Family - am I being unreasonable?

[Anon316]

Hey,

Looking for a bit of advice and to know whether I am being generally unreasonable.
My parents are both retired (mum hasn’t worked since my brother and I were very young and he is nearly 30, I’m mid 30s, Dad was able to pay mortgage off early and retire at 58). Since Dad has retired their days mainly consist of going for lunch and drinking at the pub. My husband and I both work full time and don’t have any children atm but want to try in the next year. My parents make no effort to see us (they never come to our house which is 5 mins down the road) and we only see them if we meet them at the pub on weekends at a time that suits them. My grandmother is visiting this week but Dad didn’t tell me until it was too late for me to book the day off work to spend the day with her. He says he is going to bring her over tomorrow whilst I’m working from home but I’ve explained this can’t be for long as I am working and have scheduled meetings! I’ve been made to feel bad about this. Grandmother lives 3 hours away and in the last 3 years he hasn’t gone to see her once where as DH and I have visited a number of times and dropped presents off from them for Xmas, birthday etc. Dad has no excuse as he doesn’t work and plenty of time to visit.

DH and I are excited to start a family but I worry we will never see my parents. They have never helped us emotionally, physically with things like the odd bit of DIY or financially (although that doesn’t matter to us we have always worked hard to support ourselves and not expect anything from family) and I just feel they are dismissive parents and only getting worse. They would never help with childcare but we don’t expect that, we just want a future child to have a relationship with grandparents.
We have started to be a little stricter and distant ourselves a bit but it’s just generally sad. They also never visit my brother who lives 3 hours away. It just feels like they never wanted the responsibility of kids and distanced themselves completely when we turned 18.
Has anyone else had a similar experience with their parents and how did you navigate this?

Committed to their drinking.

You make peace with that is who they are and what they like to do. Don’t expect a personality change when you have children it won’t happen.

The only thing I would do is open dialogue about care as they age , if they don’t help you or bother with you, you shouldn’t be expected to look after them too in their old age

No advice, just empathy. And it's good that you are thinking about this now vs. when children arrive and you feel shocked/hurt at their indifference. I am wondering about the drinking too. What is that about - every day?

Prepare for the deluge of people telling you that you just want free childcare, OP, but I get it. Kids are meant to be raised in a village. Also, bring an adult doesn't mean that you suddenly don't want love and support from your family.

My parents were never hands on parents. Once I left home (at nineteen) I would see them every couple of months. (I lived 30 min away) They rarely visited me usually just Christmas dinner, i always visited them. I got on fine with them they were just very different to my friends parents. They would lend me money if I asked though.

It didn't really change when we had kids either. They never came to birthday parties or anything like that. When the kids got older (like 6 plus my mum would occasionally take them shopping or to a farm. (Usually in summer hols)

It only changed when my mum got ill as they needed me for transport and to manage consultations etc. we got into a routine of seeing each other at least weekly even if they wasn't an appointment that week.

Now it's just my dad, I visit weekly plus ring once a week as he doesn't have anyone else. (Covid impacted on how people socialise so the pub stoped being the place to go)

My advise would be accept the relationship for what it is and don't compare it to others or how you would like it to be.

Your future child is unlikely to have much of a relationship with your parents either sadly. If your DHs parents are nice, and importantly emotionally healthy, then concentrate on them. You cannot make your parents care and their priorities lie elsewhere ie drinking. My parents behave similarly to yours but their priorities are my brother and their holidays.

Why is your dad bringing your nan at all to your home while you are working?. This after all is a person he has not seen for a number of years. Do not give into such emotional manipulation ie he making you feel bad for she visiting. Their attitude also is likely why your brother moved 3 hours away.

You need to grieve for the relationship you should have had with your parents rather than the one you actually got.

It's hard, my kids have such a tiny family as we have similar situation with their gp's.
I have been affected by envy of big happy families in the past.
They won't change and your only advantage is that you can anticipate it and be mentally prepared.
I had strong feelings of jealousy for a long time, for other mums whose kids had interested gp's.
The only way I stopped that affecting me was to make myself view my whole life and recognise I was blessed in other areas and see my life as a package that was ok.
I still get sad if I think about it though because, as a pp said, it takes a village and all that, and it would be so nice.

Planning a family should not be dependent on other people. They may step up if they have GC or they may not but either way they should not be a factor in your decision making.

Oh come on. It's perfectly normal to want your parents involved if you have children.

Op isn't basing her decision on having kids on this. She's just sad to know that her kids are unlikely to have much of a relationship with their maternal gp's. Which is a natural and understandable feeling in this situation.

@Anon316 my parents were not emotionally healthy people and like you I really wanted them to have relationship with my children. I kind of created a situation where they were very involved grandparents but then they managed to do great harm to my children. They were not involved parents and I made the mistake of thinking they would be better grandparents.

You need to accept people as they are not as you want them to be. It is very sad because we shouldn’t have to accept it but part of being an adult is realising your parents are people with flaws too. Most people don’t change or ever work on their flaws.

My parents are not naturals at grandparenting. My mum isn't natural at parenting lol. If I was to describe how my mums made me feel as an adult it would be uncomfortable. She has stayed home since we were born. I'm also in my 30s. Dad retired last year. When I was pregnant 8 years ago I would have loved my mum to be excited, shopping and coming to appointments. But she at best spoke about superstition and not buying stuff too soon and not being one of those People who talked about her baby and nothing else. I have 2 kids now. I didnt get that motherly support after either kids were born. They never got stuck in to babysitting or coming round. The rare time they came over they sat with coats on awkward moaning about the weeds in the garden.

My kids are now 5 and 8. I simply don't bother. They have a dig every now and then I never take them round. But when I do take them up they constantly moan about my youngest and a few years ago they moaned about my eldest. Neither of my kids have got it right for them. They like to think they are good grandparents. But they aren't.

You can't force people to change. If the relationship isn't there..you have to get on with it. It's sad. But we don't all have that help.

Some grandparents are just like this. Accepting it is hard but far better than constantly being disappointed that they just don't seem interested.

Your parents raised you and it sounds like they did a good job. Not everyone enjoys child rearing and now maybe they don't want to be involved. That is their right.

My dm wanted pictures for the mantelpiece but had no interest in meeting her grandchildren at all.

You can't change who they are. You can't force them to have a relationship they don't want. It's not worth worrying about if you can't change it.

You have an idealised version of what the grandparents role could be in your mind.

What your parents offer is not that.

They are who they are.

I understand how aggrieved you must be op.
Lots of people having caring, helpful involved parents. It really is the luck of the draw and it is unfair.
Unfair that some people have help available, unfair that some people have wealth given to them, unfair that some people have stable, loving families.
I don’t know what the answer is. Maybe some kind of mindfulness to concentrate on the positives in your life.

Could you go and see your grandmother this evening for an hour or so? It would save the awkwardness of trying to get them to go after 10 mins tomorrow when you are working. She could have told you she was visiting herself tbh. The first comment sums things up succinctly about your parents but it’s their loss if they don’t have a relationship with your DC in future. We don’t see DM much now, if we do it’s always us visiting , but DC are now older and often doing their own things. I would have been upset if she had been so distant when they were small though so YANBU.