Interested to know stories of men who are in abusive relationships

[PinkTwinkletoes]

I'm asking out of interest as we generally only hear about the ladies on here who are in abusive and coercive relationships.
My ex husband left me for OW and I can hand on heart say that I have no interest in either of them... however, my adult kids see a very sad father who they feel is controlled by the OW (now wife). I'm sad on behalf of my kids but really it has nothing to do with me.
Just wondered if others had stories so I can let me kids know that it's does happen to other men and reasons why they find it hard to leave.

You're probably better off steering them towards the ManKind Initiative or something - there's advice there about how to support someone in the situation https://mankind.org.uk/help-for-victims/is-a-man-you-know-a-victim-spotting-the-signs/ and survivor stories. https://mankind.org.uk/survivors-stories/

There is a BBC documentary on this. I need to find the name.

At two different uni I had the (dis)pleasure of knowing 4 different guys whose girlfriends where abusive. Two of the girlfriends were physically abusive. The guys were over 6ft 4 while the girlfriends were tiny. The guys had random marks, bruises and even burns on them, while two were very controlling.

Only one of the guys with a controlling girlfriend managed to split up before graduation. He dumped her. The other with the controlling girlfriend married her and then he refused to talk to anyone from uni. The other two I have no idea.

I'd like to preface this by saying that my marriage is now in a very good place, and there is a healthy level of mutual respect, so I am by no means claiming to be abused now.

However -

I have been in a relationship with my wife since we were teenagers.
With the understanding of abusive behaviour I have now, looking back at the early part of our relationship, through to around 2 years after the birth of our youngest DC, I would definitely consider that there was a high degree of emotional abuse and coercive control.

My MIL is a classic martyr, and also extremely emotionally manipulative and domineering. As such, my DW grew up with this as her example of what being a wife and grown woman involved.

For me, this manifested in repeated attempts to isolate me from my friends and family, which were partially successful.

Constantly told me "If you really loved me, you wouldn't want to spend time with anyone else", accusations that I or my best friend were actually gay - why else would we need to speak to each other so much.

She used to make up examples of where my parents had "been awful to her", to show me that they didn't really care about either of us, and that her family was all we needed.

With little experience of relationships, I didn't know this was harmful so went along with it.

I just about maintained some personal hobbies, but these were constantly ridiculed and questioned, by DW and MIL. At one point, i was volunteering on a local committee, and my MIL accosted one of my colleagues in the local shop, and berated them for how much of my time they were taking up.

My parents were not really aware of how bad things were - we didn't talk much as a result of the isolation.

One of my best friends was the only person who ever raised questions with me about it.

My wife eventually had an affair which i discovered through messages on an old phone. This was the trigger for me to really question our relationship dynamics.

I'm not proud to say that I didn't deal with this in the most constructive way, and had an emotional affair of my own not long after.

My justification to myself was that I had spent 10 years 100% trying to meet another persons needs, with never any thought that this might be reciprocated, so I deserved to experience this myself. This was extremely selfish, and destructive.

This EA was eventually discovered too.

The fallout of both our affairs, forced us to confront what our relationship was becoming.

At the same time, my wife had begun to see for herself that some of MIL's behaviours were extremely harmful, and that she had been repeating many of them.

We had some very honest and open discussions about our marriage, and what we both wanted moving forwards.

I am very happy to say that we both committed fully to making our marriage a success - for our own sakes as much as for our DCs. And this commitment has continued since.

It has been hard, and we have both had to be extremely honest with each other, which has been very uncomfortable at times.

But we have arrived some 7 years later in a very healthy place. We love and appreciate each other, and both now understand how important it is to support and champion each other's lives and interests.

We want to set a good example to our DCs of what a healthy relationship looks like, and selfishly we both want to enjoy the benefits of such a relationship - so far we are managing to do so!

Neither of us will ever forget the other's betrayals or behaviours, but we don't use them against each other.

It's possible that once our DCs have gone, that things will change - but we will be able to discuss this openly with each other, and will be able to move forwards whatever we decide.

I have to give my DW enormous credit for her work on herself, and her willingness to unpick some extremely toxic traits and habits that she had inherited. I think without this, we would likely both be in a very unhappy place.

Wow - apologies that was so long.

This is the BBC documentary - Abused By My Girlfriend: www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p0700912

I should add while at uni I met people who were in a lot of screwed up relationships.

The worst was a woman whose mum was being physically abused by her dad. The woman was being physically abused by her boyfriend. Her sister had been physically abused by her boyfriend except the sister got the courage to leave the boyfriend so he killed her.

I've come out of one this year, it was bad but i didn't really understand abuse when I was younger or really fully until recently after I had distance. I knew it wasn't right but thought it was just moods and would get better but ended up getting trapped.

As one last punishment she took everything we own and our children. So, I'm out but not as I'm fighting to try regain contact and protect them.

@DiscontinuedModelHusband
Thank you for sharing
@Reugny
Op asked for examples of women abusing men.
.
Contrary to Mumsnet popular opinion women do abuse men.

Once saw an old couple driving down the road.
The man was driving , while the woman was whacking him on the head, with her hand bag

Another chap at the age of 60 ended up in therapy after his second wife died - yes she was the OW.
He was so full of rage.
Through therapy he was able to unpick the abuse his second wife had put him through.
Not sure if this will help op's children.
While having the affair it was full of passion and longing (tears, wailing, wanting to be with him)
As soon as he left his wife, it all stopped- forever.....and then abuse began.

I knew someone who had his wife break his arm during an altercation. He also changed his surname to hers which is the first time I'd heard of that happening.

They had a baby daughter and he said he didn't report it for her but left instantly.

There are safe houses for men, it does happen. Miles more infrequently than towards women.

There's a poster on here @jibbajab who I recall is a guy who was in an abusive marriage, he's a great poster.

@TheAverageJoanne Thank you, that's me I NC a while back.

My poor FIL gets emotionally abused by my MIL. They’re both in their 80s now and won’t change but it’s horrible to see. She orders him around and talks to him like he’s rubbish. He has never stood up to her and her behaviour has got much worse over the years.
My husband has tried speaking to her about it and so have her other children but she doesn’t really take it on board. She has lost the respect of her family over it though. My husband says it’s hard to admit but he doesn’t love her anymore or like her either. She had an abusive mother herself which explains certain behaviours but it’s not acceptable.

I should have elaborated about my exes situation and why our kids are concerned. The new wife is incredibly jealous from what I understand. She tries to control him and who he sees. When he is meant to be spending quality time with our grown up kids, she will do something or say something that means he has to turn around and go back to her, leaving our kids in a cafe or the cinema etc.
Something odd happened a few weeks ago. Ex was stuck somewhere having just seen our adult kids and couldn't get a taxi home. He rang our son to ask for a lift but the kids had just started to eat their dinner. Whilst he was on the phone to my son (on speaker) I said, 'look, you eat your dinner and I'll go and drive your dad home'. All I could hear was my ex screaming 'NO!NO! NO!' down the phone and he hung up! There was total panic and fear in his voice.
It's crazy as we've been divorced for 7 years and I just want for everyone to be happy. Whatever I now feel for my ex husband, I don't want to think he is being abused.

Suggest the kids signpost him to ManKind or the Men's Advice Line.

@PinkTwinkletoes Mine was like this too, any time I went anywhere, any time she went anywhere but especially seeing family who she eventually ostracized. Basically, in the end it was less stressful not going anywhere or seeing anyone because any time I did something would happen. If she went out I had to be ready for a call or an emergency, something always happened that meant I had to drop everything and if I couldn't rectify the issue, I would pay for it.

No personal experience but I remember a Radio 4 programme on this topic. Guy was physically and emotionally abused by his wife. The fact she was so.much smaller than him meant the police gave him even less credence than they might have otherwise. It was only when his neighbour saw him on the lounge floor bleeding and got him help was he able to get out. It sounded horrendous, not least because when he did try to ask for help he wasn't believed.

Yes @PinkTwinkletoes, I am in an emotionally abusive relationship and have posted and started threads quite frequently recently. It is very complex and there is too much to rehash it all again and I am unsure how to link to my threads, but an 'advanced search' under the above user name should tell you all that you might need, or want, to know.

I am autistic, INFJ personality type (if you believe in the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator), and an Empath, a combination which, apparently, make me prone to being drawn to, or targeted by, those who display narcissistic traits or abusive behaviours.

I still seem to be unable to leave this toxic relationship, which I recognise is doing me great harm, partly, I think, because I am ever hopeful that I can influence or change my tormentor's behaviour patterns, even though I know, deep in my heart, that I cannot. However, with help from an advisor from 'Mankind', research, watching videos fronted by physchologists specialising in narcissism and attending 'Al Anon' meetings I am learning to say "no" more frequently, establish firmer boundaries and rebuild my self confidence and self esteem. I am now waiting and prepared for the 'discard' phase to commence, if the pattern of narcissistic behaviour follows an established and recognised pattern!

I have been on MN for years, under a different user name, but I am hugely grateful for all the support, advice, kindness and non judgementalism I have received recently and consider this to be a 'safe space' for me to offload, vent and let it all out.

Hannegret Donnelly sticks in my mind as a hideously abusive woman. I saw a TV programme about it once.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/news.sky.com/story/amp/hannegret-donnelly-abusive-wife-who-hit-husband-with-rolling-pin-jailed-for-murder-11672655

My mum bullied and emotionally abused my dad and me.

@DracunculusVulgaris Sounds familiar, I too have been told I am an empath, likely that type, if you believe in it and likely autistic.

I was the same throughout, nothing I tried worked, no amount of understanding, kindness or empathy. I forgave and moved past a lot but it seemingly fueled it more. I did in the end reach that discard phase after years of emotional, psychological and physical abuse.

Now I'm being scapegoated, ain't done yet.

It does happen , but as with female victims of abuse, men feel ashamed of speaking up too.

I've just left an abusive marriage. My ex husbands best friend is in an abusive relationship with a woman.

He is well and truly stuck with her and they've just got engaged however I know 100% this is down to pressure from her. She's been married 3 times before. The control she has over him is unreal.

But just before they got together, he had a child with another woman. This woman is also 100% abusive. He's taken her to court for access for the child and he is very close to getting full custody. The courts can now see what the child's mother is really like and feel they would be better off with her father.

What the courts don't know is that he is also being abused by his partner (who comes across as lovely but i wouldn't like her being a step mum to my kids!)

I feel for him. He's such a lovely guy and his life has been well and truly flipped upside down. I don't know what contact I'll have with him now that I've left my ex but I think a lot of him.

My narcissist ex also owes him £6k after he leant my ex some money and obviously ex has promised to pay him back and 1.5 years later I think he's paid a total of £600 back. They are still friends. It drives me mad that he won't put the pressure on him to pay it back!

Having seen first hand how difficult it is for men to get help I can see why they stay. From the police, to courts, to the support available it is all geared towards women. They all talk the talk but the police’s words and actions spoke loudly to show they are are not geared up to deal with abuse of men.

So far, a good thoughtful and sympathetic thread. I fear for how long that will last on mumsnet as threads about male dv victims tend to get hijacked by those who don’t believe they exist.

I feel for all the blokes sharing their stories. It can be really hard to open up and admit what’s happening as it’s incredibly common to be disbelieved and judged.

Heard of one guy whose partner blew up everytime she saw him holding an online meeting with a female during the pandemic. He started avoiding meetings and got fired not long after. Some of his female ex colleagues sent him welfare texts afterwards, she found them and he ended up sleeping in his car. He is out of that relationship. Another "lady" used to throw plates at her husband whilst telling the kids that she and daddy were just playing "catch". Only daddy was really bad at it.

My DBro was in an abusive marriage. He is a shell of his former self and is now a heavy drinker, but he did finally get out. He stayed as long as he did partly for the kids but also partly because she was so financially controlling he didn’t even have his own bank account. She was verbally abusive, controlling and, finally, physically abusive.

My (now ex) BIL had an abusive girlfriend before leaving and getting together with DSis. She would start an argument then trash his place and scratch herself in the neck, arms, face or wherever and tell people he had hurt her! God knows why he stayed so long,

Domestic violence is often kept very secret if it's physical - I've only know three cases in my life and I'm fairly old.

To the point of this thread though two of the sufferers were men. One was hit over the head with a saucepan and the partner called the police claiming she'd been assaulted. Second was a more continual pattern involving throwing full tins, throwing a knife and having him arrested on a spurious charge.

Worst though was a friend of a friend who broke his girlfriend's jaw . Should have gone to prison for that

It's very common for the OW to be very jealous and possessive of a man who's left his wife for her. I know someone like this - she was the third wife, and the second OW, of my FIL. She insists all his phone calls with his adult children are on speaker phone, if he goes out without her he phones her every half hour, and the couple of times his ex-wives have tried to meet with him for a friendly discussion about their adult children, Wife 3 insists on being there too. I mean they are in their 70s now, it's unlikely he's looking for Marriage no. 4 and the ex wives have both long since remarried ....
But it makes sense in a way, if he's cheated on someone with her, what's to stop him doing it again.
Sounds like your ex is dealing with a wife who's worried he might do to her what he did to you! I'm not saying it's okay for her to be that controlling, but it makes a kind of sense.