Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Ex Messaged to Congratulate on Engagement...

19 replies

FloralAxilot288 · 14/11/2023 15:37

My ex partner reached out to me to congratulate me on my engagement, which happened 2 months ago.

We split up 4+ years ago, zero contact since, we do not follow each other on social media, and he doesn't have my new phone number.

About a month ago I get an out-of-the-blue message from him on FB messenger saying he saw a 'thingy' that I had gotten engaged, and wishing me the best for the future.

Our relationship was awful, I paid for everything as he didn't work, and when he did he couldn't hold a job now because of his weed habit. I uprooted my whole life for him and moved to another country, and he was very cynical about everything, not supportive and took me for granted. I finally left him and have been with my wonderful, loving and supportive future Husband for 3 years.

I'm annoyed that he has messaged me, I don't get what he thinks it will achieve? I didn't reply, and I never will. I made the decision not to tell my Fiance about the message as I didn't see the point in pissing us both off, and now I feel like I'm harboring this horrible secret. I know it won't be a big deal to most people, but it really knocked my head as I just wish he had stayed in my past! He was obviously stalking my social media and found out, because everything I share is private.

Am I doing the right thing by not telling my partner he has messaged me? I find it all incredibly selfish, and cheeky!

Any advice will be appreciated. Thank you.

OP posts:

C1N1C · 14/11/2023 15:43

Can't it just be a genuine congratulations? Appreciate it and ignore it.

Epidote · 14/11/2023 15:43

Ignore him and the message. Block him.
No need to say anything to anyone, don't make the text or him important it is negligible and a nuisance.

SweetBirdsong · 14/11/2023 15:45

Block block block. He's trying to get into your head, and it looks like it's working! Awful, passive-aggressive, manipulative thing to do. Fuck him. Block him on everything!

Kangaroo1 · 14/11/2023 15:45

He may not be actively stalking your social media- do you have mutual Facebook friends? If you have not locked down your profile, and lots of mutual friends commented or liked the post, it may have popped up on his feed

Sounds like a relationship you are well to be away from though. No reason not to tell your fiance. Probably best out in the open then you can all forget it

SweetBirdsong · 14/11/2023 15:46

Oh btw, I do feel you should tell your fiance. Don't start your life together with secrets. He will find out. Your ex will make sure of that!

anotheropinion · 14/11/2023 15:48

Sounds like you want to make a big deal out of this.

He's sent a single message which says congratulations.

Forget about it; move on.

Sconehenge · 14/11/2023 15:51

This all seems unnecessarily dramatic….I follow a few of my exes online and vice versa and one got engaged last week and I said “congratulations” And they said “thank you!” - wouldn’t even think to inform my DP and would be shocked if they were spiralling because of this. Just say “thanks heaps hope you’re well too” and leave it at that.

wildwestpioneer · 14/11/2023 15:56

I'd tell my soon to be dh, secrets have a way of coming to light when you least expect it. Just a simply, 'knobhead text me on fb to congratulate me on my engagement, I've not responded and blocked him' that way if it does come to light, it's a none issue

BoohooWoohoo · 14/11/2023 15:59

I would block the ex and tell your fiancé so there's no secrets. If it happened the other way round then I would find it suspicious if my partner didn't mention it. By suspicious I mean wondering if it's a bigger deal that my partner said. Secrets are not good imo.

TenderDandelions · 14/11/2023 16:23

It very much depends on your current relationship. If my ex contacted me to congratulate me on my engagement, I'd probably say "WTF?! My ex just messaged to congratulate us. What a twat." then laugh about it with my OH, delete it without replying then move on and never think of it again.

If your DP found out later he'd be likely more upset about you keeping it from him, than just telling him now. Just check your settings and stop him from being able to contact you in future.

Dacadactyl · 14/11/2023 16:26

You could well be reading too much into it. Perhaps he knows he was a shit back then and obviously still thinks fondly of you.

I had an ex congratulate me on something similar too and we had a reasonably acrimonious break up.

I just said thanks and that was it.

DH knows he'd messaged cos I told him. There was no drama.

I'd just say thanks and leave it. If he messages again afterwards, I'd block him. But a congrats message is fine imo.

shropshire11 · 14/11/2023 16:27

Take a deep breath. This may be a sincere message by a reformed character who wishes you the best, and probably regrets being a dick to you. Have the grace to allow him to have sent you the message, and move on with your life if you don't want to respond. Feel good about being in a better place.

purplecorkheart · 14/11/2023 16:31

Honestly, I think you are making a bigger drama out of it than needs be. Block ex you can tell your partner that you had a message from your ex wishing you both well. No major deal.

Shivermetimbersmearty · 14/11/2023 16:31

Not sure what the big deal is. Either ignore or say thanks. The same way you would if anyone from your past got in touch.

Likewise on telling your fiancé- can’t imagine how this would make the slightest difference to him.

WolfFoxHare · 14/11/2023 16:48

Tell your fiancé, have a laugh together at your ex’s audacity, delete the message, forget all about it and move on with your life. Just don’t give him any more headspace!

Night409 · 14/11/2023 16:52

I would just reply saying thanks and let your DP know.

He could be doing it to be an arse or he could be saying congratulations like many other people would.

applepieandtea · 14/11/2023 17:42

You split over 4 year ago no contact but still follow each other online.
If it was me he would be the last person id think of following but the first person id block on SM.
They're called an ex for a resin.

CottonC · 14/11/2023 18:11

anotheropinion · 14/11/2023 15:48

Sounds like you want to make a big deal out of this.

He's sent a single message which says congratulations.

Forget about it; move on.

This. @FloralAxilot288 It reads like you want to believe he's reaching out because you want to think he sees you as "the one who got away" and regrets what he did. You need to move on mentally from him. At the end of the day, you let him treat you badly and weren't forced to stay with him.

Forgive your ex (he clearly still has a hold on you for you to be overthinking all this) and move on with your life.

perfectcolourfound · 16/11/2023 12:21

Could it be that you aren't quite as over him as you thought / as you'd like to be?

Because this seems to have disproportionaly bothered you.

It could be a genuine 'congratulations' in which case you can ignore and move on.

It could be that he's trying to get in your head (although I think if he wanted to do that he'd have tried at some point in the last 4 years), in which case - ignore and move on.

By the way, I'd recommend NOT starting married life with secrets.

Flip