How to discuss porn use in relationship?

[bex657]

We have been married for 6 years, got 2 small children.
Last night I went to bed around 10 (having done a 12.5 hour shift) I woke up at 12.30 and realised I had left phone charger in the lounge, door was closed (not unusual as noise travels)

I opened the door to find my husband charging at me at full speed, saying what was I doing coming in, his jeans were open so is boxers were showing. I couldn't see what was on his laptop as he was blocking my view.
It's pretty obvious he was watching porn, I'm not sure how to bring this up though? I just feel disappointed, I'm also struggling with my own body confidence.
I didn't bring it up there and then as I was shocked.

Well first off, you need to decide if you agree with porn. If you don't then that's a whole other discussion needed with him.

Secondly...using it in the living room is surely not ok either way. What if one of your kids had gone in there! I

Thirdly, men fancy all sorts of bodies, it doesn't mean they don't fancy you just because they also fancy different shaped women. However, how does he make you feel in the relationship generally? What is he doing to make you feel secure and wanted?

Getting caught watching porn...
that's a lot of hail Mary's to make up in the reassuring you department too. He should be on major damage control now.

Thanks @Pinkbonbon I also agree what if the one of children went in there, so need to definitely talk about that. We don't have sex very much maybe once a month. I'm not sure how I feel about porn tbh.
His laptop has also disappeared this morning.
Our relationship has been in downhill for a long while, it's very busy with children, him working full time (from home) me working 12.5 hour days 3 x a week. But then when i have wanted sex in the past he has said no (this isn't recently, maybe 6 months ago) so I'm not sure.

Well I mean sometimes men don't want sex so will say no lol but once a month does seem low doesn't it.

Just checking, are you sure it was porn... no indicators to make you think there could for example, be live cam use or, another woman?

I think you two need to make time to have a proper sot down chat about where you both are in the relationship and what you need from eachother. A night away somewhere nice without the kids would hopefully do you both the world of good too, if possible.

Are you sure it was just porn or was he chatting to women online? There’s loads of live cam chat sites now it’s gross but my thought of him running over and hiding the laptop the next day makes me think that. Not sure if you have shared banking but who knows he may be paying for sex chat online.

Also if sex is just once a month I guess he needs to get relief somehow so I don’t think you can be mad for general porn use. I think the problem is when it’s used instead of sex with a spouse.

I would have a discussion about your sex life with him. Tell him you know he was watching porn last night and that it upsets you and you want to try and improve your sex life with him. Both of you need to make effort if so.

I think I would start the conversation with ' what were you doing last night on your laptop'.

I hate porn and I wouldn't want to be with someone who watches it. Especially someone who was watching it when he had a real life me in the bed upstairs he could be focusing his attentions on.
But I know some women don't have an issue with it, so it really depends which you are. Both are fine and are down to what you feel comfortable with.
If he is preferring porn to actually having sex with his wife, then there are huge issues to address and definitely need addressing and not ignoring.

But I suspect it may be something worse than porn - cam girls? Because of the fact he was really really wanting you not to see it and the laptop has now vanished.
You need to get to the bottom of what he was doing, and then you can decide how acceptable it is to you and where you both go from there.

Thanks all, I text him at lunch and told him we needed a chat, he knew what it was gonna be about, and told me he wasn't embarrassed as it's natural, yes it is, and that isn't my issue. He is Aware of the risk of children coming in, as he said he thought it was my daughter coming in rather than me, so we will having a proper chat later, once children are a bed.

Can you update as to how the chat goes please OP? In a very similar situation myself and I'm at a loss how to rationally talk about it with DH

@bex657

To be fair - you only know one thing for sure that he was wanking. Whether or not there was porn on his computer is hard to prove if he denies.
And - i am not sure his wanking is the main issue anyway. Your relationship is in a difficult place with small kids and sex once/month.

You can of course have an argument now about how and where he wanks - but it won’t solve your issues.

The two of you need to talk - about more than just this ‘incident’ and maybe figure out how to deal with the small children/no sex rut you are in.

Thanks all, I agree the the lack of sex needs to be talked about. We only had a date night last month though.

I watch porn and wouldn't be impressed at partner telling me to stop.

If he is in bed and I am in mood, why not? Also, for those saying living room is not suitable, how often do your kids come down at night? Once mine are asleep, they will potentially get up to toilet but rare to come downstairs- that would only be if ill.

I know everyone is different, but oncw a month is fairly low for sex. It's better he is wanking at home vs getting actual sex elsewhere 🤷‍♀️

You have to ask him what he was doing on his laptop and let him answer. Hopefully honestly.

But before that you need to decide in your mind what your line is on porn. Are you opposed to him using it? If so, is this something you've expressed in the past? Everyone and every relationship has a different view. I don't mind my partner using porn but he knows that cos we discussed it. He wouldn't use it if I had said I minded, but the point is that neither approach is objectively right or wrong, it's a question of what we agreed. You can't hold someone to an agreement you only made in your own head, after all.

Then you can get into a discussion about this recent incident. But I think you also need to bear in mind that it will touch on bigger issues, like your sex life, and your own insecurities (which are not a fault or something to feel bad about, but they are "your stuff"). Maybe the two are intertwined!

You need to talk

I don’t think wanking alone late at night is a massive crime personally
however it needs discussing

what to ?
and why won’t he fxxk you ?

a PP said it better than me , you need a sit down

fwiw I don’t think men watch porn for the superior bodies , they watch it for the fucking and sucking etc

Thanks all, i think it just that the state of our relationship currently means it needs addressing, I'm not in any way saying he was wrong for it, but we have a few issues to address: one we live in the a bungalow, so both children could walk in at any time, and two the state of the relationship and how to solve the lack of intimacy.

I did’t get the impression from OP that her H is avoiding sex. (She mentioned one occasion a long time ago)
It sounds like the issues is more they are busy with work and tired with small kids. Sex isn’t happening as it often doesn’t in such situations. And it impacted their relationship which inevitably leads to less sex.

I have been there as have many other women.
Add to it OP’s confidence - and who is confident soon after giving birth to a few kids….
More often than not - it’s women that struggle with libido in that stage. Men - less so as kids don’t take over their lives quite as much.

OP - wanking is his way of dealing with no sex. Not sure you need to make it an issue.
Best thing you can do is try to reconnect and bring back a spark, so you can start rebuilding intimacy.

I have a very happy and fulfilled relationship but I still watch porn and use a vibrator regularly (at least once a week while DH is out playing sports). It's a quick and easy way to an orgasm with minimal effort. It's never as good as the orgasms I get from my DH but the effort/reward ratio is on a par. Sometimes I do it on a weekend when he's gotten up early and is in his study leaving me in bed alone.