Got the ick

[Bloodyhellmate]

I can't really talk to anyone about this in rl at the moment. I'm early 40s and have been with my dh for about 18 years now. I love him. I don't want to split up. But, I've developed the ick. I don't like having sex these days. I can't bear him touching me.

I feel terrible about it because I love and care for him and he deserves love and affection but lately I've just been going through the motions and just trying to get through it.

We don't have much support locally so don't go out or have date nights or anything. Don't have much in common other than the kids so feeling we've probably lost the spark a bit.

I had an intense crush a couple of years ago that came out of nowhere and shook me up a bit. That's gone now but it was the first time anything like that had happened.

What can I do? I don't feel I can talk to him about it as I don't want him to feel bad or hurt his feelings. I've never been the best at communicating.

Can things get better?

How long have you had the ick?

Has anything changed for you physically? Could it be hormonal changes?

Outside of that, is there something in your relationship that has changed or that you are holding on to that has put you off him? (Sometimes we get these threads and it turns out the partner has been a complete arsehole but is now being better and the woman is punishing herself for her libido not switching back on like nothing happened).

I'm sorry to hear that. It must be hard for you to carry these feelings.
However, not talking to him and not handling this problem together is NEVER going to lead to any improvement.
Communication may not be your strength, but it is exactly what you're going to need to get through this together.
You don't spend time together, don't talk about anything more profound than the household and the children, don't communicate about the quality of your relationship... No wonder you've got the ick. You don't actually have a connection to this man, you just happen to live with him.
Maybe try couples counseling so there's a neutral third party to help you express your feelings without hurting him.

I’m sure this isn’t what you want to hear but I wanted to share my experience. I developed the ick in my marriage and couldn’t come back from it.

I loved him as a person and had lots of reasons to stay but looking back I can see over the years how I ended up feeling that way. We weren’t in love anymore, more like friends and the attraction had gone. I knew it wasn’t fair to either one of us to stay married and go through the motions of having sex when I felt that way so I ended it. I guess it’s fine to stay together if you openly discuss it, lay your feelings out there and if both agree to stay together regardless then at least it’s agreed and fair to both of you. To pretend to be attracted and enjoy sex and affection with him isn’t really fair though and horrible for you.

Mine also started with a crush on someone (never acted upon in any way, it was all in my head) I later started thinking it would be convenient if he cheated on me then it could be over and not my fault. Probably about 6 months after that I just felt deeply unhappy so talked to him about it and we separated amicably.

Again, I know that’s not what you wanted to hear but I think it’s good to hear different experiences from others who have felt the same.

Things can get better if you both want them too, but a relationship has to have communication and it takes too, but if you are unhappy and worried about hurting his feelings then the relationship will struggle you both need to be able to communicate with each other and that includes being honest about how you are feeling its good you are being kind and compassionate about not wanting to hurt his feelings but you also have to think about your feelings too

I would say I've had it maybe a year but it only seems to be recent few months when it's worsened. He's a good man so it's not anything he's done wrong.
I have had few physical changes in recent years. Bad acne which has improved now. Struggling with sleep, irratibility and anxiety.

Might be worth getting checked out with the doctor in case it's linked with peri-menopause. Bit early, but since your moods and sleep are affected as well, it might be something like that?