Do we separate now, or do I buy a flat for some space?

[Chocolateruby]

Hi, just wondered if anyone had been in a similar position and could offer any thoughts/ advice!

I have been thinking of separating/ divorcing my DH for a few years. Many many years of arguments, ups and downs... after a lot of heartbreak and grieving, have realised that we are just not compatible anymore.

We have two dc, one in year 11 and one in year 8. One has asd and one adhd, and are both sensitive. They both used to not cope well at all with any change, but are definitely a bit more able to nowadays.

My dilemma is - do I buy a small studio flat for myself now (we have just come into an amount of money that would cover this), and spend the next few years going to the flat to have my own space, but in general still "living" in the family home? And then once our youngest dc has left home/ gone to uni, we would sell the flat and the family home, pool the money and each buy a three bedroom place. Or do my DH and I separate now and each buy a 3 bed place each?

I just thought I would make a list of pros and cons:

Pros of me buying a flat:

Less disruption and more stability for the dc

Dc can stay in the nice family home with garden

It would be financially easier

DH does not want to split up now

Cons of me buying a flat:

I wouldn't want the dc to feel that I am "leaving" them in any way

I would have to do housework and maintain both the family home and the flat (DH doesn't do any of this - one of the reasons why we are incompatible!)

I would feel in limbo

Pros of separating now and each buying a house:

I would feel much more independent and it would be a clean break

I would feel like I could move on with my life rather than being stuck in limbo

Cons of separating now and each buying a house

Dc may be very upset and negatively affected

Both DH and I would have to buy a much smaller, less "nice" home than the one we are in now, so that would obviously have an impact on the dc

Financially it would be a struggle

Any thoughts/advice on this would be very welcome, as I just keep going round and round in circles in my head!

Sounds madness

The children will pick up on it whatever happens - a clean break will probably be easier for them

Clean break

It will be disruptive for the kids anyway and you won't be able to move on. I would just go straight for the 3 bed place each.

The flat is a terrible idea, sorry. You will be torn between two homes and run ragged doing two sets of housework.

I would have to do housework and maintain both the family home and the flat (DH doesn't do any of this - one of the reasons why we are incompatible!)
This alone means I can't see this working. My DC have SEN, but are a lot younger, I did briefly think of doing nesting where the kids stay in the house and parents move in and out, but since I'd still be doing everything, in two places and I was already drowning in resentment and hurt I really couldn't see it working.

Clean break.

Sorry it's better for children to realise that sometimes things change . I wish my parents had split up in my teens rather than keep a pretence up and have affairs (that I was very aware of)

You need a clean break. This flat idea is a bad idea and will not work out.

Of course your H does not want to split up (he also has you around currently to carry all the load) because he will then have to become responsible as well.

Do not delay either until your youngest child has left home, this is you kicking the can down the road. Also that scenario is still some years off yet and in the meantime you will end up feeling more resentful. And generally speaking also not all kids leave home at 18 to go to uni.

Awful times, I will also need to decide the same soon with my DH. Im going for clean break, this limbo living is soul destroying - new start and all and there will never be a ‘good time’. Good luck

All I can envisage is you coming back to the house to find dishes and rubbish piled high - your husband possibly deliberately being even sloppier around the house because he resents you moving out.

The drama and heart-pulling of the kids saying "why are you going to your flat tonight, can't you stay another night?" and him backing them up, every single time.

If anyone was going to move out into a flat it probably ought to be the person who does the least for the kids and household, which I'm gonna bet is not you.

Do a clean break, otherwise you're just dragging out the disruption for years.

What a horrible idea.
There is no way this can go well.
Please just get it over with and separate completely. It's better for everyone, even the children. At least they'll know what's going and AND they will learn from their mother that when you're unhappy in a relationship, you leave and take care of yourself. You'd be setting a good example.

If it's over it's over. Split now properly. You're not saving your children any heartache by prolonging this. Just because children and older doesn't mean they will cope better, and sometimes younger children cope better than older ones. The most important thing is that you prioritise what's right for you as their mum - because when you are okay, they will feel better and more secure about their future family set up.

Thank you all - seems to be pretty much a consensus that a clean break would be better! It's been good to read all your thoughts. I think I thought that the flat option would be better for stability for the dc, but it's not that simple and as many of you have pointed out, there would be other implications.

Just need to get my head around going down the road of separation now.....I've felt in limbo for so long, and each realisation/decision takes a while to process, but I know it will all be worth it in the end.

@user1471886287 yes, these are awful times - sorry to hear you are in a similar position, and good luck to you too.