Is my husband still in love with his ex?

[Unknown987]

Long post please stay with me.

My husband and I are both divorcees married 3 years ago - both with children from previous marriage and both with traumatic previous marriage experiences.
My husband was with ex wife for 14 years - and I find their relationship uncomfortable. Maybe because I was cheated on so feelings are more heightened?
The ex and husband have a constant back and forth - bantering all the time on WhatsApp and always on the phone ‘regarding the kids’. Boys are 20 and 16.
I’ve always had a gut instinct that he was still in love with his ex but he convinced me never. However several things have happened in the 3 years that are making me question my sanity.
During my pregnancy he vanished after an argument and stayed out over 24 hours without contact and only rang his ex. She in turn told me and the rest of the family where he was.
he told me I was being unreasonable and it was in my head and nothing there.
He has always in arguments compared me to her - how she listened, how they were best friends unlike us and how she was a good mum and never disrespected him like I do…
I recently looked at his messages this week after a hunch and they had been messaging back and forth about many things but he specifically said I know you like me the most from all the men you’ve been with and I’ll hold on to that. And other comments like I will always be your ‘George Bailey’ and stuff like I wish I had made the changes I’ve made now for you.
He also shared personal stuff about my family and ex to her and also told her about our arguments and other unnecessary stuff such as asking if she’s going to have any more kids etc.
Writing it all down now seems so stupid but I feel so hurt and disrespected like he’s pretending to be a different way with me.
What I am I to do? His ex kicked him out. His mum and family tell me he was obsessed with her as he forgave her for cheating on him and went back to her.
He tells me it’s nothing just banter and silly messages that didn’t mean anything BUT I feel so disrespected about the disloyalty and exposure of my life and the way he’s trying to convince himself she still likes him.
Am I overthinking??

how long were you together before you became pregnant? Were you married?

Together for a year before we got married pregnant within 6 months. We have a 2 year old together.

It does come across that you rushed into things, and he wasn’t over his ex. I’m not clear if the pregnancy came prior to the marriage, but the fact he went to her for comfort during that time does say a lot.

Im not sure what to advise really. I think when you come to relationships as an adult, it’s one thing understanding people have history and baggage, but I would think I’d like to feel like the priority and most cherished by my husband.

How was the relationship at the beginning? What motivated you to marry the man within twelve months of being together? How long had he/you been single?

I guess marriage just felt like the right thing to do…
3 years on I feel he still goes to his ex. He was separated 2 years before we met and 3 years before we married.
I was single for 3…

Some people get on great as friends just don’t work as a couple

I'd be inclined to leave him for that.

I'm sorry but they are having an emotional affair.
Even if they were not, you cannot trust him as he shares your private business with his ex. That's just so fucked up.

He's been gaslighting you all this time too by telling you it's all in your head and you are unreasonable.

Now you can see in black and white that that's not the case.

I don't think it has anything to do with love. Tbh, love isn't relevant. He's a liar and a fake and you cannot trust or rely on him.

I'm sorry that this is the case. But now you know you can chuck his fake ass out and move forwards free of this jerk.

Doesn’t really matter does it. He’s not treating you respectfully, it’s mostly irrelevant why.
I wouldn’t want my dh flirting with any other woman, and I wouldn’t want to be compared to any of his exes in arguments, it’s rude and also demonstrates a level of stupidity that I couldn’t get on with really.

is he willing to withdraw from that relationship slightly and stop comparing you? Or no? Then you decide what you can put up with

Ps: she kicked him out because he was a jerk too.

And comparing you to her is called narcissistic triangulation. They don't do it because because love their ex, they do it because they want to make you feel insecure. To make you wonder if they still have feelings for the other person. So that you never feel 'enough'. It's an abuse tactic.

"He has always in arguments compared me to her - how she listened, how they were best friends unlike us and how she was a good mum and never disrespected him like I do…"

Those are grounds enough to leave. Don't ever let anyone ever say shit like this to you. You're worth more than a constant comparison. If she's that great he can fuck off and have her. It's one thing having a great relationship with an ex for the sake of kids, it's another to continually treat your partner like shit, fuck off without letting anyone know where u are and tell a FUCKING EX personal stuff about his own wife's family. He isn't over her and probably never will be.

Leave this c**t. He doesn't have an ounce of love or respect for you. You deserve so much better than this.

It's great if ex's can get on. But the signs at that he is well and truly not over her. He might not even want to get back with her, but there is a part of him that likes to think he still has her attention, could still get back with her if he wanted to.

He is being very, very disrespectful to you. Going running to her after an arguement with his pregnant wife? Telling her about your disagreements? Telling her how special she is, and he wish things had been different? Comparing you with her and saying she's better?

And the back and forth is simply not necessary once the children are that age. My DH has had no contact with his ex since youngest DC was about about 17. There was no fall out or ignoring - they just didn't need to talk as the DC's were able (and wanted) to make their own arrangements, and didn't need lifts. He / we might bump into her in the supermarket or at an event one of the DCs is involved in, and they have a polite, friendly conversation, but there is no need for them to be in touch unless they want to.

Your DH and his ex are taking this to the other extreme.... acting like best mates or flirting potential lovers. He is out of order, being supremely disrespectful, and I wouldn't want to be with him if I were you.

How awful OP. I know feelings can still linger for an ex, and when a current relationship isn’t going well a lot of people reflect on their past. But the fact he is still in contact
contact with his ex when they have much older children seems odd. The comparisons of you to her are also awful and putting her on a pedestal and making you feel inadequate.
personally yes it does seem he has feelings for her. They clearly wouldnt work because they’ve already broken down before but I guess when he met you maybe he was trying to show her he’d moved on quick by getting married and having a baby.

I’ve been in a similar situation and it was awful, in the end we split and he goes from woman to woman and no doubt still pines after his ex (who is now engaged.) But it was doing my mental health no good spending all my time worrying and wondering about his feelings etc. I think your gut knows the truth.

I agree with you. If she wanted him back he would be gone like a shot.
Is she planning another baby? Is he? With her?
I would be extremely suspicious of the pair of them.

He loves her but he can't have her and you do not deserve that.

They almost certainly couldn't work as a couple if they got back together OP. However he, and maybe she, have put rose tinted glasses on when looking back at their relationship.

I think he's using her as a comparison to make you jealous and insecure. He isn't respectful to you, you deserve better.

It’s triangulation. It’s disrespectful. I doubt very much it’s got anything to do with being ‘in love with her’ or ‘not over her’ more around the good feels he gets from the sneaky little texts and comments back. He’s seeking validation elsewhere while knowingly putting you in a vulnerable position. He enjoys devaluing you while valuing her, it’s abusive.

Its nasty. He is nasty.

I’m with the other posters this is put him in your rear view mirror and drive away!