Advice regarding relationship with my mum

[7917Kj]

I am finding the relationship with my mother increasing difficult as I get older and am starting to question whether it’s better for all involved to just walk away.

There was behaviour that took place when myself and my siblings were younger which still effects me to this day- multiple affairs leaving my dad in bits and none of us knowing whether we were coming or going, verbally abusive and still is to this day towards my dad, disappearing for days on end so we all thought she was dead, racking up debt (in my dads name) then leaving us as home all day on our own (kids) I was about 9 to dodge bailiffs. I’ve got massive anxiety due to these incidents and she acknowledges none of it but I’ve let it go and tried to get on as normal.

She helps (instructs my dad) to assist with picking up my son from school as I am at work 8-6:30 and has him every other Saturday night so I can have a night off (again my dad is actually looking after him but still). This is greatly appreciated by me and helps a lot with a stressful job and work life balance. However as soon as I say or do anything she doesn’t agree with or she feels I haven’t consulted her or run something by her she ignores me for weeks, refuses to see or speak to me and withdraws all help. The latest is because my son told her on Sunday his dad took us to Costco in the car. She interpreted this as us getting back together or something and her not being told and has blocked me and said she’s no longer helping with childcare as she doesn’t approve of what I am doing…I’m doing nothing of the sort but whatever! I also don’t like her quizzing my son

it feels conditional and I feel controlled should I just take the hit and cut ties which will make my already stressful life a lot more stressful or suck it up. I’m tired of chasing her around begging her to speak to me when I have done nothing wrong.

Yeah, obviously help that gets withdrawn the instant there's dissension is no good to you and a very unhealthy dynamic. I think you need to find other ways to manage that don't make you vulnerable to her whims/control.

I would attempt to keep in contact with your dad separately and encourage him to consider talking to the ManKind Initiative.

I don't see your mum being a great influence to have in your child's life, so it's as much for their sake as your own, to reduce or stop contact.

She sounds like a narcissist and is abusive. Not sure if you have a TikTok Account but there is a lovely lady I follow called iamzoelouisee or her instagram is iamzoelouise, who talks in detail about her abusive mother and the boundaries she now has in place with her after extensive therapy.

My mum was a narcissist, alcoholic, serial shagger, compulsive liar and she also ran up debts as far back as I can remember, as a child I was made to feel responsible. My dad was also alcoholic and stood weakly by as her enabler.
I spent my life carrying the shame of my parents, with all the anxiety and insecurity that brings with it.

My experience was my mum with age just got more selfish, demanding and attention seeking. It was exhausting.
I wish I had had mumsnet 40 years ago to understand the damage these mothers inflict on their daughters. All the methods of control, enmeshing, subservience, it is abuse.

Unfortunately it is all or nothing with them, you do as you are told or suffer the consequences. I had to walk away from my mum as I needed some peace in my life. Your life may be more stressful to begin with but nothing compared to the stress she causes, it is worth it to gain control of your life and emotions.
Look for the 'well we took you to stately homes' thread in the search bar. It has been my therapy for the last 18 months. I would worry about the effect it has on your child, my mums behaviour had a lifelong effect on me.

I'm sorry for what you're going through OP, it must be so tough and stressful to be in that situation. Have you considered getting a childminder for a few hours everyday so that you don't have to stress yourself. I know it's not something everyone can afford, but at least for the pick ups and drop offs. Also, why don't you seek your Dad's support and don't let your mom take any responsibility. She seems like bad influence and doesn't really look after your son anyway, why would you even take her help when she's of no use.

You need to keep toxic relations at a distance, you'll only end up more hurt and dismayed. Get the right support, even if it means paying someone to do it and you'll feel a lot more relaxed, mentally as well as physically.

I hope things fall in place for you.

Your dad might suffer from not being able to see you, can you see him separately? It is your dad that picks up from school not your mum anyway?

She remains abusive so it’s game over relationship wise, it is not possible anyway to have a relationship with someone this disordered of thinking. What do you know about her childhood, that often gives clues.

As she is in addition too toxic or otherwise difficult for YOU to deal with, it’s the same deal for your child too. Neither parent here are suitable for childcare because they are not emotionally healthy people so you need to find an alternative.

Consider therapy for yourself re your dysfunctional relationship with your mother. Do read Children of the self absorbed by Nina w Brown.

I would walk away from both she and your dad because he really cannot be relied upon either. Women like your mother cannot do relationships and always need a willing enabler to help them, that person here is your dad. In a straight fight he would choose his wife over you.

You do not need her approval, not that she’d ever give you this anyway.

Thanks for your responses. It’s my dad that is actually providing all the help but he does exactly what my mum says so if she’s says stop he will stop, going directly to my dad isn’t an option unfortunately. I know what I need to do for the sake of my son if nothing else. I spend so much time questioning my thoughts and actions because I’m not sure if I am wrong or she is my tendency is to people please and keep the peace but it’s really taking a toll on me recently.

Walk away from the childcare and keep up a minimum relationship with your dad.

Childcare from grandparents can be very tricky and only works in certain circumstances - when given wholeheartedly and received with gratitude.

Your tendency to people please absolutely comes from wanting to parent please.

You have been trained by your mother in particular and or otherwise conditioned to put your own self dead last, that has to change. I would urge you to walk away from them both and grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

Unfortunately they raise us as people pleasers, they want children who are useful, subservient to facilitate their selfishness and who will serve them in later life. You question yourself because you havent had a healthy family relationship with boundaries. They keep you in a state of anxiety, walking on eggshells to control you, making you feel dependent on them. The shocker is SHE is dependent on you and will do anything to keep control. Your father is not your friend he is supporting your mums behaviour. I was considered a daddys girl but in my 60's I can now see how manipulative my dad was, dont upset your mum, will cry to get his/her own way.
I bet she doesnt have any friends, mums like this never do, only superficial people who are useful.
It hurts but you can chose if you accept it, you dont have to.

It’s definitely received with gratitude

No she hasn’t got any friends and she will be really upset if i withdraw the need for help as she will have nothing to threaten me with and no way of having any insight into what I am doing. I don’t want to cause and upset but I don’t think I have much choice anymore. My dad would help me but he’s so controlled it’s beyond a joke

There’s good reason your mother has no friends and that is not either your fault or doing. People like your mother really do not have any insight nor empathy for any other people. You did not make your mother this way.