Post partum anger at husband

[Cocomummy]

Need advice re my pp anger at husband. Married ten years have stood by him through lots of problems and have supported him. He has a history of being shouty and he has tried to work on it I am generally a quiet person. Gave birth to second baby in July after a difficult pregnancy. Birth was also difficult -sepsis and emergency c section. Recovery was difficult and was in hospital for five days.

Two weeks after birth we had an incident where husband shouted at our toddler and I overreacted and stood in between them and shouted at husband to leave 3 yr old alone. This was really out of character for me not justifying it but I have never shouted at him in ten years. I apologized later that eve.

Following incident husband showed so much hostility towards me e.g slamming things, driving like crazy in the car when taking us to appointments,harassing me about spending. It upset me so much. Baby had reflux it's been terrible I cried every single night. Now I'm feeling more like myself he is trying to make amends but honestly I feel numb towards him. He treated me awfully at my most vulnerable after years of recieving support.

Not sure what to do moving forward as I can barely talk to him and look forward to when he leaves for work. Am I overreacting?

Boost

I dont think you're overreacting. I guess the cracks in the relationship are showing. You know his behaviour is abusive and the comments will be telling you to leave, some might suggest counselling and women's aid or equivalent in your country. I'm sorry you're in this position.

So, your husband is a habitual shouter and if you shout back at him once after severe provocation and to protect your toddler he punishes you with several months of abuse? Doesn't sound like this relationship is redeemable but in any case, YANBU.

I don't think it's overreacting to step in and protect your toddler from a shouting adult man. I'm sorry that you apologised if anything.

Your husband sounds a complete, possibly abusive, arsehole. e.g slamming things, driving like crazy in the car when taking us to appointments,harassing me about spending. The road rage etc are all classic behaviours of abusive men. Trying to be nice now doesn't undo the damage he does when he behaves like this, and may be part of the cycle of abuse.

I worry I'm overreacting and my hormones are making me feel like I just want to leave him and I'm not thinking logically. He is also calm 90% of the time but has had a toxic upbringing with a domineering father so has a skewed sense of what is normal and I'm fed up being the one who bites my tongue to avoid conflict. He pays for everything, is hands-on with toddler and would probably laugh if I said he was abusive because he doesn't behave how his father did. Deep down I feel like there's no coming back from this for us.

I don't think you are overreacting at all. I recognise most of these behaviours from my own abusive marriage: the driving like a madman to scare me and the children, shouting at the children, slamming doors etc. It's not acceptable and I think you are realising that. Even if he is OK 90% of the time - it still doesn't excuse him in any way at all, nor does the fact that he himself had a domineering father. Keep that in mind and look at your options. Don't feel bad because you are upset, you are quite entitled to question whether you can move past his behaviour. P.S. I left my now ex husband ten years ago and it was the best thing I ever did - especially for the children. I should have left a lot earlier.

Why would you have multiple kids with someone you admitted had lots of problems? I despair.

You likely won't be able to leave now till kids are older without a lot of other support, so will have to put up for now.

He's a bully boy and you are usually quiet and submissive and it came as a shock to him when your maternal instinct to protect your child from the same abuse he's been giving you finally kicked in.

No wonder the brute has been sulking and slamming things around.

Is this the environment you want to raise your children in?

I can assure you that one day your son will be taller than you and shouting you down over something trivial just like his father does unless you get out of the situation you're in.

So he was bullying your toddler and when you stood up to him he didn't like it and is now punishing you. Yeah... run.

The amount of people who excuse abusive behaviour because 'oh he had a difficult childhood so doesn't know what's normal'. Op you are talking about a GROWN man. Does he not have a TV? Of course he knows what's normal!

Does he not have the capacity for introspection? Or empathy? Maybe he doesn't. It's the only thing that explains shouting at your toddler and partner like that.

Not to be a victim blamer but to put it in black and white- you've literally been excusing a grown man throwing tantrums like a toddler for years because he had a bad childhood. I mean, it's nuts.

Normal adults have the capacity to introspect, to grow and change. To go 'my childhood was tough so I'd never treat my loved ones that way'. To decide for themselves after the first instance if shouting at a partner (or before, even) to seek therapy.

This isn't this guy. He likes the power that comes with shouting at you. He knows you'll excuse it.

Often we infantalise men. Thinking its somehow our job to fix them or help them be better people. He's not a child, he doesn't get to blame abuse on a bad childhood. Don't make any more excuses for him. Just get yourself out, ASAP.

Thanks all for your replies

I agree with others that you are not overreacting. My exH was pretty useless during my labour and plain awful during our son's first year whilst I had post-natal depression. He was not supportive at all, had a work fling and made it all about him, gaslighting me for his behaviour. If I am honest I held resentment throughout our marriage - all 22 years - and never felt the same about him. It was the only time I had ever been vulnerable and needed him to step up. Where was he - sat feeling sorry for himself because his wife didn't want sex and focused her attention on his son and getting better. Your hormones will play a part in how you feel, but you should not let that dismiss your genuine concern - is he there when you need him. Big hugs x

Also agree he should not be shouting at a 3 year old and road rage and aggressive driving are classic traits in an abuser.

When is he going to make amends, OP? There's your answer.

I could have written this. At least once a week I feel I have to intervene because he's being what I perceive to be scary and shouting etc. When i ask for introspection, my husband will say well toddler wasn't listening etc, rather than these are the things I might be able to do differently next time...

Never an issue until latest baby came along so I don't feel it was poor judgement on my part.

I'm so sorry. He sounds abusive and mean, and like he learned this behaviour from his father. Do you have somewhere you can go ie your parents?

You poor woman.

He is a highly abusive man who is threatening, abusive and has put you all in danger by driving dangerously.

You dared to challenge him finally and he ramped up his abuse of you all.

You need to tell your GP the truth and health visitor.

Contact Women's aid.

You rightly know your marriage is over.

There is no fixing someone so abusive.

You may need to take your time and get organised and thats fine, but take your time to get paperwork together, reach out for support, tell family and friends the truth.

Keep posting if it helps.

The driving dangerously is a huge red flag.

You dared to stand up to him. Do it again. And again. And again. And again. Stop facilitating this abuser. Think of your kids. Are you willing to submit them to life with a father that bullies you and them? Break the cycle, even if your DH won't.

Why do you accuse yourself of 'overreacting'?

Your DH 'overreacts' every time he shouts at you, shouts at your toddler, ignores you, punishes you. He's out of order.

The one time you defend your toddler, you were acting entirely reasonably, normally, as a loving parent would act.

Then your DH punishes you for acting entirely reasonably.

Why do you berate yourself for 'overreacting' yet excuse your DH for yelling and bullying his way through life?

You would be better off away from, him, as would your children.