Changed his mind at the 11th hour - what to do?!

[Flobomobo]

I’m 33, DP is 34. We have 2 children from previous relationships, both well integrated. We live together I have 100% custody and he has 50/50.

At the start of the relationship, 2 years ago we agreed no more children. But we both got broody and decided to go for it.

I booked to get my coil removed, and at 2am the night before it was due to be removed he woke me up to say he had changed his mind and doesn’t want anymore children.

I’m heartbroken. This was 3 weeks ago and it still hasn’t sunk in. We have talked about it and he said that he worried about money, space, our time together etc. all the stuff we had talked about at length!

I can’t believe he let me go so far as I did, I even started pre natel vitamins and bought a couple of pregnancy tests just in case.

To him case is closed on it. How do I move past this?

I didn’t want any more children before him and he convinced me in so many ways. And now I’m here no knowing what to think.

You either accept his decision, or you decide that you want a baby more than him, and move on.

I think it’s positive that he’s shared his worries even if he had changed his mind, he must’ve been thinking about it a lot. Better now than him suppressing his concerns and then being regretful.

Ofcourse he can change his mind, the same as you could have.

For me my response would depend on the circumstances...

If he's a decent man who was acting in good faith but had a moment of realisation that he doesn't want another child, and immediately told you - then I would be sad and disappointed, but he's done nothing wrong, and things would hopefully return to how they were before. Better that he was honest than have a baby he didn't really want (and which might have broken your relationship).

If you think he was never serious about having a baby, and has led you on in some way, I couldn't look at him the same, or have respect for him, again.

It sounds like he wasn't misleading you, but genuinely thought he wanted a baby and then had a change of heart. In a way it's good that he was really thinking through what a baby would mean for you and your relationship and your existing DC. I can understand that you feel let down and disappointed, but I think he's done the right thing to be honest, if a little late in the day. Give yourself time to wallow in sadness for a bit, then try to move forwards. It sounds like you have a happy life, I hope you can feel that again in time.

I reckon he was amiable to having a child with you but perhaps voiced it to a family member, friend or colleague and it was met with negativity.

Perhaps they said it would rock the boat with the relationship he has with his child he already has.

In your situation I would think that's the main reason he would change his mind, the fear of upsetting his child and perhaps even his ex.

I think he is being sensible. I get you’re disappointed but he hasn’t done anything wrong.

It's clearly being playing on his mind if he woke you at 2am! Honestly it's better for him to be open and honest about his change in feelings then, rather than a few months down the line of trying.

I appreciate you were preparing early, but buying pregnancy tests and starting prenatal vitamins doesn't mean he can't change his mind on the plan, especially when it involves a baby.

I This was my thinking, I know it’s the best in the long run just hard to accept at the moment

He is a decent man, absolutely but obviously we had talked about it a lot and he has started to share baby names, talk about how we would tell family etc, just seems like such a U - turn from conversations we were literally having the day before

Thank you 💓

The effect on the other children was discussed and his child is younger than mine so he did feel that it would have had a bigger impact on them. But he honestly was so up for it even despite all the things we discussed.

I mean you admitted yourself you changed your mind from not wanting more to then wanting a baby, so you can't really be upset that he's changed his mind now. Of course for you its very disappointing, but it's so much better he's thought it through and told you now rather than wait till you're pregnant or the baby is here.

It's absolutely fine for him to change his mind, it's a massive decision that would affect you both and your existing DC in a huge way.

However, unless you've had a great experience with the coil, this would be the time for him to step up on the contraception front.

If he's certain he doesn't want any more DC, then a vasectomy seems the obvious way to go. Or condoms, plus pulling out.

You've had two years of messing around with your hormones to prevent getting pregnant, now you can pass the baton on for a bit.

I think what I am struggling with the most is how he can be so in for it, talking about baby names, how we would tell the kids, even showing me cool baby clothes he had seen online etc and then hours later massive U turn. I suppose I feel a-bit disorientated by that.
I should point out, I’m not baby mad. Very happy with the two we have and before I met him I absolutely didn’t want any more! But he reassured me of all my doubts as I suppose I did him when we spoke about it.

I think I’m also battling with the thought that now I want that even more than I did but only with him so leaving for a baby isn’t an option. I suppose I spent so long discussing it and easing my own issues with it and now the rug has been whipped.

I get that, I suppose it’s relevant just to show how much we had thought about it, planned it etc - we had three weeks from making the decision to the appointment with the coil

Thank you, I do agree he can change his mind as you say, like I did.

thank you for your response. I am lucky that the coil is brilliant for me. I have actually had it for 8 years (not the same one) but I may mention this to him too.

What you've described is quite a u-turn. I'd be wanting to understand what's brought it about - what was his thought process- in case something else is wrong or worrying him underneath

Unfashionable opinion but I think he's right. You can each concentrate on your existing children and your relationship can stay on track. Bringing a baby into the mix seems a massive stress. Enjoy life as it is.

All that talk is fantasy isn't it? Obviously when it came down to the reality of the situation then he couldn't handle it . Looking at clothes and names online Is lovely and safe. Removing the coil is a big step and made it too real for him

just give yourself time to adapt

He’s entitled to change his mind, but he’s obviously been thinking it over and you haven’t, so it’s going to be a jolt.

Hmmm. I might be jaded or cynical here, but that u-turn is pretty huge. Of course he is allowed to change his mind, but to go from being team baby in the way you describe (convincing you, discussing baby names, clothes, telling family etc) to nope, I’m over it seems strange and actually quite cruel. Two years is not very long in the grand scheme of things, you may not know him as well as you think. I would be watching him very carefully now for other instances of fake future building, signs of manipulation or controlling behaviour.