Not sure where to start with this so bear with me!
Been with OH for 16 years, 10 married, no children. Would probably have tried for children by now if things were right but they haven't been. I think perhaps they've never been right but it's only over the last 6 years or so that I've started to realise, but then I've been pulling away and that's made things worse.
He's never made an effort with our relationship, to make me feel good about myself, to communicate, to listen to what I need, he's never instigated sex and this has always been an issue for me. Sexual experimentation has always been rebuffed, we would go without sex for as long as it took for me to initiate it again, and the sex itself was often awkward, quick and vanilla. I stopped initiating sex 3.5 years ago and we've not had sex since. Before we were married, I felt as if he was with me just because I was there, rather than for any tangible reason and would often ask why he loved me, to which the answer was always evaded, I still don't know. I basically ended up proposing to myself. He's always been unsociable, rude to people, and is at times selfish and emotionally/verbally abusive. I often find myself walking on eggshells, e.g. if he's going to the shop and I ask him to pick me something up while he's there, I know the answer will be "no, don't take the p*ss, I'm not spending all day in there", totally unreasonable.
That being said, we do have the ability to get on very well, and we've enjoyed some really lovely times together. I understand some of why he is the way he is, because of childhood trauma. He had a really special relationship with my mum and the reason I married him was because he felt very safe and stable, although I recognise now that's probably because he wasn't being honest about how he felt about anything so it felt calm but it was just being hidden.
I've tried to leave twice and have been thwarted twice, once by a serious accident and then my mum passed away a few months ago. Sounds stupid but it can feel like the universe is stopping me from leaving. Now, after I left the house for a couple of weeks, he's saying that our relationship is fine, he will work on it (but not saying specifically how) and that he doesn't want a divorce (I have said this is what I want). I think I know deep down that nothing will change but it feels easier in many ways to stay, certainly financially. And maybe that's what he's thinking too. But it's making it so much harder to push for this when he's resisting. I suspect there's an element of playing the guilt card and making false promises so he doesn't have to deal with upheaval himself.
If I had the money, I would leave now, but I can't afford to pay for this house and another house on my own. I'm concerned though that staying here is messing with my head and stopping me from getting on with my life. And then I keep going back to a place of 'well, maybe if I tried harder I could make it work? What if I'm miserable on my own?'
I'm having some therapy and recognise that my reluctance is in part due to a lack of feeling safe in childhood and not wanting to feel unsafe on my own, but I'm posting this here so someone can hopefully reassure/advise practically on how to go forward, I'm driving myself quite literally mad!!