"Making love"

[stayingontop]

No idea if this is in the right thread so apologies if not.
H and I have been together for over ten years.
We have 4 children.
My MH has never been great and I am on antidepressants and have been for over 12 years.
He has and is very supportive when I have low periods.
Back in the summer I had a really low period, so my doctor put me on another medication alongside my current meds.
This has made me not wanting to have sex AT ALL.
Libido has gone completely out of the window. It wasn't great before, but now it's completely disappeared.
My issue is that my H can't seem to understand that I'm not in the mood.
Yes I have said that I'm not in the mood, and I think it's my new tablets. Which for the record have made me feel more normal and I can cope with every day life.
Twice he has asked me to either lower the dose or stop taking them, which I've basically said no to.
So is this it? Do I give up on my marriage because I can't and don't want to have sex?! Do I expect him to stay with me and have a long conversation? I know he is going to struggle with no sex long term.
I just don't know what to do.
Please help 😔

There’s a lot to unpack here. You are raising four kids presumably all under the age of about 10. (For a lot of people that alone would be a reason for a reduced libido - four kids is a huge amount of effort!)

It sounds like you’ve needed your AD meds throughout this period - but still been able to conceive 4 kids. Perhaps your dh doesn’t understand why “now” is so different if you’ve had a low libido for a while but managed to get in the mood “enough” to meet his own needs.

it sounds like he has opened a conversation calmly and considerately to try to take into account his own needs.

I would

• return to the GP and talk about the impact of the meds and if an adjustment is possible, form a plan to get off the new medication and then give your dh that timetable and hope things improve
• think about whether there is another way you can meet his needs for intimacy and sexual satisfaction. Would either of you want to open up the marriage; could you find other forms of intimacy that allow both of you to feel a compromise has been reached?

It is a hard situation for both of you and your four kids; if you have MH problems then splitting up with your DH seems aa recipe to make everyone’s life worse so I’d be moving heaven and earth to try and solve this before he leaves you or has an affair or sinks into a deep resentment/depression himself and removes his support from you.

There are lots of different AD meds. If you would like your libido back go and see the GP and ask to try something else.

Is there anything about your life at the moment which is contributing to the depression?

Yes I'd be happy to have an open marriage, as long as it's not in our house and he stays "safe"

The thing is I don't want to change my meds at the moment, bar the intimacy part of our marriage, I am coping and getting on with life.

That makes me a bad person right?

Nothing in particular that has set this episode off. This is my third bad blip in 12 years.

There are different solutions to your problem. Open the marriage is one of them and do not make you a bad person at all.

You both need to have a conversation to explore which solutions can be bring to the table.

On the side you can explore therapy and diagnosis with your GP etc to help you.

MH treatment that long are not particularly the best, unless there is a solid diagnostic behind them, as they can disguise the struggles instead of solve them.

Don't feel bad, whatever you both decided. Life comes with ups and downs. And what works for you don't necessarily what to work for others.

Honestly my first thought was that if you don’t want to have sex but don’t want to lose your marriage, do blow jobs and exchange massages 😬

Totally fair to refuse to stop taking the pils but you can’t expect him to stay in a marriage with no sexual contact either. So if you don’t fancy penitrative sex, what are you up for?

Sex aside - you seem to be totally depended on your meds. Have you tried therapy? Other solutions to your depression?
I know it must be scary to try other things in case you get low again - but in the long term you it'll help you. You can't live all your life on AD.

As to sex - as others have mentioned - you open up your marriage or you go through the motions for now. But - neither of the options are great or risk free.
I do think you need to get your meds sorted out better and think about reducing.
You two decided to have 4 kids. You need to make a bit of an effort to try to make their family work.

Is your depression hormonal or is has it a cause that you are aware of?

Gonna be honest, if I had 4 kids under 10 I think I'd be depressed too. Because it must be exhausting and I can imagine feeling like you have to give all of yourself and cannot keep anything back. I think it would take a lot out of anyone and to avoid depression you'd really have to have an excellent partner and general support system that really allow you to take time for yourself. Whether it's just a few hours out with the girls every week or an hour each day to go do your own thing and decompress.

Or perhaps there is past abuse or trauma that you haven't worked through.

Because I know how vital medication can be but if you've been on it 12 years without any talk of addressing underlying issues that may be causing it then that to me means your doctor isn't the best.

I mean yes some people get depression purely hormonally and it's life long. Or maybe they are bipolar etc...

But I'd look to establish if that was what was going on or not first. Because if its not purely hormonal then you've been taking depression meds for 12 years that you maybe didn't need to be taking. At least at some points.

And now your body is reacting to them in a way that is potentially going to end your marriage.

Yes I'd be happy to have an open marriage, as long as it's not in our house and he stays "safe"

Is it possible you only feel this way because of the depression and meds? If you come off the meds and feel better do you think you might resent him for it if he went for it?

Is this some type of anti depressant and does it make you feel any better?

Maybe your H can take it too and lower his libido.

I don’t know how many you’ve tried, but would it be worth trying a different AD? Low libido is a negative side effect of many of them but it’s not necessarily going to be all of them. My DP is on fluoxetine and when his dose is upped or he’s had a few days without it (he’s not massively good at taking them consistently) his libido will dip, but bounce back when he stabilises. There might be one out there that helps you to be more enthusiastic about sex once you get to equilibrium. Sex also might help a bit with your general mental state, oxytocin etc are really powerful hormones and just the general closeness and security of it might give you a boost.

This is in no way a dog, what you're going through is hard. But when I wen my through this, for me the lack of libido meant the tablets weren't working at all because it meant I lost the intimate connection with my partner, which is one of the most important relationships in your life. If your relationship breaks down, then you'd be even more unwell. In your position I would go back and tell them you need to explore other avenues as it's affecting your relationship with your partner which is in turn, affecting your health.