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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don't know how to move forward

6 replies

Hailstorm84 · 16/11/2023 12:51

Been with my husband for nearly 7 years. Three years ago I found out he was still involved in a online relationship with someone that he met online before meeting me, I was crushed but we were due to get married and I just wanted to forget about it and make it all go away. Since then I've struggled on and off with trust but pushed past it until this year. In spring whilst heavily pregnant I discovered that back in 2021 after my miscarriage my husband contacted a prostitute, he said he realised what he was doing was wrong and didn't meet up with her. I did check his Google map location for the date he made contact with the sex worker and it didn't show he had made any unusual journey, my baby was due within weeks so I had to just drop the whole thing because I felt I had no choice. After I had my baby it became a problem because I just couldn't move on from it, I asked him the truth about everything and he ended up admitting to planning on meeting up with the online relationship person 10 months into our relationship when he took a trip to their country alone (twice). I know he didn't meet up with her because I contacted her but the thing is he could have been meeting someone else there while he was on his own. We've split up twice and gotten back together since our baby was born over all of this and his inability to stop spending money, he packed his bags and left for a night just two weeks ago over an expensive purchase he wanted to make (a computer). After a week of being back he was given money by his family and went and bought it anyway. Now I'm having to put up with him interacting with me while sitting on this computer. We could have been doing with that money for other things and he just doesn't get it. I'm exhausted and just feel like he makes no real effort with me anymore, no affection unless it's leading to sex. Am I crazy for feeling like he just doesn't value what he has?.

OP posts:
Whiskerson · 16/11/2023 12:57

You don't know he didn't meet her when he visited her country with the plan to meet her. She could be covering for him. The horrible thing is, you'll never know and you don't want to spend your life playing detective or brushing it all under the carpet and having a distant and untrusting relationship. I think just accept that he's broken your trust several times and you will probably never be able to trust him again, and proceed on that basis. I'm sorry. I know it's not easy.

Quitelikeit · 16/11/2023 12:59

I’m sorry but there’s nothing promising about this relationship

move on

category12 · 16/11/2023 14:46

Sometimes you need to step back from a relationship and ask yourself what on earth you're putting up with.

You've overlooked a ton of stuff over the years, but unfortunately that doesn't make the other person value your patience or endurance or love, it just makes them think you'll tolerate any old shit and devalue you.

As Whiskerson says, it's very likely the other woman covered for him rather than told the truth.

Get rid of the guy.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/11/2023 14:52

Am I crazy for feeling like he just doesn't value what he has?

Well no kidding, op. He hasn't ever valued you, and I struggle to understand why you're still with him. It's over. Doomed. He's shit. Move on already.

Watchkeys · 16/11/2023 14:54

Am I crazy for feeling like he just doesn't value what he has

Your problem isn't how you feel. Your problem is your willingness to put up with how you feel.

It's not that he doesn't value what he has; that's his prerogative. He can value what he wants, he's an adult, he gets to set his priorities how he wants, with impunity. But question how you are valuing what you have. Why are you offering intimacy (or anything at all) to someone who treats you so poorly, and who you feel so shitty about? You're an adult too: set your priorities. What's important to you?

Jk987 · 16/11/2023 16:26

You shouldn't be questioning whether you're crazy! There are a few basic ground rules within a partnership. Arranging to meet a sex worker is not one of them.

Contact a good friend or family member and meet up for lunch/a drink without the baby. Talk through what you've said here and accept their help, advice and support.

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