Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to push through the panicky feeling when ending the relationship?

17 replies

redskyatnight2023 · 14/11/2023 16:35

I have ended my relationship with my partner after years of emotional and at times physical abuse, as well as gaslighting. This aside, he is very negative and never wants to do anything, has no motivation in life and is really dragging me down.
At the weekend he was particularly nasty to me because I snapped at him to tidy up after himself. My grandad had just died and I was feeling really emotional and tired, he told me I was the most fucking ridiculous person he had ever met and that my grandad dying was not a good enough reason to be snappy with him. He really struggles to take any form of perceived criticism and trying to address any issues I have will end in a row because he will just DARVO me, shout until I start crying then storm out and not speak to me. This could be anything such as asking him to remember to turn the hob off after cooking, which he always leaves on. I am not allowed to show any sort of frustration or annoyance at him, even if he has done something that annoys or inconveniences me. I get really anxious when I know I have to bring something up to the point I get heart palpitations because I know there is a strong possibility he will just block me in saying how I feel and be unkind to me.
Normally, I try to smooth things over, I apologise and wait for him to do the same.. he never does, he never feels he has anything to apologise for. Everything he doles out to me will be explained as a direct consequence of my behaviour towards him. I have tried to leave many, many times over the years but once the initial anger and hurt at his behaviour has worn off, I find myself wanting to make things ok again, I feel sad that we are breaking up, sad about selling our lovely home and also start questioning maybe I was in the wrong and he is right that I cause all the problems. I'm currently feeling like this and trying really hard to push through it and maintain us separating. We have to sell our house before we can separate properly although I desperately want to leave now because I'm scared I'll slip back into staying with him. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and any tips for managing the fear and feelings of panic at actually ending it?

OP posts:
NotNowGertrude · 14/11/2023 17:58

I think the panicky feelings are the effects of the trauma bond through the abuse you've been through

I had the same for nearly 5 years, tried to leave but never made it more than a few days when this god awful feeling took over my body & the only thing that helped was speaking to him. In the end he ended it & I was not going to chase after him so I went cold Turkey thinking it takes 28 days to break a habit then I'll feel ok. That was the worst bit but life is so much better now. My nervous system has calmed down, I feel happier, my skin looks better, my hair stopped falling out & ok not anaemic anymore

If you can push through it a better life is waiting for you

Original poster
redskyatnight2023 · 14/11/2023 18:37

Thank you @NotNowGertrude , I agree it's the trauma bond. Historically the worse the thing he's done is, the stronger the feeling. I just keep thinking what if I'm wrong and I am actually a nightmare.

OP posts:
Minnie1980 · 15/11/2023 15:06

I probably can't help much but I felt compelled to reply because, reading this, I felt like you were describing my exact relationship and situation! I've been going back and forth for years, between being unhappy with the situation but then wondering if I'm actually the one in the wrong and I should work harder to change, and have tried to leave several times.

I don't think that you're wrong or a nightmare from what you've described, but I understand feeling this way. I think we both know logically that this isn't true, but gaslighting will make you feel like that. If he was a supportive partner, he'd talk constructively with you about it, if you were actually a nightmare?

I hope you have good friends (and perhaps a good therapist) who can help you through it. They will help with the panic.

I was given the good advice earlier today that staying will only result in the same situation, and do you still want to be living like this for the next however many years? I think we might need to accept that the initial panic will feel horrendous, but that after that, we will feel better and be able to have a much better life. Familiarity isn't the same as safety.

Showtime79 · 15/11/2023 16:04

If a Doctor said to you that an operation would leave you feeling in a lot of pain for a month or so but will ultimately make your life immeasurably better in the long run, would you decline the operation or take the pain and get better?

Rjahdhdvd · 15/11/2023 16:06

Keep this and read it through each time and remind yourself that you deserve better. I also found telling people what my ex was really like helped as then I had the reality of it out there

Original poster
redskyatnight2023 · 15/11/2023 22:05

Minnie1980 · 15/11/2023 15:06

I probably can't help much but I felt compelled to reply because, reading this, I felt like you were describing my exact relationship and situation! I've been going back and forth for years, between being unhappy with the situation but then wondering if I'm actually the one in the wrong and I should work harder to change, and have tried to leave several times.

I don't think that you're wrong or a nightmare from what you've described, but I understand feeling this way. I think we both know logically that this isn't true, but gaslighting will make you feel like that. If he was a supportive partner, he'd talk constructively with you about it, if you were actually a nightmare?

I hope you have good friends (and perhaps a good therapist) who can help you through it. They will help with the panic.

I was given the good advice earlier today that staying will only result in the same situation, and do you still want to be living like this for the next however many years? I think we might need to accept that the initial panic will feel horrendous, but that after that, we will feel better and be able to have a much better life. Familiarity isn't the same as safety.

I'm so sorry to hear you are in a similar position. It is really tough when you feel like you can't trust yourself to make the right decision and I think that's testament to how men like this wear your self esteem and confidence down.
I've gone back before because of the panic but within a day or so I'm feeling on edge and want to leave again. The length of time I feel ok in the relationship after deciding to 'try again' has got shorter over the years until I feel like I'm just doing it for the sake of it and out of habit, I know nothing will ever change.
I hope you (we) find the strength to do what's right for us Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
redskyatnight2023 · 15/11/2023 22:07

Showtime79 · 15/11/2023 16:04

If a Doctor said to you that an operation would leave you feeling in a lot of pain for a month or so but will ultimately make your life immeasurably better in the long run, would you decline the operation or take the pain and get better?

thank you, that's a good way of looking at it. I'm really bad at short term pain, I have attachment issues from childhood trauma and find it almost impossible to let go of people even if they treat me like dirt unfortunately. I am currently getting help with addressing this though.

OP posts:
Original poster
redskyatnight2023 · 15/11/2023 22:09

Rjahdhdvd · 15/11/2023 16:06

Keep this and read it through each time and remind yourself that you deserve better. I also found telling people what my ex was really like helped as then I had the reality of it out there

Yes I find this too. Really compelled to tell everyone what he's like, because if I tell people then I hope it will help stop me going back. I also feel really angry and want people to know what he's like rather than always trying to cover it up and pretend it's all fine. I still feel a bit like I'm twisting the truth though and actually I should be telling them how awful I am too.

OP posts:
sugarloop · 15/11/2023 22:21

Just a few ideas:

Look into the freedom programme - I've just finished it and it's amazing.
If it's possible, have therapy.
100% start writing a journal. Use the front to write day to day how you feel. How you're doing, what happened etc. Also about the things you can now do that you couldn't before. Use the back to write a list of everything he ever did to hurt you. Doesn't matter how small. Write it down.
If you're on social media, save any positive quote type things (you know the ones) to your phone and make an album especially for them. Set one as your Lock Screen on your phone.
Walk daily if you can. No matter the weather. It helps.
Talk to those closest to you who you know will be supportive.

Whataretalkingabout · 16/11/2023 13:15

Great advice @sugarloop !!

Watchkeys · 16/11/2023 13:32

also start questioning maybe I was in the wrong and he is right that I cause all the problems

But even if that was true, you still have the same path: Break up, and then have some counselling when you're ready.

You're looking for 'who is to blame', but what you have is an incompatible relationship. It doesn't matter whose fault it is, it matters that the relationship makes you (and, by the sounds of it, him) feel shit. Somebody has to take the responsibility for ending it.

It helped me to stop looking at blame (which looks backwards) and start looking at responsibility (which looks forwards) You are responsible for your own happiness and contentment, so, only do things that favour those goals. Spending time with someone who makes you feel shitty isn't on that list, so, stop doing that. It really is that simple. You don't have to refer to who is 'right' or 'wrong', just to what you like or don't like. Sounds like he doesn't like what you do, and isn't mature enough to realise he can step away. But you're an adult, and you realise that 2 people who rub each other up the wrong way can separate. Right?

Original poster
redskyatnight2023 · 16/11/2023 15:13

Whataretalkingabout · 16/11/2023 13:15

Great advice @sugarloop !!

Yes thank you @sugarloop , will definitely do some of those things

OP posts:
ReadtheReviews · 16/11/2023 15:16

Humans naturally.dont like change. Here's what to do. Write out the numbers 1 to 80. Cross off the numbers up to the age you were when you met him. Highlight the years you've been with him. Then look at the numbers you have left. Do you just want to continue that highlighted line to the end? Or start afresh?

TriggerwarningEmotionalabuse · 19/02/2024 07:48

redskyatnight2023 · 14/11/2023 16:35

I have ended my relationship with my partner after years of emotional and at times physical abuse, as well as gaslighting. This aside, he is very negative and never wants to do anything, has no motivation in life and is really dragging me down.
At the weekend he was particularly nasty to me because I snapped at him to tidy up after himself. My grandad had just died and I was feeling really emotional and tired, he told me I was the most fucking ridiculous person he had ever met and that my grandad dying was not a good enough reason to be snappy with him. He really struggles to take any form of perceived criticism and trying to address any issues I have will end in a row because he will just DARVO me, shout until I start crying then storm out and not speak to me. This could be anything such as asking him to remember to turn the hob off after cooking, which he always leaves on. I am not allowed to show any sort of frustration or annoyance at him, even if he has done something that annoys or inconveniences me. I get really anxious when I know I have to bring something up to the point I get heart palpitations because I know there is a strong possibility he will just block me in saying how I feel and be unkind to me.
Normally, I try to smooth things over, I apologise and wait for him to do the same.. he never does, he never feels he has anything to apologise for. Everything he doles out to me will be explained as a direct consequence of my behaviour towards him. I have tried to leave many, many times over the years but once the initial anger and hurt at his behaviour has worn off, I find myself wanting to make things ok again, I feel sad that we are breaking up, sad about selling our lovely home and also start questioning maybe I was in the wrong and he is right that I cause all the problems. I'm currently feeling like this and trying really hard to push through it and maintain us separating. We have to sell our house before we can separate properly although I desperately want to leave now because I'm scared I'll slip back into staying with him. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and any tips for managing the fear and feelings of panic at actually ending it?

OP Did you leave ? Im
in a similar position xx

Original poster
redskyatnight2023 · 19/02/2024 08:42

Hey @TriggerwarningEmotionalabuse not yet but I have got to a point where I am ready to put the house on the market and am feeling much more detached from him. I think time is quite helpful as well as reminding yourself what the relationship is like on its worse days.

OP posts:
UtopiaCookbook · 19/02/2024 08:47

Ultimately, OP, it’s irrelevant whether you’re a ‘nightmare’ and he’s the nicest man in the world (neither of which are true from your account) — this relationship is not working for you, hence you rightly want to end it. Hold to that.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread