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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

following on from codependance thread...seeking advice. kinda long-sorry!

8 replies

mamalovesmojitos · 11/03/2008 21:34

ok so myself and dds dad broke up last april after just over 4 yrs of going out.he has always been a partier but when we broke up he basically went crazy, on a 6wk binge. not turning up for her, disapearing for days,including my 2 wks of college exams, completely uncontactable.nearly gave his poor mother a heart attack. then between may and nov was a series of binges, apologies, good behaviour, often sex (even tho he was seeing other girl ), then another binge. these last for days. eventually i told him to go for counselling. he began AA, told me was an alcoholic.his mother, brother and three uncles also are. he has bn out drinkin twice since nov, one time was from a sat nite to a mon morn(small binge for him)and he missed 1st meeting with dds primary school. been off drink since jan but when i asked him to take dd on sat he said he was hoping to have all day off to go out to pub. when i laughed and said 'are you seriously going drinking' he just said 'yes i cant talk about it with you.'
i know i cannot change his behaviour and for a yr i put my life on hold, living through his, lying for him, typical codependant behaviour. what would an independant person do in my situation? just ignore his drinking? i'm so mad . he's completely in denial.

OP posts:
MrsMacaroon · 11/03/2008 21:37

sorry- are you two actually together as a couple?

SenoraPostrophe · 11/03/2008 21:43

I would ignore it, yes, as long as it didn't affect dd. but his going drinking on sat instead of having her does affect her.

not sure you're co-dependent btw, just not dealing with a breakup very well? co-dependency would assume the other party is dependent too.

I think you should forget the relationship, but do try to get him to agree to having her regularly - how often does he see her?

madamez · 11/03/2008 21:46

You need certain boundaries with regard to him looking after DD ie he must not go on a binge or turn up plastered when he is taking care of her. Otherwise, his drinking is his problem not yours.

mamalovesmojitos · 11/03/2008 21:52

thanks for replies!

mrsm-no we are not together. prob never will be again unfort.
senora-maybe you're right. my therapist threw the term at me, wasn't sure what it was but i do fit some of the definitions, only mildly so. more like i need to watch myself so i dont slide into unhealthy behaviour.
i suppose you're telling me what i knew madamez.
he sees her all the time, is very good with her. in the past he has sworn he'll be ther and not turned up leaving me in trouble. but on sat i'll know in advance. i just cant believe that someone whose drinking nearly destroyed them and who has been attending AA and told to stop drinking by his alcohol counsellor is planning to spend a day getting plastered in advance. it really upsets me.

OP posts:
ginnedup · 11/03/2008 22:01

I know from bitter experience how much it upsets you, but unfortunately since you are not together there really is nothing you can do about it. Alcoholics will never stop drinking for anyone else, however much they might love them or want to. I'm in a similar position and my xdp has the same problem. I see him when he's sober and we get on great, but when he's off getting drunk I stay away from him. Its the only way I can keep my sanity. I love him but I can't live with him.
However, you do need to be firm that when he sees your dd he must be sober. That has to be a given.
Good luck -

mamalovesmojitos · 11/03/2008 22:04

christ. i understand. how did you let go ? i have found time a great healer in accepting the end of our relationship. but i still love him and seeing him in denial and not living to the fullest is really hard. i dont know if i can do it long term. its a total nightmare. i feel so powerless.

OP posts:
madamez · 12/03/2008 00:32

COntinue with the counselling but make the counselling about you not about him. You can't fix him. Addicts can only fix themselves, when they want to.

ginnedup · 12/03/2008 09:55

Agree with Madamez. I think you come to a point when you have to give up trying to solve the problem and realise that it is not your problem to solve. When that dawned on me it was like a light coming on in my head (it's taken a few years though ). I can't change his drinking but I don't have to witness it and my dc certainly don't.

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