Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My marriage is dead

21 replies

entertherealm · 14/11/2023 14:49

I've been with DH for 20 years and we have 3 DC. We've been mainly happy until the last few years when we've lost our way.

I've told him many times that I'm unhappy and lonely. I explain why and tell him small things he could do that would improve the situation (like putting his phone down more often and talking to me, for example) but nothing ever changes.

He tells me he loves me but I don't feel it anymore. His response to my suggestions is to say that I make him feel inadequate and that nothing he does is enough. He becomes angry with me. He's actually angry or irritated a lot of the time. I can't ask him to empty the bins or change a light bulb or remind him about it a few days later without being accused of getting on to him and it often descends into an argument.

He calls me every day on his break from work but the conversation literally lasts about 20/30 seconds. It feels like he's doing it because he thinks it's expected, rather than calling to genuinely check in on us. If it's his day off and I want to go to the shop I'll ask him to come with me for the company. He complains and says I'm too needy and he's too tired.

Our DC are very well behaved apart from the usual sibling squabbles but he moans at them constantly and will make them upset when they had been in a perfectly good mood. I draw the line at this and call him out on it. He gets defensive, then a while later he gets upset and says I'm right and he'll change. He never does. We go round in circles and I'm exhausted with it all.

I think I have to accept that if he isn't willing to listen or work on our issues then it's over, isn't it? Reading that back it seems like he doesn't actually like me much. I don't know how it came to this. On top of it all, my mum is terminally ill so I don't feel strong enough to make any decisions or uproot the DCs lives any more.

OP posts:
Channellingsophistication · 14/11/2023 18:11

Perhaps some counselling will help? You said you had been happy in the past, so has anything changed in the last few years? Would he be willing to have counselling.

WhatFreshHell1 · 14/11/2023 19:34

How old are the children?

NoodlePuppet · 15/11/2023 09:55

I don't have any response, or advice but I didn't want you to feel alone and wanted to share I feel just like this and have no idea what to do either.

Sending support

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/11/2023 10:31

He's just paying lip service to the problems isn't he?. Words are cheap and his actions here are not at all loving ones.

What has changed in the last few years; how did this feeling of having lost our way come about?.

If he refuses to have counselling I would go on my own, you need to be able to talk in both a calm and safe environment. I would also consider seeking legal advice; you do not have to act on it immediately but knowledge here is power. Consider too the effects his behaviour is having on your DC as well as you: he is certainly sending them mixed messages.

user1471886287 · 15/11/2023 11:10

Me too. It’s hell. My husband is so cold. I’m at a loss on what to do

RumbleMum · 15/11/2023 11:20

Another vote for the counselling if you can access it - ideally couples' counselling, but if he won't go then I'd recommend going on your own to get your head in order.

Sounds really tough, OP. Fingers crossed for you.

entertherealm · 17/11/2023 03:00

So it turns out he's been having an affair. Not what I expected but explains a lot.

OP posts:
cassiatwenty · 17/11/2023 03:04

entertherealm · 17/11/2023 03:00

So it turns out he's been having an affair. Not what I expected but explains a lot.

Shock
cassiatwenty · 17/11/2023 03:06

I'm so sorry about your mum
Sending hugs. I just read the whole thing but I haven't expected him actually having an affair. How did you find out? What's been going on? You don't have to reply if it's too much.

starlightcan · 17/11/2023 03:06

entertherealm · 17/11/2023 03:00

So it turns out he's been having an affair. Not what I expected but explains a lot.

Sorry to hear this OP and sorry to hear about your mum. Sounds like you’re juggling a lot.

How are you doing? X

LBFseBrom · 17/11/2023 03:08

I am sorry, entertherealm. It does explain a lot but must have been an awful shock to you. Do take care of yourself.

SherbertLemons · 17/11/2023 03:09

I'm so sorry OP. How did you find out? Sending hugs and support

Geppili · 17/11/2023 03:22

That must have been an awful shock.

Smineusername · 17/11/2023 03:47

I'm so sorry he's done that to you xx

Hibiscrubbed · 17/11/2023 05:03

Oh Jesus, @entertherealm. What an awful, awful cunt he is.

How did you find out?

Guavafish1 · 17/11/2023 05:22

I'm sorry for you

Didsomeonesaydogs · 17/11/2023 09:22

What a cliche!

Honestly, you need emotional support with your mum, meanwhile, he’s getting his dick wet elsewhere.

What a shallow cunt he is! I hope you find your anger and chuck him out on his ear.

user1471886287 · 17/11/2023 09:23

Oh Im so sorry OP - what a dick

RumbleMum · 19/11/2023 17:06

I’m so so sorry, @entertherealm. Do be very gentle with yourself and look after yourself and the kids, however this pans out. If you’re in a position to access counselling I can tell you from experience it will help.

Dumbndumber · 29/12/2023 01:40

@entertherealm I hope you're doing OK.

user1471886287 · 30/12/2023 08:51

Mine has too. An emotional affair with my neighbour and close friend. I feel your pain OP

New posts on this thread. Refresh page