Hi everyone, I'm constantly in a battle with myself because I feel like I'm falling apart all the time. My partner and I initially met for the first time online when we were 15. We fell out but started talking again 2 years later and been together since.
Things were pretty rough early on but I suspect due to my own traumas I had the idea in my head I could "fix" someone if they really loved me. My first mistake. Within the first 3 months the police had already been called because he threw my console across the room after assuming I poured water on one of his items (I didn't). Following other things that evening I rang the police because I was scared, yet somehow the next day I spent a good hour profusely apologising to him. I ended up falling pregnant while at university and decided to try and make things work.
To this day pregnancy triggers me because of what I endured, hands on me, items being thrown around, being shouted at like I was a piece of dirt, silent treatment. I fought back because I thought it wasn't OK and I was heavily pregnant.
When the babies were born, it continued. From having the kids shoved (literally new born) into the car seats and being told to leave to being locked outside with one child repeatedly asking to come in so I can feed them.
This pattern pretty much continued until last year where after months of heavy drinking he decided to get anti depressants. He blames his behaviour on depression and PTSD.
Never mind the emotional abuse I would receive, I had to beg him to help me around the house, with the kids, just basic adult things. His excuse would always be I pay the bills.
We go on holiday to visit his family yearly and every holiday always had a massive argument. My top 3 are when I was pregnant again, he berated me and I cried all the way to the pub, when he shouted and called me a slag at a theme park because my top kept falling down and I didn't want to close my jacket as only a tiny bit of my bra was showing, and when he threw my stuff outside of our accommodation after drunkenly saying I only care about our youngest because she looks more like me.
A close friend of mine passed away unexpectly and I cut contact with them before due to my partner hating the fact they disapproved of our relationship (I will regret this for the rest of my life)
At present, we get along better but I truly only view him we as a friend at this point. I never intiate sex or affection, I find myself lying about not having a sex drive even though an inappropriate thought with an actor I fancy gets me excited. If we do anything I always drift off and think of something else. Whenever my family talk about marriage it makes me reel because I feel unhealed. I'm still begging to have help despite doing a full time masters degree and being responsible for young children. I do their homework with them, make sure they have what they need, cook, clean, do laundry, shopping.
We've talked about therapy but when I truly think of things, I imagine myself alone and happy. We have yet to try it but I guess what I'm asking is can a relationship overcome previous trauma if one is checked out? I'm just feeling worn down. I'm in the process of getting therapy for myself.
Thanks. ☹️