Another one of the husband has had an affair bench

[HappyasLarrynot]

Another one for the bench. After a tricky year I thought we were working on things but turns out only one of us was. He’s messaged another woman before and I found that hard to get over and now he’s messaging another one and most likely has met up with her. He won’t be honest and tell me what’s happened but apparently given that we’re unhappy I’d best get my head around the fact our marriage is over. Young adult kids involved (not his) and a couple of pets. I just feel devastated even though I know it’s probably for the best and I won’t have to keep wondering who he is messaging now. Why on Earth he couldn’t just sit me down and tell me it was all over weeks ago I’ll never know. I’ve had to take the day off work as I can’t stop crying.

Oh and I messaged the OW’s husband - was in 2 minds about that but I’d want to know if I was him.

I’m so sorry you are going through this.

So sorry.

The biggest question I have reading peoples stories on here and people I know in real life is why do they not just end it. People talk a lot about them wanting to have their cake and eat it. Stay in the marriage and have the affair on the side but it usually seems to go the same way in the end. They either cheat again and get caught and thrown out or beg to stay together and ‘work on things’ then up and leave anyway a year or 2 later (usually because they have the new ‘secret’ person waiting in the wings)

It’s honestly better not to try and figure out why they’ve done things the way they have or why they did/didn’t do this or that. It will drive you mad and you’ll never know the answers. Ultimately it’s because they’re selfish and they do whatever suits them best at any given time without caring what’s right for anyone else involved.

Wishing you the best, it will be hard at first but you’ve got a great future to look forward to where you won’t have to consider his cheating, lying arse any longer!

Thank you @Chattysusan and @Specso

When we got married (2nd time for both of us) this was supposed to be ‘it.’ Ive not exactly been the perfect wife but my idea of marriage is that you work at it when it gets hard, you don’t just run off to someone else. Obviously my idea of marriage is different to his!

Sorry that you find yourself in this position.

Has OW's husband responded to you? He might thank you for it, but just be aware that people often shoot the messenger.

Do they plan to walk off in the sunset together?

You say your DH has been messaging someone else. Surely the seriousness of this depends on the content of the messages. I have platonic friends of the opposite sex.

At one end of the spectrum there's a friend of the opposite sex who you chat to a bit, who you might be interested in if the circumstances were right, but are simply friends and all the chatting it "above board".

Then there's the other end of the spectrum where it's a full-on physical and emotional affair.

Do you know where it sits on that spectrum, as that's surely critical in how you respond.

@Inthegrotto no not yet and I suspect that my H will have let the OW know I know so she can try and intercept anything. Tbh I don’t even know the bloke and fully expect him to either ignore or say I’m talking rubbish but that’s up to him.

@harerunner he has lied massively about the ‘friendship.’ Oh and is working in her city this week so has booked a hotel right near to where she lives and works (this makes no sense if you know the city). He’s done it once before and it’s exactly the same with hiding things, changing her name in his phone, deleting all messages etc. He has platonic female friends and I have no issue with them and there are no lies about them but this is someone new who he said worked with him (she doesn’t) and whom he has gone to great lengths to protect when I’ve asked about her. It’s hard to explain but lines have definitely been crossed.

@harerunner

I don't think men are capable of having just platonic friends. I've lived a long time and after years of disbelief in men's behaviour in general that's my honest conclusion.

Completely agree with this. Women are far more likely to think it's platonic than the men. However I do think some women like the attention of a male friend that maybe they don't get from a female one.
Why hasn't your husband been honest? Because he's hoping he can get away with it and hasn't got the balls to start the divorce process himself. The majority of divorces are initiated by women. Men hang on in there, unhappy, looking for a port in a storm that they can jump to when pushed. Heaven forbid they should split up and have to cope by themselves for a while. Cynical but definitely what I've seen over the years.

@StopRainingOrElse

Totally agree. Men rarely initiate divorce because they basically want their cake and eat it and they don't see why they can't have it. They're reluctant to leave the wife that washes their underpants so they beg forgiveness and deliver "the script" but their only genuine regret is getting caught.

I have platonic friends of the opposite sex, at least four of whom I would consider extremely close friends. I am not interested in them either romantically or sexually. I KNOW that they are not interested in me in that way either (some of the reasons why include; huge age gap, religious views, incredibly happy relationships with SO and simply not interested in me). Male friends bring different qualities to a friendship, I would be as lost without them as without my female friends.
Genuinely curious whether you would be wary of a homosexual female friend ?

@StopRainingOrElse yes I think I agree. My previous H did the same - pushed me and pushed me and pushed me (mentally) until I snapped and asked him to leave - then he could tell everyone I’d thrown him out (and he did!).
And the same this time - why be honest and take the majority of the blame when you don’t have to? We have had our issues in the last year but I haven’t run off to message or meet other men, I’ve genuinely tried to make it work. Been banging my head against a brick wall it would seem …

@Flyingfoxgirl im not bothered who he is friends with, it’s the lying and hiding this particular relationship that has had red flags all over it. Theres none of this with his usual friends and work colleagues. Just the previous one and this one - lies, hiding their numbers, deleting all messages, effectively gaslighting me when I ask anything. The previous one had something specific delivered to him at his hotel. She alluded to it all over her social media posts (I didn’t react to them) and yet he still said it might not have been her - it was obvious it was her he just would rather me think I was going mad than admit what he had been doing.

(And yes, hindsight is a wonderful thing).

@HappyasLarrynot Oh no I totally agree with you. My post was more aimed at a PP who said that platonic friends of the opposite sex can't exist. I firmly believe they can and do. However, I also know that some "just friends" are much more. I am well placed to know as I was "just friends" as the OW in a 3 year affair. I suspect that your H has both too. Platonic with some and not so platonic with others.