Dating an old friend after toxic relationship

[Spinningroundincircles]

Hi, sorry had no idea what to put as the title!

In June I ended things with my DP of 8 years. There were issue pretty much throughout and I think we dragged it on for far too long; the past 2 years we were pretty much just housemates with no sex life, affection and I started to resent him - at the very end I felt like I couldn’t communicate with him, was never listened to, issues never got worked on and we bickered almost constantly.

Last year I got back in touch with an old friend. We first met 22 years ago and our friendship has been mostly online based, even though we lived in the same town; we met up a few times but I was always involved with a guy when he was single and vice versa. Eventually he met and married a girl and I met my ex DP and we kind of drifted apart - I ended up blocking him when my then-DP took issue with our friendship.

Anyway - last year I unblocked him as I missed him, sent an apology message and we have been Co starting ever since. It transpired that he was in the middle of a divorce from his wife and at that time I’d temporarily split from my DP. He’s now completely separated from his wife, divorce proceedings have been started and he’s moved out of their home to my town (as all his friends are here).

Since the split with my ex we’ve met up a few times and slept together once (a drunken thing that wasn’t planned). He says he likes me and wants to date and see where we go, I feel the same but keep having moments of anxiety where my mind tells me I just can’t do this. I have blocked and unblocked him a few times recently because of this, which is childish but my only way of coping when I get these feelings. He’s being lovely about everything and we get on so well, but a few days before meeting up with him I get so anxious and feel like cancelling, if I think about it I feel like I can’t imagine introducing a man to my children (I have three teenagers, my ex wasn’t their dad) and just the thought of starting again, eventually having to live with someone again… just all seems so overwhelming.

I don’t know whether I’m just not ready to date yet, my gut is telling me something about my friend or whether it’s just my anxiety (I have generalised anxiety disorder) causing me to self sabotage.

Any advice or insight much appreciated :)

Deep breath OP! You sound super anxious and I really think this is partly your anxiety disorder here.

It can be scary to get into a new relationship and it’s easy to build up blocks /walls when you’ve been hurt in the past. I think some therapy might help on that front to understand your route anxieties. You mention about your kids being teens and I wonder if there is a protective element as well here not wanting to disrupt their lives etc.

This is someone you’ve clearly connected with over a long time. Have you liked him in that way in the past? I think it could be that timings are finally aligning. You’ve already slept together so the boundary has already been crossed, you also don’t have a huge friendship to lose given he was blocked all that time etc. I think you need to go into it slowly and at a pace which suits you. Don’t worry about introducing kids etc, if that happens it will be down the line when it feels right and natural.

It’s exciting that you’ve connected with someone who you missed. That being said if you don’t feel ready you can tell him that, he’s got out a divorce too and you both might need a bit of time to be single.

xx

Hi, thank you - I am super anxious about life in general tbh!

My children are 13-16 and yes, there’s a huge amount of guilt and apprehension about my last relationship ending after 8 years (he wasn’t their dad, but was still in their lives for so long) and also they having to get to know someone new in the future. Just can’t picture how that could happen and them be okay with it.

I miss him a lot, he did me but his ex wife didn’t want him speaking to girls and my ex felt the same so we both kind of prioritised our then partners over the friendship, he says he’s always liked me and regrets not pursuing and I have always liked him too.

We’ve been each others closest confidantes up until the blocking incident and are back to that again, he makes me feel so safe and comfortable and not sure I’ve felt that before with anyone else.

Just… it’s all so overwhelming to think about it progressing into a proper relationship!

Just take it slow.

Don't worry about introducing him to the children - that can wait until you have a solid relationship and are sure it's going to last. You can keep your dating life separate as long as you want. Obviously you may wish to tell your teens that you are dating, but there's no reason in the world to hurry into having them meet anyone.

Also, you don't need to worry about living with him any time soon. (Personally I would recommend that you don't even consider it for a good couple of years - maybe even have it as a long term plan for when the kids are launched - the teen years are tough enough without dealing with mum's boyfriend moving in).

There are different ways of having relationships than the relentless escalation of commitment from date to living together - eg. living apart relationships can be very successful and rewarding.

Try not to let the anxiety make you think you need to make these huge decisions any time soon - you don't - you've barely started dating the guy, you can take as long as you want.

You don't sound in a particularly good place to be dating, so if you are going to continue with it, be clear with him that it needs to be slow-paced and relatively casual in terms of commitment.

And do stop blocking/unblocking him, it's a pretty toxic behaviour to be on the receiving end of, whatever is driving it for you. Try to sit with your feelings and maybe put your phone in a drawer or something until you can regain your equilibrium. Are you seeing anyone regarding your anxiety? Seems like you need some strategies to manage it.

You don’t like him enough in that way. It’s kind of convenient, you’ve known each other a long time, but he’s your friend, it feels weird, you don’t want to lose your friendship, and if you felt truly romantic and sexual towards him, you’d be getting butterflies before your dates, not anxiety.

It’s not that it feels weird - when I’m with him I’ve never felt more comfortable.

Actually what it feels like is guilt around my ex - I did spend a period of time wanting him to want to try again, as I didn’t want to finish with him but was just so sick of him never taking responsibility for his part in arguments, never engaging with my two boys (he preferred my daughter as she’s easier to get along with according to him) and all those other things. I wanted to matter enough for him to want to make us work, but all he’s said to me since we split is “I don’t know if I want to try again”.

He still visits a few times a week (he popped round yesterday whilst I was out visiting the friend I’ve been talking about in this thread, actually) and messages almost all day sending me random TikToks and telling me about his meals for that day etc, so it’s almost like we’re still together without actually sleeping together or being affectionate or being committed. Anyway, that’s messing me up too because what if I move on and in 6 months or whatever time, my ex wants to try again and I have to tell him no? I don’t know how I’d be able to do that without upsetting him.

You’re not in the right headspace to date. Block your ex, tell him to stop dropping by and sending you messages, be single and work on your anxiety.

Why on earth would you want to get back with your ex? I think you should stop contact with him and allow yourself space to move on.

Don't date the other guy either.

Honestly you don't sound like you should be in any kind of relationship at the moment.

Concentrate on your mental health and being happy in yourself, on your children and on your work.

Don't waste so much energy on dubious relationships with crap men.

You’re not over your ex. I broke up with mine 7 months ago now and it’s still fresh and we’ve had no contact. So with the contact you’re having you haven’t given yourself the chance to just be alone. You seem to be jumping to an option that you trust, rather than this new guy being who you truly want. Take some time for yourself x

Thanks all. I don't really feel like I'm completely over my ex, although over the past few days when he hasn't contacted me much and I've made decisions to keep a distance from him, I feel sure that if he asked to come back I'd decline because we just don't work in a relationship; and to go back would be insane.

I do have to say though, that when I was still with my ex I felt this exact way - bouncing a few times a week from "our relationship is fine" to "he's not treating me how I want him to" and I have problems making decisions and trusting my own instincts anyway, always have. So not sure my issue is about this guy as such, maybe just a symptom of whatever mental health condition I might have (fairly sure it's not 'just' anxiety that I have).