Husband of 16 years wants to return after 18 months

[LC71]

Hi - i am completely new to this and need of some good friendly advise.
My husband and i had been very very happy together for 14/15 years. Within the last two years together he had become very self centred and was easily distracted from family things to lads stuff. he lost his mum 18 months ago and was 43 and this affected him badly, a female name of the crowd he had been spending a lot of time with started getting mentioned a little too often - when i questioned this he said i was paranoid - but i knew something was not right - he sat up on the pc til all hours and started switching his mobile phone off etc etc. i became like an obsessive crazed woman wwatching his every move, questioning his every move, we made each others lives a misery. after christmas last year i said no more - we needed help from counselling - he refused and said i was driving him away. he finally left in feb (after i got sooo paraboid and packed all his belongings) within 3 months he had moved in with the name that had intialised my panic. he had been living there for 6 months when he said he wanted to come home and missed us soo much - he returned home for good, that was the evening before our childs 16th birthday he spent that evening and the next day very subdued - we made love - he then decided he missed her and was going to go back, he left the same day. this was 6 months ago, i have started to date another man, and now my husband has decided he is terribly unhappy and misses his family (myself and our 2 teenage children). i receive texts from him every day reminding me of what we had and what we have lost and constant reminiscing, this is really really hurting me - i am not in love with my new boyfriend and he is certainly not my future, but right now he is helping me heal from what has been a very very hurtful past 18 months, my new boyfriend behaves in a very childish way and thinks its funny to do child like things - eating sweets in bed until 3 am, while i am trying to sleep since 10.30 - making a big song and dance to farting and swearing!! he is moody and rude half of the time - and the other half he can be quite lovable.
My head is spinning please help.............

Poor you.

I would say ditch the new boyfriend as I can't see how he is helping.

As to your husband - do you want him back?

I dont know we have 16 years of great memories - but the last two years have been hell !!
i think i may be accepting the new boyfriends behaviour as its 'someone' as oppose to 'no-one' which i know is wrong but it kinda gets you through a bad situation - if that makes sense !! i went through a stage of got to fins someone !!

If he is so desperate to come back then he should do so on your terms which would be (if i were you) that he lives on his own (not with you or her) he needs to break all contact with her, he comes to counselling with you and maybe on his own as I think he could do with seeing someone to help him grieve the loss of his mother and that of his youth.

If after that you feel you want him back then go for it, it may help you deal with the trials of the past 2 years but if after that you feel things have come too far to go back to how you were in the beginning then you have no choice but for it to end and move on imo.

thank you love my girls
why did i not ever find this site sooner - i already feel like this site can help me - i have felt soo lost and confused !!

I say a leopard never changes it's spots

Welcome LC71

Do you still love him? Your dc's are nearly grown and will leave home eventually (or if you are unlucky like my mum they will still be there when theyre 30 in which case my next comment wont be much use ) can you imagine what your life will be like with just you and him?
Can you forgive him this blip in his life (if that's what it turns out to be?)
Could you really see yourself being happy with him again?

Because if the answers to these questions are No then you have your answer.

Agree with quint and say ditch the new bloke as he sounds like more hassle than hes worth!

I agree with LoveMyGirls: state your conditions and see whether he is prepared to work to regain your love and trust.

Counselling is an essential. Space is probably helpful, so getting him to live somewhere separately while you both try to work out waht you realy want is a good idea.

can i not make the new guy and i work out ?? is it not because the hubby is making me feel sorry for him im confused - yes i think we could have a future together but not sure how or if i oculd forget everything that has gone on - new boyfriend very very caring just very very childish !!

Can you be ure that he would not do this again when the going gets rough as it inevitably does?

LMG has a very good point in that your children are nearly grown and in a few years time you'll have freedom that you my not have had for years.
Do you want to be with him when you 75?
Could you not maybe insist he cannot rejoin the family home but that you could go out as a family together every now and again and see how things develop?

Ultimately can you trust him/do you want him back?

How do your children feel about all of this?

Fully agree with others, get rid of present one though.

how messed up and confused do i sound - pass me the cap that says BIG ISSUES !! (blush)

Also do you only want to make it work with current one because you feel the only choice is him or your ex?

Better to be alone than unhappy according to whitney and i agree

my children love him to pieces - deffo daddys girls - but they say - mum it cant work, you tried and always end up arguing - they like mr present !!

The not sure how or if you could forget - is the whole reason for counselling, with everything you have been though I don't see how you can get out of it and heal from it without some help from an oputside party with both of you willing to be honest and move forwards not necc. together.

you could be right lmg - do feel a little this one or that one - hate being on my own - the nights are soo long and weekends are vile

LC71 - now you have MN the hours will fly by without you noticing

Seriously how long have you ever spent on your own? Sometimes it's good to have some time to focus on you.

I don't know much about you or your life so far but I think all women deserve to treat themselves, you know spend time on how you look, join classes (art or photography, painting or pottery) make new friends, go out on the town, read books, start saving so you can go travelling when the dc's are a bit older. The whole world is there for you to make what you like of it why spend your time with a man? You can have fun and enjoy yourself without a man.

how did you feel 18 months ago when this first happened and he left ?

LC71 just thinkin bout your dilemma i dont want too hijack your thread but i went thru sumthing very simalar but we were never married when i am not so tired will get back but dont you just hate bein in this situation , i totally feel for you , but yes why do we need a man to fulfill us , do you still really love him what are your gut feelings

LC71, you could say you are prepared to try again, but on your terms. Those being, as somebody else mentioned, that he lives on his own and doesn't see that other woman again. Then say you are prepared to start dating him again, to see if it is workable (maybe with counselling too). If he thinks he's coming straight home to start laying down the law as though he's never left, he must surely be having a giraffe. I bet that is what he thinks ought to happen. But if he wants to come home, the ball is in your court. YOU decide what you want, how fast, and if at all. When my xh did this, I had to say 'no, f off'. But I knew I could never forgive what he'd done. Only you know if you can get over this. Keep on MN, we'd love to know how you get on.

thank you all for your kind comments and advice - i will definately stay on MN i wish i had found it sooner - jolly 4 - i would love to hear your story - it may help guide me in the right way - you know sometimes i get all independant and think tell them both to do one - and find you - but i have realised that when you are on your own the nights and weekends are endless - too many hours im not used to being on my own after sooo sooo many years !!

I say - don't take him back. How can you be sure he won't leave again. Even if the new woman has got fed up with him he may do the same again with another person.

You sound like you are over him in a love sense, your kids will be fine. Tell him that you want him to be a part of the children's lives but you do not want him back and he has to get used to that. Tell him the text messages must stop as you have moved on and he needs to learn to do the same.

Your new boyfriend issues can be sorted out in time. Do not be affraid to be alone. You have proved that you can be strong. Don't let him take all you have achieved away from you again.

Hi LC71

I am going through similar - your h's story is so fimiliar there is a classic script that these men follow.

You need to ask yourself if you really want to be with h in the future.

new man sounds like a good distraction and you could always keep him in your life - on dates.

If your h really wants you back then he really does need to prove it - and he needs to accept that it may be too late.

Why not try a few dates with h to see how it feels too.

I would also suggest making sure you do some things for you alone. there is never a gaurentee this wont happen again in any relationship but i do believe that if you are happy with youself it wont be so bad and i also think less likely to happen again.

I have spent the last 2 years working on myself and now know myself better - and my h actually thinks i am a better person too.

Good luck and do keep posting it is a fantastic site with some very wise people.

You have had very good advice about doing things for yourself, things that enrich you, that you enjoy. It could be just you or you and your daughters. You don't need a man to feel whole.

I like the dating idea. That way, your ex has to put forth some effort to be in your company. He may have different ideas of where his place is--back home, daughters nearby, wife beside him in bed, hot meals, laundry done, warm family feelings, just like old times. The Family Man.

are you still around lc71 ??xxx

The one thing you seem definite about in your op is that there is no future for you and your current boyfriend.

I would say, first and foremost, end things with him.

(I say this as my H left me 18 months ago, affair, all the same script, coming and going, doesn't know what he wants! I thought the only way to move on was to find a new man. I did. And it helped me immensely in a lot of ways through some very difficult times. But his 'little annoying habbits' soon became big annoying habits. And as much as I enjoyed his company, I knew there was no long term future in it.

I took the brave step to end it with him and be totally alone. It was hard. But the best thing I've ever done. It's given me the time and space to focus on myself and come to some conclusions about H and I, what I want, and the future.)

As for your H, I would definitely be saying to him that he doesn't just get to pick and choose if/when he comes back. This is no longer about what he wants. He wanted to leave. He had his choice. He chose her.

I would want to see him living alone with no contact with her for a start. Can he actually show committment to getting you back? Can he live alone and work on himself? Can he prove to you that he has changed enough to be trusted again?

He can't just have the 2 of you waiting and jump between both beds houses as and when it suits him! As much as you don't need a man to make your life complete, he shouldn't need to be with someone.
What he does need is a kick up the arse and some time alone to reflect on all of this!

Is his loyalty with her or you?
If you reject him will he stay with her?
If I were you I'd want to know that if he is genuinely that unhappy with her, he'll be leaving her anyway? No matter what you decide.
Otherwise what happens next time you two have a bad patch - he runs off back to her?!

If he's just trying to weigh up which is the better option I'd tell him to stay put with her!!

There may well be a future for you both. But he needs to understand and accept that it is a long road ahead.

And I think some time alone for you would help you to clarify all of this in your own head. The new boyfriend doesn't sound like he makes you happy. (Doesn't matter that the dc like him!) Your husband doesn't sound like he deserves you.

Your future could well be with neither of them. You never know what's just around the corner.