Am I a bad person?

[EmmaLou12]

Ok, so I was in an abusive relationship with my ex partner - he was nasty and hurt me in a lot of ways.

He's basically going through some health problems and going through tests etc - he's using this as way to play on my feelings and get me to feel sorry for him. The problem is no matter how hard I try I just have no sympathy for him.

I have so much anger and hurt from the way he treated me that I just can't bring myself to be nice to him. Am I a horrible person? What's wrong with me?

No, you're just human
Is there a reason you're still in contact , do you have kids ?

No, you're not a bad person and there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Why should you feel any sympathy for him? He felt none for you when he was abusing you. You say he's using this health scare (that may or may not be true) to garner sympathy and play on your feelings - the feelings you do have are protecting you.

You would be better to have no contact with him if you don't have to. He can't carry on with his attempts to fuck with your head if he doesn't have an audience.

@BarbaraCadabra @solice84 We're in contact due to selling our house - I've been trying to organise photos and the listing but he's making it very difficult. He's not pulling his weight with the house cleaning yet criticizes what I've done.

He had 2 days off yesterday and did nothing to contribute - then when I ask him he tells me F off and that he's been ill etc.

He cancelled the last lot of photos because my cleaning wasn't up to his standard

Of course you’re not a bad person. Why would you feel any sympathy for someone who abused you? The fact that you don’t is actually a good thing because it means his plan to control you isn’t working.

@EmmaLou12 his sole aim in his petty little life is to inconvenience, hurt, anger, worry you, to make you doubt yourself, twist yourself into a million knots trying to please him.

Are you still both living in the house? Do you have a solicitor who could get things moving a bit?

@BarbaraCadabra Yes we're still in the same house - I can't afford to move out and still pay the mortgage.

I've spoken to a few solicitors and they've all said to expect costs of £25K plus to force a sale which I can't afford.

Bloody hell, @EmmaLou12 , that's outrageous. Have you been in touch with Women's Aid? They should be able to offer you more practical support.

I feel for you, breaking up's hard enough without the added narcissistic arseholery

@BarbaraCadabra Yes I spoke to womens aid and they said I wasn't eligible for any kind of legal support. I'm honestly at my wits end

You are not a bad person. It is totally normal to feel how you feel towards someone who has treated you badly.

Sounds like the cancelling of photos and recent health scare are his way of trying to hold onto the last little shred of control that he can, don't play into it.

Perhaps consider finding yourself somewhere temporary to live, maybe with a relative, or a friend, staying in a house with him isn't going to change, he will likely come up with more reasons to halt you selling the house.

Sending hugs!

Sounds like he's continuing to manipulate, control and abuse you- it's not a case of was in an abusive relationship, but that you still effectively are.

Why on earth would you feel sympathy for him? Nothing's changed. If he died a horrible death tomorrow, he'd have still been an abusive shit of a man to you.

You're not a bad person in any shape or form, you're a human, being treated horribly.

Did the lawyers you consulted say whether you could claim the £25k cost of legal proceedings from your ex ie you could seek a costs order against him and whether those costs could be taken from his share of the proceeds of the sale so you would definately get the money? If so, it would be worth your while to commence proceedings. I'd expect him to settle without the need for a hearing if he knew he was going to have to pay the costs.

You are not a bad person. You don't owe him anything, not even your sympathy. It's great that you don't feel anything, and don't allow yourself to feel guilty.

I think there's two different things going in here. The practical stuff with selling the house and the bit where's he's mithering you about his health, your standards of cleaning etc. Concentrate all your efforts on getting the practical outcome you want. The other stuff does not need a reaction from you. He's an arse, you know he's an arse and will stay one. Try to let that stuff drift over you.

No kids right? Hopefully you will not have to see him again in a while. Of course Yanabp

God no, you're not a bad person. It's extremely hard to continue to feel empathy for someone who has none for you and who actively tries to make your life difficult.

The fact you're even concerned about this shows you're a good person.

Thanks everyone - he's gone back up the hospital this morning and they said they're going to refer him for a test to check for cancer.
I'm now feeling even more guilty and worried and thinking of delaying the house sale as I don't want to cause him anymore stress.
What everyone else do in this situation?

Who are you getting his medical information from?

The answer is going to be him, right?

Whose interests are served by slowing down you leaving and selling up?

The answer is him, right?

Look, it's possible he's genuinely looking at a diagnosis of cancer or whatever, but it doesn't change the abusive nature of the relationship nor mean you owe him anything. It's also possible he's a lying sack of shit, manipulating you.

Push on with the house sale.

Honestly, I'd even consider leaving and risking the financial loss if you can manage on your income. Have you looked into whether the solicitors would be able to take their cut from the proceeds of the house sale when it goes through? Life is too short to let him continue to drag you down.

What @category12 said. Those of us who have experienced similar behaviours from abusers can see without the emotions that are possibly clouding your judgement that this man might be lying and manipulating you into doing what he wants, again. Even if it's true that he has health issues, he will use them to manipulate you into putting yourself last.

Stick to your guns @EmmaLou12 , concentrate on what YOU need to do, let the man who actively destroyed your relationship deal with what he's going through his own way, you owe him nothing.

Thank you everyone , I'm just trying to deal with my conflicting feelings.
I'd never wish bad on him

That's cos you're a good person.

The way he's treated (and continues to treat) you, he deserves a comeuppance and I wouldn't blame you if you did wish for it, though. But certainly bitterness or wishing him ill wouldn't be healthy in the long run.

At the same time, you do not have to be a saint or a martyr.

There's a huge middle ground between hating the guy & wishing him dead or whatever - and bending over backwards for him so he can keep access to you to further his abuse and control of your life.

There's a lot of FOG (Fear Obligation and Guilt) built into toxic relationships, and you need to be able to recognise and let go of it. He's not your responsibility and you don't owe him more of your life.

Of course you aren't a bad person.

Your response is entirely understandable and reasonable I think.