Dreading telling the kids about separation 😞

[Sleeplessinstevnage]

Dh and I are splitting up and have postponed telling the kids for months now. We are both dreading it. How did your kids react when you told them? We have one tween and a teen.

I’m sorry I have no advice but I just wanted to say that I grew up with parents in an unhappy marriage who divorced after I left home. I know they thought they were doing the right thing staying together until then but I think it would have been far better had they separated sooner. It’s not nice living with people who aren’t happy. Good luck - I can understand it must be incredibly hard x

My advice is not to tell them until it is going to happen. We were told my splitting up and then nothing happened for ages and it made us think that everything was ok again, then it happened and came as a shock.

children are fairly resilient, make sure that you stick by promises and commitments, that they have a say in plans for them. Plus lots of reassurance

Hi OP,
I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Your kids will be ok. The most important thing if you can possibly achieve it is to minimise conflict and reassure them of what is staying the same (still both love you, still both be seeing you, still going to the same school, if that is true etc). Also tell them it's not their fault. And have as many practical answers ready as possible for when they have inevitable questions (eg living arrangements/ timescale for move out etc)

It sounds like you have some level of collaboration and communication still with their dad, so that will really help. If you can, also decide with him what you will say about why this is happening. This should be true hopefully without attacking either parent.

There is a lot of miserable stuff out there about kids and divorce, but they actually believe now that more damage is done in the 'pre-tell' phase, when kids are dealing with fighting and/or have an eerie sense something is wrong but don't know why they feel unsafe. So don't think of telling them as ruining their lives, it's really not. It's helping them move to the next step of healthier, more resolved lives.

It will be a horrible day, but if you can both be there for the kids, they will be ok.

Hi op.

I was in your position a few years ago. I'm not saying we couldn't have done things differently or better but this is how we did it (circumstances were that I had found out the day before that their dad had been having an affair and asked him to leave there and then). Dc were 10 and 11:

I told him when he left that I would not be telling the dc on my own so he had to come round the following day and we would tell them together. We sat them down and told them we needed to talk to them. We told them that we loved them more than anything and always would but that we were not making each other happy anymore and were going to separate. Their uncle and aunt had amicably separated in recent years so we referred to that.

We told them that we were still friends (we weren't at the time, obviously but they didn't need to know that and I did damn well at pretending).

We set out arrangements straight away, that they would see see their dad lots and that he was going to get a home of his own where they would have their own bedrooms.

It was heartbreaking, I won't lie. I had only found out the day before that the love of my life was having an affair and now I had to break the DC's hearts too.

I don't think there's any avoiding that.

We answered any questions and all cried and gave them hugs.

Gradually, it got easier and we did become friends and didn't have to pretend any more. Six years down the line we have managed to co-parent really well, always putting the dc first (me more than him usually but he is the one who had an affair so didn't expect much more).

They still don't know he had an affair as I didn't think they needed to know that but if they ever ask the reasons for us separating, I won't lie to them. They had enough information that they needed and could handle at the time.

Good luck op. Put on a united front if you can and plenty of reassurance that this is the best thing for everyone.

My parents postponed as well and that actually hurt me a lot more than if they had just told me.
I heard my father go up to the attic every night for months. I didn't know he was sleeping there. I had two scenario's in mind. Either he was fixing up the attic for me to give me a cooler, bigger bedroom (I was 9). Or he was builing a nursery there and I was getting a new baby brother or sister.
To say I was heartbroken to hear they were breaking up instead, is an understatement.
The best thing to do is to just go ahead and tell them. You can't avoid it hurting them. But they will get past it eventually.

I went through this earlier this year OP. Mine were 8 and 13 at the time. I discovered a betrayal in February and the marriage was over from that point. We decided not to tell them straight away. Ex found a rental property and got it sorted and we picked the start of the Easter hols to tell them so that they had time to get their heads around it before going back to school. We told them and he moved out the following week.

I think that worked as well as it could have.
Second what others say, they don't need the details of why. We simply said we weren't making each other happy any more (took an awful lot of restraint on my part). I never bad mouth their father, we communicate reasonably well around the kids.

I think telling them once you have a plan is good so you can answer questions about how time will be split etc.

Sorry I forgot to add, mine were devastated for a couple of days but soon adjusted. They had their sad moments over the first few months but largely they coped with it much better than I expected.

We waited from the January until the start of the summer holidays after my son did his GCSEs. That gave him and my daughter, who was 13 then, time to get used to it before going back to school. There was some short term upset but they soon took it in their stride.
I will always be very glad we did it that way.

I had to tell my children by myself. Ex left and refused to back.

He actually removed his belongings when he knew we’d be out. That was a lovely surprise to come home to.

The children are honestly fine. What I mean to say is that the thought of it is worse than the reality, even when the reality is very bad. It will be a relief for you all once it’s done and you can all look forward to a new exciting future.

Good luck.