! He'll always 'satisfy' just me if needed.

However, the porn is what I'd have the issue with here in your circumstance! I people not be happy if my partner was essentially choosing porn and wanking over me.

If he doesn't want sex, can you not settle for him just pleasuring you to satisfy you? Or is that something he doesn't want to do either?