If your partner struggles with MH, how do you cope?

[Antilope]

For pretext, I work in a role where men often open up to me about their mental health struggles, including some serious stuff, think suicide attempts etc. I see it a lot and it's tough.

I know that a lot of men have 'dark' periods when they just want to shut away and almost become a different person. There's also issues like PTSD in some situations, childhood experiences etc.

Now, I'm with one such man, and I've noticed how his wellbeing has really started influencing mine. He really struggles seasonally, so the closer it gets to Christmas, the lower he seems to feel. This means significantly lowered contact, easily irritable, feeling like he can't do anything, not wanting to do anything. He's still lovely with me and the more we talk and interact, the less down he seems, but it's hard to get him out of his cave or see anything in a positive light. He's aware of how he is and feels guilty and a burden for being like this on top of everything.

Sometime early in the new year I know I'll get my man back... The one that can't get enough of me and has plans and ideas and wants to experience the world. But the time in between is pretty horrible because it's hard to see someone you love so down, or looking like they aren't feeling anything.

If your partner struggles with MH, how do you manage? Is there anything that has helped you stop worrying or made a real difference?

I'm not looking for advice per se, more to hear from others who have something similar going on in their relationships.

how long have you been with him? do you have children with him? Presumably you have suggested he speak with someone about his mental health issues?

what’s the issue with christmas for him?

I do. I cope by offering appropriate support whenever I can, and have made it clear that my partner needs to help themselves with appropriate external support services when they need it. I am supportive, as poor MH is part of who they are, but not the whole person. I also only offer support within boundaries. I can’t pour from an empty cup, nor am I a metaphorical punch bag or a therapist. I try to ensure I have my own time/hobbies/friendship group around me. It has taken me over 20 years to understand this is the approach that works for us. Good luck OP.

I've known him very well for years and have known he was like that, for very good reasons too as he's been through significant trauma and loss. Properly together since spring, and we've mostly been very happy.

He used to talk to me/ we used to talk to each other about what we were feeling before we got together. Now that we're a couple he struggles to open up to me about the specifics, other than that he's feeling down.

He feels like talking doesn't help and just brings up old trauma again and again. But yes I've assured him I'm always there for him and encouraged him to get help from a professional. He just feels like nothing will help him when he is down, and when he is better he thinks he doesn't need the help.

I've been through CBT myself and it took me a long time to decide to get help, so I do understand it's not easy to take that step.

I've just come to accept MH is not like an appendix, in one way or another it will always crop up. I'm just looking for a way to make this time of year more bearable. It's really hard to see him this down and defeated regularly.

the issue is not his mental health

the issue is his unwillingness to address it

so this will continue

and if you do have children (not that i would recommend having children with anyone who has a mental health illness but refuses to address it) - then you can bet your bottom dollar that this mental health problem will intensify

how far in advance of christmas does it begin?

OP my situation isn’t quite what you were driving at but it’s the only one I can comment on. My DP has anxiety and depression and I have those plus about five more, including PTSD which is worse around Christmas as well. He is much more functional and cheerful than I am but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have bad moments or need support. We’re both pursuing separate therapy (I’m on the waiting list to go in for a long hospital stay as well) and talked about couples therapy if one of us affects the other in the future. We talk through everything and try to make each other aware of what we’re feeling and how it might affect our behaviour (eg I’ll warn him if I’m feeling self-destructive and might panic or something, he’ll tell me if he needs an early night or some space or time with his friends to chill out). I don’t think it’s easy for either of us but we can bring loads of empathy and love.

Really quite depressing for people to write “he won’t get help, leave him” or words to that effect. Particularly for men it’s difficult to accept and admit that help is necessary and there are loads of other obstacles. Also the knee-jerk response of “this one’s broken, you don’t want them any more”. I am under no illusions that I’m easy to cope with at all times but my DP says I’m more than worth it and I’m putting my best efforts to mitigating and hopefully solving the problem. However, having been told I will struggle with it to some extent for the rest of my life, it does make me feel a little hopeless given that the advice on here is pretty much “if there’s something wrong with them, discard them” then I’ll go to therapy or something and get told to draw on my support network and am too scared to do it.

Yes I know... I'll just ignore the 'if he won't get help, leave him' responses tbh. Thankfully there's plenty of people out there that truly accept their partner in sickness and in health. You never know how things may end up, you may be thriving now, but something horrible may happen in your life that will cause trauma and MH issues. I believe that if you love them, you stick with them through thick and thin (some caveats like violence, cheating or generally being a horrific human being exempt obviously), and that's why I want to stick with my guy, as like you describe, he has supported me throughout through some tough events and is a kind human being.

Thank you for sharing and wish you and your partner all the best on your MH journey. Nice to hear that you've found someone who gets you and supports you and that you have good communication with.

I'm just looking to learn through this thread how I can support mine better when he isn't well, without compromising my own well-being. He has definitely taken steps to engage with me more even when he isn't well, and I have taken steps to give him space and myself some me-time, but I'd like to hear more from others as there's still a lot of room for improvement.

It depends. If something knocks him down in September it can be as early as that, can also be late November. Not all that time is fully doom and gloom, we certainly have days when we laugh and have fun and properly connect. But also a good number of difficult days when it's hard to get through to him as he just wants to be alone.

@Antilope I thought of something else, related to your reply: boundaries don’t just help the “caring” party, they also help the “cared-for”. It’s really easy to go too far or get out of control and end up causing unnecessary stress or harm, so you need a system of boundaries that avoids you burning out or snapping with stress (obviously you’ll have some annoyed days). It will really help if he has a strong support network because you shouldn’t have to be there all the time and probably wouldn’t cope yourself, and if you’re firm with boundaries he won’t worry that he’s wearing you out (and will leave you, as one of my biggest fears is)

It's really more about how your partner manages their mental health in order to help themselves and improve the relationship.

Has he sought treatment? If not he should see his GP. There is a predictable pattern to his low mood so it could be SAD or it may be that Xmas has some very sad associations for him, which bring him down. But he needs to seek diagnosis and treatment.

this will be the first christmas together as a couple?

Really quite depressing for people to write “he won’t get help, leave him” or words to that effect.

i disagree

if someone develops a MH illness and struggles to pursue therapy and you’ve been with that person in a long term relationship / married to them - then absolutely it would be depressing to jump ship so early

but together for 6 months? no children? possibly would like to have children in the future and the person you’re with has serious mental health issues and refuses to pursue therapy - then not depressing to leave early on. sensible in fact